hidAyaNa's day Out

Its not the end yet.

2012-02-13T00:45:00.001+08:00

Our love story will always live in my heart even when this heart stops beating. Many will not understand but ure the only one i have ever loved truly. Ure the only one that ive patched up with several times. Ure the only one thats in my heart. Weird huh? Ive liked several guys before but he's the only one i wanna be with even when ive become an old lady. I just hope God wont be cruel enough to take him away again.

Sighs! To love is to let go. If he returns,then he's destined to be mine. If not,he was never mine in the first place. Haish! I dunno lahhs.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

3 more days

2012-02-09T20:07:00.001+08:00

Finally this darn job is coming to an end. Gosh! This is the second worst job that ive ever had..like ever! Gosh! Just whatever,wanted to type more stuff but my aunt will be reading so tak payah sua..dont wanna have unnecessary conflict. If gaduh amongst strangers can easily walk away tapi if its family,sape mau layan. Even aku pun malas nak layan. =)

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Am I really happy?

2011-12-24T01:39:00.001+08:00

Im not like Bella who would scream her lungs out whenever she had nightmares. Im unable to let others know by revealing my vulnerable side. Im the kind who would cry softly each and every night just so that no one would hear. I cant deny that I love him more than my own life,than myself.

Nobody wants us to be together but at that point of time,it didnt matter. Cause I got him by my side. I dont care if the world is against me as long as he's with me. Cause he's all that I need.

I admit i've made mistakes that i've fully regretted. I thought I knew him but i've failed to understand him. I've failed to try and be there for him. I was taught to love. I learnt it all on my own and i'm still learning. No doubt about that.

I've hurt him just cause I was insecure. Just cause self doubt is in my head. There will be a time where u tend to love someone more than u could ever imagine and when u feel that he kinda love u less,u'd tend to react irrationally. I guess thats what I did.

I failed to understand him and he failed to understand me. Maybe I was just being biased against him. I dont know.

Its just that he made me think about stuff that i'd rather not think about. And I just came with a judgement ready to send him into the gallows without even hearing his reasons why. I feel so ashamed with myself. I try so hard to be an independant woman but i'm still this wilful girl.

U have no idea how many times I begged God to return him to me. I kept promising God that it will be the last but along the way,it just got out of hand. It just seems too overwhelming for me all of a sudden. For a second,the lights of my judgement was extinguished. It just took a second to destroy a relationship that I wanted to last for a lifetime.

People says,"Get over him already!" But its just easier said than done. Its easy for someone who doesnt know him to say i'm better off without him. But honestly,he was the best thing that has happened to me.

Nothing that I do would ever redeem my selfish acts. I punished him just cause of a mistake and I just vent it all out on him. My frustrations. My anger. Everything.

I wasnt able to comprehend nor to empathise. I dont know whether I could stop loving him. These past few months has been torturous. It was like skinning myself alive just by pretending that im fine. No other guy holds a significant value to me but u.

Im not perfect. No one is. So why cant we just be where we were the first few weeks together? I dont know why God tortures me this way. Even if its a blessing in disguise to some but there's only one in my heart. Even when my heart stops beating and maybe even then. I wont stop loving him even if its from afar.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.1

Never Again

2011-12-13T20:03:00.001+08:00

Why bother putting my faith on guys when each and everyone of them are practically scums. Why bother giving in to any of u when I know it would just make your ego huge. Sure im all bitter now and the my judgement is abit hazy but it doesnt change the fact that guys are indeed beings who will be nice only if they want something from you. Dont try to convince that not all guys are the same cause one way or another,God will prove otherwise.

My mum once said that maybe the one im fated to be with isnt here. And that I shouldnt give up on love. But it gets tiring,putting ur life on the line and ended up bruised and battered. I just wish guys would just leave me alone and not target me like as if im some black sheep just waiting to be slaughtered. I know why lots kept being lovey with me. Its not cause im pretty or whatever. Its cause I have such a stupid gullible face and so they thought im such an easy sleazy target. Im not that dense. I know how a blithering idiot such as guys thinks.

So dont try cause im seriously not interested. Im not some sheesh kebab that u can sacrifice. Im not some doll which u can toy around and dump aside. I have feelings. Its not that im trying to playing hard buy I just had enough of all the rubbish guys threw at me,leaving me alone to clean up the mess that they alone had made.

I just wish I could live near a mountain far from civilisation.Just me,alone.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.1

3 days in Malaysia

2011-12-10T09:48:00.001+08:00

I really thought i'd be able to forget u when im out of my homeland but I guess not. Its the same blue skies. Same environment. When I walk into a 7eleven store,there it goes,the nostalgic feeling came and i'd see an apparition of u drinking that stupid coffee milk tea. I wish to be with him once more but yet this heart is afraid. Fearful of being disappointed. Fearful of getting hurt once more. I guess I just cant be with or without him. We were never meant to do or die. It sucked in so many different ways to have an aching feeling in my heart,just never knowing whether it will hurt. Just never knowing which train ride I should just take and then get off. Its unsettling to deal with the uncertainties. Im bitter because of the past events that has happened,dont judge when u dont even know what I went through. If u really think u know someone,in truth,u dont.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.1

Dug a grave

2011-11-16T18:26:00.002+08:00

It used to be so easy. I swear. It used to be so easy to look at someone in the eye and say,"I hate u" but now,do i really hate u? I tried. I really did. But somehow as day passed,it gets harder. I envy those who gets drunk all night just so that they could have a good night sleep. I cant even do that without actually exhausting myself. Wherever i go,its him that i see. I kept frowning till i swear if i keep this up for two more years,my face would be a whole lot similar to a bull dog. Gawd!

Hello to Goodbye

2011-10-12T13:54:00.002+08:00

It hurts doesnt it to bid farewell. It hurts doesnt it when the one u love betrayed u time and time again. It hurts doesnt it being labelled as the villain just cause u're standing up for your rights of happiness. They say the one whom u love the most will eventually hurt u the most. How true,huh?

I guess i was deluding myself all this while. I mean,i knew that it was bound to happen. Not that im a psych or looking down on myself. But in every relationships,it ends with goodbyes. Someday we're bound to part,better now than when we're married and have truckfull of kids. Right?

But its never easy to accept goodbyes. It never easy to wake up one day and realise that u're never gonna see him again. And it'll feel like the end of the world cause everything that u do is probably constantly reminding u about him. But when u're young,u'll tend to feel like its the end of the road. But the truth is,its only just the beginning. U'll meet and eventually fall for jerks along the way but someday u will find a guy who would love u just like how u're supposed to be loved.

And when that someday comes,he might not be dashing like ur ex who plays soccer or as rich as ur tycoon ex but all that matters is that,that man ought to have a heart like gold. The sad thing is,the more imperfection a guy has,most likely the guy will give u all his love for fear that he'll end up alone.

And that is why i stayed away from those hot guys. I guess my gut feeling keeps telling me that,the more hot a guy is,the more deeper u'll fall,the more hurt u'll feel.

Its rare to find a guy who will treat a woman as an equal. Its rare to find a guy who wont be biased against ur gender. Eventhough women are proven to be physically weak. But mentally we are a whole lot stronger. We have the courage to forgive all ur mistakes. We have the strength to look at u in the eye and love u once more eventhough u betrayed her. If a woman did the same,would a guy be able to forgive her? No they wont,unless he too cheated before.

Life is like a lifelong sinetron with stupid people that i swear u would want to curse for being so trusting and dumb. Life keeps making a mockery out of me. All i ever did was tried to have something different. Just so that i wont ask myself for the rest of my time,how would it be like if i had atleast tried. Would i be a whole lot happier? Questions kept flooding my mind each time "Love" knocked on my door step.

But i dont wish to make that mistake once more. Because if u were to give something to a guy,they are bound to want more. Same concept with a malay phrase that my teacher would say,"Seperti orang belanda meminta tanah""Dah kasik peha,nak betis"

Men would never be content with what they have. So why should i suffer even for a minute? Why should i spend my days with a guy whom i think in general,they're all rotten?

Dont u think that its unfair to expect women to clean after the mess that u men made? Why should this world be made to make u men kings? Because in my eyes,none of u ever deserved to have a woman in ur life. All of u men should just grow up without knowing what's a mother's love is. All of u men should just go to military school and be sick dement boys like u are born to be. I have no respect for men. Because of the injustice that falls on me.

Women arent created to be at the beck and call of a man. Women are created to be a sow who has to bear u children which could fill up a whole truck. Women arent created to see their husband fliriting with some other women. Women doesnt deserve to be hurt like that. If men doesnt even respect women,THEN WHY SHOULD I,A WOMAN EVEN RESPECT YOU,MEN?!

Im not discriminating against the males. Because all that i've just written,u could see it anywhere. And its sad to see a guy treating a lady like a slave. Like a dog. The only way i could see a guy and a woman be happy together is when,they're still in the courtship stage or when the wife has a higher qualification than him. What the hell with that?

I never said that all is beautiful in love. And i've never said that its better not to love. But its always a whole lot better to love a guy who has been through the previous events that u have. Just so that he could easily understand what u have felt. Just so that both of u could simply talk about the things that u could never say to anyone else. Its always better to love someone who keeps u like a best friend would.

Missed it!

2011-04-15T23:47:00.003+08:00

I miss blogging..like seriously! But the thing that i miss most is Hubby. Yeps,still with him and still going strong. Shocker isnt it. Oh wells. For the first time,i actually snapped at Ashari. Hell yeah,that felt great. No longer a deluded girl. I now know what the hell i had wanted. Im faithful now. Shocking on how i talk about cheating every other guy out there but end up being faithful right now. lols! Well,im a changed girl. I miss hubby alot. If it could be measured,there wouldnt be a name for it. Sighs! By the way,its Hubby's birthday at the end of the month. I cant wait to celebrate it with him. FOR THE FIRST TIME! lols! I actually bought a video game for him..crysis 2..which costs like 50 plus..if he hates it,im gonna scream at him..like seriously! I hope he wont read this! Its supposed to be a suprise..hehhs! But i had a feeling that he'd like it. Cause he once asked me to buy it. woohoo! I miss him..sighs! Oh wells,nak tidur lah sey. And dream of waking up next to him..oh yeahs! =X

Missing Him.

2011-02-27T14:31:00.002+08:00

I MISS HIM! GERAM UH! Meeting u yesterday was great. And im not talking about Hubby..oops! Kalau dia boleh,asal aku tak boleh? Kalau dia boleh lukekan hati aku,asal aku tak boleh? Ive always said,u be nice to me and ill be nice to u. U be faithful to me and i'll do the same. Aku fed up sak dengan Dani. Sampai Minah2 taik pun tak berani nak kacau. Aku nye muker betol2 macam dark cloud hanging above my head. Asik rase cam nak maki jeks..wahaha! Aku is bored. He ajak me go swimming today and im like,beh tak bilang siang2..i spend my money on shoes..how like that? Haiyoh! Honestly only Yan knows who is this "he",as in the only outsider that knows. I never hid anything from Yan. Wahaha! Dia hid stuff from me ader lahs..blueks! Haish!

At this point of time,aku nye thoughts is messed up. Its advisable to hang out with friends but aku tanak any fights to happen. Aku kalau emotionally unstable,i'll anyhow shoot or rembat,tak kire pompan ke laki. Aku kalau tak puas hati,either aku maki atau pukul. If u layan,then abes uh! Aku kalau tak stable,i swear macam aku kene sawan babi siul. I'll talk in a suara garau and im unable to control myself. That is why,jangan kacau kalau aku tengah unstable. Dalam diri aku ader banyak Syaitan yang tunggu mase aku leka in order for it to take over. Thats why aku cepat panas. I'd tend to sakit kepale kalau dengar azan atau dengar orang berdoa.

I swear,i tend to get a whole lot afraid when i hear Surah Yassin. Kau lum tahu diri aku macam maner. I try my best to fight my inner demon everyday. Cume kadang2 aku betol2 tak larat. If i were to feel yang aku betol2 tak leh take it,i wont go out. Everyone has demons inside of them whether they know it or not. Blueks! Alah asalkan,aku tak bunuh orang dah bonus..wahaha! Ernie ajak me keluar with her and Rose. And im like okay anything..but im free only on tuesday,thursday,friday&saturday. Other than that,aku ader sekolah. Supposed to be 5 days sekolah per week but then 2 of my classes got cut,sebab ramai orang sangat..buat darah orang up jeks..wahaha!

Okay Yana dont cakap macam minah yang tak pergi sekolah can! haish! He marah me for taking sleeping pills yesterday. And im like bukannye i dependant on it. I just eat one to sleep. Sleeping pills pun tinggal satu-dua biji. Haish! Nak beli lagi,no money. Pala puki betol. Argh! Aku cam rase aku dah nak depression lagi sey. I hope its just me jumping to conclusion. Sebab kan,maner ader orang giler mengaku dia giler? lols! Tapi aku tak giler. I know im not. blueks! I just need a friend,right now!

Fucking PMS effect.

2011-02-20T12:30:00.002+08:00

My moodswings are uncontrollable. I just cant help but be pissy all the time. Neways,been spending the night at the hospital with my sister and my friend. Im not the one who got admitted. Seriously,the only way i could get admitted is if i get pregnant and on the way for labour,lols! Insya'allah,that would be the only reason for me to get admitted. Woohoo! lols! Im so freaking sleepy. Only slept for a few hours or so. And boyfie didnt even bothered to text me. For one whole farking day. Aku pun ape lagi,dah on the way fikir yang bukan-bukan. Abeh dia dah lost my trust,aku kasik banyak chance sey. 2 months of excessive chance,dia tak berubah so aku pun start playing the field uh. Deep inside,i wish they were abit like boyfie sampai Yan was like,janganlah compare-compare dorang. Yan would know how bloody naggy i was.

I just kept on ranting like there was no tomorrow. Kesian that bro of mine who always had to entertain my nonsensical moments. Im lucky to have a friend like him. Walaupun aku mengada-ngada macam irritating rabak giler,tetap dia masih kat situ,just cheering me on. Dialah satu-satunya kawan aku dunia dan akhirat siul. Kalau dia dah tak der,aku confirm nangis berhari-hari and goncang kubur dia,suruh dia bangun sey.

No one has ever been a great friend like him. :) Im lucky to be able to find him. I thank God each and every day for giving me such an angel.

Weird dream.

2011-01-21T16:38:00.002+08:00

Weird but i first heard of this song in a dream. Mungkin aku dengar lagu ni bile aku tertidur semase dengar Misteri Jam 12. Entah kenape,tak boleh stay awake lah siul. lols! Anyway,in that dream,hubby held my hands and kept asking me to trust him and then it started raining and then he actually sang this song. Suddenly woke up and realised that hubby actually texted. lols! Weird lah sey,its like as if sub conciously i wish to believe him,that i wish to trust him. But somehow i just couldnt. Im sorry even if u were to give me dozens of roses,i could never trust u anymore. I do love u but i just cant help to question your intentions towards me. Im sorry. haish! :(

Aku sedih!

2011-01-16T22:44:00.002+08:00

I should be happy that my uncle wanted to sponsor my private school fees but somehow im not. :( Im sure they'll talk about it and vent it all out to my mum and she'll do the same to me. I didnt ask him to pay,he volunteered. So how was that my fault? I feel bad,i do. If it would make u stop talking,i will pay him back okays. I dont know how,but i will. Okay. Im sorry for being skeptical about almost everything. I guess when u've had too much disappointment,u just cant help but feel,maybe its just too good to be true. I just cant help being negative all the time. I know im not pretty,even if guys were to say so,i know it was just words that they've never really meant. I just cant get myself to believe those compliments.

Im unable to trust anymore. Im always on my guard but yet i kept taking risks. I kept wanting to plummet to my death every moment that I can. Till Ibu was fearful for me. She hid my penknives,my razorblades,even scissors. I couldnt find any kitchen knife which is sharp enough and no pills for me to swallow. Dang it! My mum knows how suicidal i can be. I just cant get myself to live anymore. Its like im braindead. Merely zombified. I just couldnt think but merely depended on my instincts. I guess thats the only thing i have left.

If i were to compare on how im loving from the past and now,i'd say that i loved more in the past then now. In the past,i would be so demanding,clingy but as time goes by,i give my guys more and more space. I tend to suspect them of adultery time and time again. I guess im traumatised by the fact that i got hurt. I really couldnt fall deeper anymore eventhough there were times,i couldnt stop myself from falling a whole lot deeper.

I just somehow cant get suicide thoughts out of my head. I know its stupid but somehow those thoughts just kept flooding my mind till i just dont even know what to do about it. I cut myself,drugged myself. But somehow,God just wouldnt let me die. I know its weird. I guess i have to jump down a building for it to work. Jump down a building and u'll be on the news..so what now Yana? Seriously,can i just jump down a building and not have people taking pictures of how i look when im dead? Haish! Think Yana,how to die fast! Slit my throat? For that,i may need a super sharp parang. I know its stupid right. Of all the sperms that night,im the one who manages to get chosen and here i am trying to kill myself over the most dumbest reasons ever. Im disappointed. I truly am. But i just cant get those thoughts out. I may need therapy but i aint wasting my money and time to all those quacks.

All i need is a friend. Not a therapist,but a fukken friend. My life is hard whether u know it or not. But all they could ever do is patronise me,just cause im younger than them. They'll go,been there done that. Honestly,if u've been there done that,doesnt that means u're able to have ample empathy and able to relate to what im feeling? But u just kept going on about how small my problem is like as if u dont even understand what im going through.

Not only that,u act like as if im that stupid. Like as if i dont have a clue about whats going on. Why is everyone making it seem like im the fukken attention seeker when all i fukken want is just one's company? I just want to be happy. I am selfish,all i ever want it to be happy for every moment of my life without having to feel disappointment or anger or sadness. Is it really just hard to ask for? Sure,everyone has problems. I have them,u'll have them,everyone has them but that doesnt give u the right to be so insensitive about it.

How would u feel if i were close to u and i just go,"Why are u being so sad for? Its just a small problem.." And then i patronise u by saying that u're gullible,naive,and all that blahs. And says why are u always hooking up with immature men..and all that blahs. And said,why are u behaving like its the end of the world just because of a stupid guy? U know what,Kieran would always reprimand me for being sad over a guy. He always would,like a big brother constantly keeping a look out for his little sister. I used to hated it. I just thought he couldnt understand the plight that im in. The situation that i've been through but over time,i just get used to it.

I do listen to his advice,i do try to take things slow and yeah,his "scoldings" just would knock some sense into me like nobody's business. And we're still close as ever..:)

Just that,i may have to disappoint him. Haish! No one could ever love me right. Not even Lan. My expectations arent that hard. I just want someone who would declare their love to me everyday and just behave like as if we're still deeply in love everyday,what is so fukken hard about that? I dont want to keep a low profile about my relationship. I find that stupid.

Why cant u just acknowledge me? Am i really such a disgrace to u? If so,why the hell would u even wanna get with me? Why the hell would u even say that u love me? I dont know what to believe anymore. I just feel that,if u really did love me,u would change ur status. U would declare to everybody. U wouldnt be ashamed of our love. To me,if u really do love me,u wouldnt have hid our love. I dont expect much from u seriously. I just wanted acknowledgement,more love,more attention. But i guess its just so hard for u,huh?!

The end.

2011-01-15T17:36:00.003+08:00

Finally updating. I dont know whether anyone is upset when i say,"u dont need to know about the updates of my life for if u're a close friend u'll soon know" but well i didnt get the chance to just hang out with them and talk about the updates of our lives. The only person that i've shared my problems was with Yan and Kieran and sometimes Robert. I didnt want my close friends to take me as a burden. I know they've got a lot on their mind and so i dont wish to bother them. I know i can handle this on my own. Its not that i love playing with fire. Its just,when u've lost the love that u thought was yours,u cant help but burn a strong flame of false hope.

And when u lose the one u love,the fear of losing my closest ones has increased. Till it just became a phobia. I cant handle anymore losses. I cant handle anymore heartbreaks. I've had enough. Im a step away to jumping down a building. I am a coward. I have no fucking sense of bravery. I tried to die several times,how ironic that im still alive. Not many knows of this but i heal fast. :)

And that is why even when i cut my wrists that deep,i dont lose that much blood. And the scars will disappear over time. It sucks at times but then i somehow thought that maybe God is giving me a second chance. Thats what u get when no one fukken loves u. Banyak yang kata,"I love u" but i just couldnt believe it. Even when they sacrificed alot for me. I know it seems that im asking a lot but thats how it is when u've had too many heartbreaks. In my mind,every other guy just wants to hook up with me. Full stop. They just want me to give them the best night ever and then they'll leave. I dont even care whether they're being sincere or not.

Im unable to trust any of them anymore. Im unable to believe nor have any faith. Im so disappointed. In me. From being a happy go lucky child,i've became such a reserved emotional nervewreck. Who i was hates who i am. :(
Thank You to all those bastards who did me harm. Thank You for messing with my mental health. I wont concede defeat. Aku tak sakit. Im not loco. If this hatred could make me strong,beware those whom i hate. I will make u pay for all the misery that u've caused me. Kau belum tahu the definition on insanity yet. I'll be ur worst nightmare,u son of a nutcracker! Pfft.

Nonetheless,im happy that i could meet Lan early this morning. Even if it was simply a short while. I was pissed but well,all good things would always comes to an end kan. I miss the taste of his mouth. lols! Simply love the way he looks at me. Buat aku cair jeks. Tapi kan,dia mamat motor sey. When i found out,my alert system was on standby. I guess i didnt want to suffer like Ernie did. I didnt want to hurt myself. But so far he has not been agressive with me. Oh wells,will know more when i meet him next time. Wahahaha!

Tak per,if he berani tangan me,i'll steal his bike and throw it down Kallang River..wahahaha! lols!
I somehow love him. How? Oh wells,im considered single anyway. So like Avril Lavigne says,"All my life,i've been good but whoa,im thinking what the hell."

What a mess!

2010-12-12T23:23:00.002+08:00

Been flirting around,i suppose? lols! Well,as bad as my luck with guys is,i've never had a backstabbing son of a bitch as a boyfriend or a scandal who would beat their girl like crap. I've never been into an abusive relationship and honestly,if i do..i'd be one stupid chica. lols! Been okay with bf..been okay with my other bf..gahs! And then there's wonderful Fazli..aiseybedah! Only changed my link today cause i dont want Dani to know of all this. I only wanted some fun. To be honest,i dont even know what to do anymore. But i know that i want to be with Dani. Till death do us part. I know that i've simply got to stop weaving this web of lies and get tangled in it. But temptation is simply hard to resist. lols! Why must so many guys seems to be attracted to me. Dah bute eh? Even when aku tak carik dorang,dorang yang carik aku..Aiseybedah. Gahhs!

Besides the whole fiasco,im fine. Just nursing my nenek back to health since she actually fell twice in one occasion. I have no idea how that actually happened. Negligence on everyone's part really..oh wells. Ashari got pissed once just cause i couldnt actually meet him. Dani,relax jeks. Tak jumpe pun tak pe is the expression that he's given me. Need i mention that he has scandals once more. Haish! Oh wells..orang nasihat dia pun tak guner lah sey..cause dia tak akan dengar..:(

Alamak! Smack Head

2010-11-14T00:52:00.002+08:00

Nari had the nerve to use Alamak chat. Lols! Added a few guys. But its for fun. Aku bukannye puki gatal. And im like so direct to the guys siak sampai dorang pun lari. Wakaka! Ahh,biar uh..nak cam sangat,i show them my masai face. Dengan mate aku cam pontianak. Wakaka! Aku is bored sak. Bf bo layan aku siul. Jadi ape lagi,aku try uh. Pagi2 gini masih chatting..mak kau! I really need my sleep siul. The next time bf nampak aku,confirm cabut lari sak. Ye lahs,aku dah berape hari sak tak tidur betol. Sampai pakai contacts pun pedih. Mate aku dah tak nak tebliak lagi. Asik nak sepet jeks. Benci. wakaka! Neways,i miss u bf. I really do. I dont know why u bo layan me. Ape nak jadi,jadi laa u. I really dont wish to know about it. My heart is hurting so badly siul. Seriously,if u wish to cheat..please keep it on the low. Cause i seriously dont wanna know. X)

Camp Out

2010-11-11T22:15:00.002+08:00

This will be like the second night,i'll be sleeping kat KKH. Nasib baik,tak nampak apa benda. Well.its a great experience. On the first day,i was so scared sampai tak berani nak gi toilet malam2. lols! Dont get me wrong,im okay. Just visiting a friend and got to ton there. X) It was okay lah,atleast can use the net. Siti kinda is okay cume she is feeling pain now and then. The pain got so overwhelming at some point till she actually teared up. No kidding. I hate hospitals,to be honest. But the babies here are so cute. How i wish i could have one. But well,ader boyfriend pun macam tak ader gitu. Selalu MIA jek mentang2 boleh drive. Entah dengan pompan sundal maner entah dia.

Seriously,i dont know. Dia dah pernah betray aku,what else should he expect from me? Siti read the side of my hand and kate i will get a divorce once. Berdosa kalau terlalu percaye. Semuanye di tangan Tuhan,betul tak? Haish! Aku is fed up. Bosan. Tak boleh tidur! I slept for like 5 hours today. Managed to snooze for a while in the bus just now. It really feels like camping. Just that we slack,alot. lols! Siti's siblings seems to get closer to me tapi rase macam they're sticking to me just cause dorang nak pakai lappie aku. Wakakka! There were times,i really feel like im sandwiched. I love kids. The weird thing about me is,i love baby boys but i loathe boys. hahahaha!

im back.

2010-11-11T01:47:00.002+08:00

Well im back,i've decided not to delete it. Stopped being good. Stopped being patient. Macam tak kuase uh aku. Aku kasik kau muke,kau pijak kepale pulak. Haish! More people panggil aku minah and im like. Eh sial uh,kau panggil aku minah lagi..aku amek cangkul pecah muke kau aru tau siul. Aku benci okay orang cam gitu. Orang yang tak de class langsung. Yang tak ade self respect langsung. Haish! Tak kuase aku. Updates of my life,tak perlu tahu. If u're a close friend,u'll know eventually. Lets just say aku sekarang tengah nak carik inner peace. Siape yang caring enough pasal aku carik aku lah. I've topped up my prepaid a long time ago. Aku is fed up with everything else. Bukan macam kau. Selalu kawan carik. Bukan cam aku. Sape sak heran dengan aku.

Bf aku pun dah bo layan dengan aku. So just shut up. Like as if ur life is way worse. Please. Aku dari dulu memang tak suke kau. Benci sial dengan kau. Pfft! Bitch! Tak pe,aku akan pura2 baik,just for u. Kau belum tahu siape aku. Hmpf.

I mish u bby..!

2010-09-05T15:21:00.004+08:00

Well when u're in love,u tend to behave like its just him and u...isnt it? Well yeah,the same goes for me. Ton with him and his friends..initially Nurul were to join us,but then she backed out last minute,bf was pissed seyy..then forced me to ask sesiape kawan pompan turun,and he was like Nurul tibe2 back out buat pe,bukannye kitorang nak masuk meminang ke ape,stakat lepak jek pe,itu pun nak malu buat ape sak? Haish! The thing about bf,he loves stuff to go according to his plan..and besides he promised his friend,so yeah..it was like an ego thing..hahahaha!

But yeah dorang kasar uh..if they could somehow make me cry,ape lagi Nurul sey? Lagi dengan bf perangai macam ape. Aku first2 diam jeks,tahan sume kutukan yang dia kate kat aku. And then biler Mai pun join sekaki kan,i guess dia tengok since bf boleh,and i dont seem to mind,so dia pun join lahs. But honestly i was about to break down sey. Aku tahan from petang sampai pukul brape in the wee hours. If si Mas boleh tersinggung with bf's words,ape lagi aku siuul? Aku lagi pompan tau. Wonder woman pun tak kuat sampai ke tahap tu seyy. When i had to accompany Mai to the store,i was already on the verge of crying,sampai dia tanye,u okay?

But atleast aku dapat tahan uh. Till went to seven eleven with bf. The breaking point was when he said,u maner care pasal i? When he said that,i cant hold it anymore..terus air meleleh and he have the nerve to say aku gembeng? Padehal aku keep it inside jeks. The thing about me is,i would either suddenly burst out in tears or mengamok macam orang giler. At that point of time,aku tengah nak pengsan siul,kalau mengamok..i dont have enough strength to fight bf,nor do i think aku sanggup untuk cedera dia for real. So aku nangis..mai was like why did she cry? Macam orang kaypoh gitu. lols! But he's pretty concern about me lah,macam aku adik dia sendiri.

Even mase tu,tengah cross road,aku sengaje jalan slow,and he totally grab my elbow,macam lah aku ni budak kecik. I understand lah,kalau ape2 terjadi,ape dia nak kate kat bf kan..he would feel guilty pers. Tapi kan,what he said to me was funny. If u got insurance,i'd make sure i follow u till the hospital and make u sign some documents to claim siul. But since u dont have kan,wasted jeks..hahahaha! Sialan betol..hmm,and then Mas said something about me,i forgot sey,aku blur skjap mase tu..but in my mind was like,kau fikir mataer kau banyak cantek? Dari tepi,okay lahs nampak cantek tapi dari depan,muke cam lempeng dengan hidung yang mancung flat gitu..blueks! Aku macam nak cakap jeks..but kawan bf kan..hmmm,belum ape2,dorang dah banned aku. Sedih ke pe..lols! Bukan ape lah,ni uh bf nye pasal..lols!

Hmm..i mish him lahs! Guys who add me at tagged has been pushing me to text or call them and im like buat pe aku nak waste duit aku untuk text kau atau call kau? Kau sape pader aku siuul? Puas hati aku text atau call bf aku pers..nak pompan sundal,gi geylang uh..perangai..! Macam jantan yang bodek dia nak kene kerat. Spineless..tak tau malu sial orang cam gitu..desperate sangat pers..! Aku tak suker uh. Im not that easy to get okays. The thing about me is,u give me what i want and i'll give u what u want..im nobody's bitch!

If not pasal bf selalu bagi aku attention..slalu jumpe aku,wants to get so serious with me sampai sanggup beli family car rather than a sports car,i wouldnt get this far. Terus terang eh,if not for all those sweet stuff that he has done for me and proved,we wouldnt last this long. I've never had a bf who's so rude to me. I dont deserve to put up with all that,but its only because i love him that much,till i dont exactly mind. Hmm..if it makes him happy then i guess by all means,go ahead kies my sweetheart..(:

And bf's exes keeps adding me up. Im like okay,jangan bilang bf,t dia fed up dengan aku. But so far,dorang tak berani ape2 lahs..eventhough bf tak kesah but i dont like people hating on my bf. I actually apologised on bf's behalf and hoped that dorang are able to forgive him. And i actually said,if tak ikhlas in saying last long k,then dont..what matters is sincerity. I know my love somehow moved him and that may be the reason why he somehow fell in love with me. To me,when i love,i'd always try to give my all to him. Treat it like as if its the last day of us being together because i never had the luxury of being in a long serious relationship. I never had that kind of moment where i'd be proud of flaunting my bf to everyone because he's always trying to make it low profile. Because my past bf's are always playing me. I never had any guy to sacrifice for me except for bf,and i greatly appreciate him. Made me want to fight for our love even more.

whatever lahs..

2010-09-01T17:44:00.002+08:00

And now aku bored. My laptop maseh kat uma nenek. Fed ups! I still cant read my stupid tagbox,oh it doesnt matter,confirm tak der new posts..and i still cant acess to tagged. Fabulous! Bf entah tengah buat ape,tak layan gue..tak ape..dah biase..anyway,nanti entah nak buke ape. Hari2 buke seorang..sedih kan..cume last saturday,ader jugak orang teman me buke..speaking of last saturday,it was nerve wrecking! It was like as if aku tengah go through judgement siuul. But u know when dah lepas eh,finally it was like a heavy load off my chest. lols! But yeah,overall it was an okay day. Bf's niece is so cute..there were times,im worried for her safety..tak tahu lah,with kids im so overprotective. lols! Macam u know,malang tak berbau pers..anything can happen. Lagi2,its not my child. Of course i was worried like hell lahs.

And i waited for bf like more than an hour..but then again,it was alright because i've waited for Yan like for almost 2 hours..sort siul aku mase tu. But atleast Yan apologised. Oh wells. I dont feel like talking anymore. My chest tightens each time i feel like screaming all my problems out. Hmm..aku kadang2 rase macam unfair tau. With me,bf seems to be all secretive. Especially about personal stuff. I mean yeah sure,he's a guy but at times,i just feel like getting a message across his head,like treat me as your friend will u! As in,why is it so hard to tell me your feelings at times? I dont understand. The type about me is,i love frankness. I love the truth so much that im so curious if ever i feel that something is up,and i'd be snooping around to find out about it.

U dont ever have to worry about hurting me,for im already dead on the inside. U dont ever have to worry about breaking my heart,for my heart has been broken before. Your words wont cut me alive,for im already torn. No matter what u do,u cant hurt me. Its not that it wont affect me,its just that,i dont wish to let it affect me. Its just that i know its no use to be upset with u. I love u alot,till i feel that i may be struggling u with my clingyness. Every other minute when u didnt reply,i'd sit in a corner and wonder,what wrong have i done.

I dont know why,i once said that i would totally be independant if i were to see bf everyday but im not. When im with him,i dont really care whats gonna happen,all i care is,i wanna have fun with the one i love tonight. But when he's not with me,i'd wonder what he's really doing? I question every other loop that i've found in his words. Somehow i feel that i dont trust him,somehow i feel that i dont trust the love he has for me or rather claimed to have for me. I dont know. All i know is,im upset each time he doesnt reply. Or avoids my question. But i try not to show it. I try to fake as much as i could. But there were times,it just seems like there's a crack on my mask. Like im beginning to put my heart on the sleeve once more.

Haish! I dont know. I kinda think its pms..lols! Cause i never really had this kind of uncertainty except for when im getting my period. Wakaka! Oh wells. I hope bf wont be so affected by it. Im trying my best to control my emotions. If bf thinks im already being mean,then he doesnt know my definition of mean. Oh wells..im really a nice kitten so how could i be mean? lols! But u know there were times,i kinda feel that bf is bored with me. The honeymoon period is over,i spose. Oh wells,time to be boring Yana! lols! Like step jual mahal. But then,wont that like reverse the whole love effect. I wonder cause bf isnt one who would want to layan orang yang jual mahal. But then again,maybe im wrong..hmmm..grrr!

Oh just shut up Yana and die. Pfft! Aku fed ups! Gahhhs! I feel like screaming..:(
And bf seen me cry,just cause he talked about what if he's dead the next day. Mak kau! Lemah pe aku? When he talked about that,i was so scared till i cried. Bukan itu ajeks..i actually hugged him tight and kinda like begged,saying i tak nak u mati..Aish! Yana!!! Tsk tsk..im sensitive towards the issue of death. If u were to beat me or cut me,i wont cry..or if u were to hurt me with ur words atau ape,i wont cry..but pasal mati,i will. No matter what. Even if i see someone die,firsthand..i'll cry..like one stupid baby..sedih ke pers! Grrr! And bf actually wanted to tape it,chicken dia! grrr! hahaha! I love him..me nak jumpe dia lahs..please Yana! The honeymoon period is over,one mistake and thats it..kau ni,tak abes suffocate dia. Let him be lahs once in a while. Kau ni pun..grrr! Okays..

I wont text him if he tak reply..i will give him space..(: Im sorry,im so used to being the cheerleader till i forgot how to give people space. hahaha! Especially when i love him like crazy..i secretly hate it when bf calls me just to ask about Nurul. Like ajak dia keluar tu sume. Its like,jealous pun ader. Dia maner tahu..grrr! Oh wells..give him space YANA!! Especially when u're going through mood swings..haish! May the art of patience be with me siuul! Pheeuw!

Ooi!

2010-08-26T15:13:00.002+08:00

Eh labu! Aku dah fed up tau..! Bf tinggalkan korang sume untuk aku so? Eh cermin uh diri kau dulu doh! Siak uh,buat orang panas jeks. Okay fine whatever. Honestly,kalau bf maseh ader scandals lagi,aku redha. Aku terima. And honestly,if those who hates me thinks im ugly,they're way uglier. And this isnt like a compliment for me. I realise my flaws.

So yeah,whatever lah ehs. Aku dah bingit. Dah bosan with girls adding me up. And leaving stains of the word Dani somewhere. The newest lagi daring,tanyer aku..nie danie nye mataer ehk?

Naseb baik kau tanyer aku baik-baik. Umur adek aku sial. Haish!

Apparently Yana dah batal puase so lantak uh. Aku fed up sial. Dengan pompan tu sume. Dengan bf lagi. Seriously aku paham their situation. I was once there. I remember back then,when i was with Naz. He didnt reply me for 9 days. And then somehow i got to know dia ader pompan lain.

U could ask Tobi on how bingit i was. When he suddenly contact aku balek,aku macam dah malas nak layan.

I really felt betrayed. So i practically could understand the hurt. The hatred. The betrayal that those girls were to felt. I told bf to u know,contact them just once and kate putus,thats it. Its a whole lot better than hurting them for a long period of time. Like my first ex. He broke up with me over the phone. Thats it. It was hurtful at first but then,u know the pain just went away after a huge tub of ice cream.

Guys had the misconception that when they no longer contacting those girls,they would slowly forget them,but hello! It doesnt work that way. I know cause ive been there. Guys know nothing about women. Nothing. I once told bf that he doesnt know how to attract the opposite sex. And he was like beh cam ner i pikat u? Well my dear,u didnt attract me. I merely fell to your feet in desperation. Okays. Because i need u to get me moving on. Without me realising,i totally fell in love with u for real eventhough i told myself not to.

It was simply not according to plan. U're like a challenge. Like a puzzle that i wish to solve. U somehow dont bore me. Each time u're not here,i crave u like u're a drug that i had to consume everyday,almost every other minute. I cant help but get stuck with u like super glue.

Bf is somehow like a lobster. He may seem tough on the outside but inside,he's actually soft.

hahaha! He tend to do stuff on impulse as well. There were times its hard to figure him out

because it seems like he's forever changing. But u know,i just know him for a month,give me more time,i'll know how's he's like in no time.

Easy to say,he's a whole lot like me in so many ways. The kecohness,the beylohness. The laziness. The constant urge to disturb people and say negative stuff about others. The insensitivity at times. hahaha! The sarcasm. And he's simply so sweet. But each time i think about those girls,i just went ARGH! I try my best not to let it affect me when im with him. I try my best to just stop thinking about it. When he's not with me,it bugs me. But when he's with me,doubts doesnt seem to bother me.

My time with him is precious and i wouldnt want to waste it away with a minute of sadness. That is why even if i were to be upset,it'll only be for a few seconds. And he'd totally take advantage of it. pfft! Well u know when u've been through a lot the past year,u'd tend to be somewhat mature. lols! And besides,Nurul's words gave me strength. The positivity she has. Its like giving me hope. And yeah,i pray to God everyday. My mum was like kau christian ke per? Okay lahs aku tak solat. Tapi i talk to him whenever i want,because all that u need is a pure heart to actually talk to him. And u know somehow,i could hear a voice telling me what to do. And assuring me that everything is gonna be okay.

Simply like putting wool over my eyes and make me believe that clouds are actually candy floss. Simply being naive. Thats what praying makes me feel like. Oh just so people know,i cant view my tagbox or anybody's tagbox. I dont know,parental guards maybe? I cant even acess tagged.

The only thing i could go to is blog and facebook. lols! Haish! Malas siuul aku nak amek laptop aku. Haish! Seriously,i dont mind trading bf's grandmother with mine for a week. Bf's neks is like little miss sunshine while my nek is like mrs gloomy clouds. If u know what i mean.

Oh wells,i'll see u when i see u. Feel like wanting to lepak with nurul uh today. hmmm...

Paranoia

2010-08-22T16:34:00.003+08:00

Each time a girl adds me at facebook,my mind just go,haish! Another one of bf's scandals. Haish! And i'd tend to be so paranoid about it. I dont know why. I just dont wish to get hurt once more. What my mum said about me,really hit me hard. She said,he's just playing me,he'll never come around. I dont know what to think anymore. I love him,i really do. But what else can i do? I really dont wish to have this fear harbouring inside of me. I dont wish to let insecurities bite me. He's always goofing around commenting on girls,disturbing them. Without actually thinking what the hell im feeling. Sure i dont mind if u're being friends with girls but there's always the boundary line. I dont flirt with guys openly when im with him or when im not with him. Whats so bloody hard about that?

Im simply upset. I saw that girl's hand with ur name on it,bf. Remember what u told me about that myanmar girl. When i saw it,i just cant help but think about what u said. This has to stop. Why must u be like Naz and Nury? Why cant u just break up with them and stop contacting them. But instead u simply disappeared from their life unknowingly giving them some hope to hold on. They're probably not gonna hate u,but they will hate me. For being the vixen. What wrong did i possibly do now,damn it! I merely fell in love eventhough i know i shouldnt when i accepted u. I've already classified into a category which i know i wont be able to handle and yet i fell.

I dont consider u a mistake or a regret. I thank you for colouring my life with colours that i would never imagine of seeing. I thank you for being there and giving me your attention like no could ever. But im guessing u're getting tired to do so. My senses are feeling that im gonna lose u sooner or later. But yet i pray that that day would never come. I pray that even if i were to die,i would want to die with a heart full of love,which rightfully belonged to u and only u.

haish! Simply dont know what else to say. I could only say that,i love u baby boy. I really do. I hope those girls wont look for me anymore. I hope those days of insecurities stop. Im happy with u,i really am. But i wont be if girls would start to acknowledge u as their boyfies and labeling me as the slut eventhough i know im not. May God give me the strength to hold on to u. May our love be the core of my resilient towards the insecurities that dwell deep in my mind. (:
i love u.

helpless victim role?

2010-08-20T11:46:00.002+08:00

I guess everyone must think im only capable of playing the helpless victim role,not! Its been such a long time since i actually lied. Okay,thats a lie. Psssh! It kinda seems that im forever
caught up with webs of lies. Bukannye aku mahu ni semua kan. pfft!
Im behaving more like a minah. Oh tidak! Aku tak suker! Aku paling benci sak kene label minah.
Eventhough ader panggil aku minah rep just for fun but aku tak suker!
Dont ever sterotype me to those low class malays. Please. Ape gunenye rupe
kalau perangai tak senonoh? Pompan macam gitu,kalau kau nak tahu,
lelaki pakai buang tau. Kasehan de loh..!

Well u know,each time aku nampak pompan yang average with a hot guy,i just cant help
but think,kecian..she kene twotime pun tak tahu. lols! Siak jek aku. Its just that
my past experience has always been telling me that,the more hot a guy is,
the more likely he'll tend to cheat. But in this past year,kirekan all guys are the same lahs.
Pompan gode sikit,trus cair. Haish! Its easy to get a guy horny.
As guys stimulate a whole lot faster than women. hmm..so nafsu siape macam anjing sekarang?
lols!

Hmm..like abg's ex once said. Its easy for women to get guys. Sekali jentik,banyak beratur. lols!
Sebab,lelaki giler nonok..hahaha! Klakar sey,when abg told me that. And those who's
average looking,they're usually targeted by these wolves. Like moi. lols!
Just that this red riding hood knows self defence. U have no idea how im like when im angry,bf.
When im angry,my heart hardens and i forget everything. Like the love i have for u and only
hatred burns inside me. I dont want that to happen. My temper is the worst ever.
I nearly killed my sister because of it. Not once but a whole lot of times.
Thats why kalau dia nampak aku dah nak meletup,dia yang lari dulu.

But well,u know right now im still managing it. To be honest,i dont like to mix around with
people. When i find a suitable clique for me,i'd stick with them till there's some internal conflict.
Women could change because of love and money. So,dont ever think that ur girlfriends
wont fight with u over anything. I used to think like that,but then we fought cause of a guy.
Stupid,i know! So now,if ever i know my friends like the same guy that i do,i'd give way.
Because i know they'll give him the same happiness that i know i would.
It doesnt matter lahs whether he likes me or not. Hmm..as i feel that its stupid to fight over a guy. Same with my sister and me,i give way. And he turns out to be a bastard. Too bad lah kan.

I dont have a prayer,i've got lots of guys around me. Who loves me and cares for me like a big brother would. Im grateful. We kid around,we tease each other,it was a whole lot easier when i was single. But now,u know..its so awkward. Cause i cant behave the way i used to with them
without actually worrying that there might be some misunderstanding. Well,u know to me
character,personality is always important. Love me for who i am within and not look at the exterior. As my youth will only be here for like about 30 years or so. After that,its all flabby.

Youth never lasts. Dont grip on it by going for botox or whatever. Thats just stupid. Dont ever
waste money on fake plastic. Its simply not worth it. Same like with tattoos. Those who have first time ugly tattoos actually said,dont ever do it. Its a permanent thing. But those who have
first time pretty tattoos that they've done at thailand,they actually said,come do it! Its totally worth it.

The moral of the story is,first timers should get ugly tattoos. So that they'd not get a kick from getting a new one. hahaha! To get ugly tattoos,do it yourself or do it at a tattoo parlour in s'pore. Guaranteed to be fugly! As visual artists here arent up to the standard. Haish! Popular locations for tattoos lovers,thailand..taiwan..and umm..gosh i forgot..should ask my friend once more.
hmmm..its better to do tattoos outside of singapore. Dont ever do traditional,i heard its painful!
And i do mean a whole lot more painful than the usual tattoo making whatever..

Eeeuw! Anyways,aku mau pierce my ears lah deyy. My mum dah tak nak kasik aku pierce.
pfft! Ye lahs tangan gatal selalu nak bukak jeks..last2 tak leh cocok lagi. cheese! My mum says aku nye telinge tebal macam telinge kerbau. lols! Oh wells. I feel like piercing at my ear bone
but seeing how my friend's ear actually got infected,i just cant help but go,umm..no way am i gonna do that. Some lagi,pierce their eyebrow..and actually got infected. haiyoo!
I havent seen anyone with two tongues yet,only in vids. In which they actually
used a razorblade and cut the tongue into half. Thats just gross in a way. eeuw!
dont ever do that,kids!

Some have tribal tattoos and im like wow! Okay i just remembered,another hot spot for fabulous
tattoos is none other than the USA. (:
I watched LA Ink and im like AWESOME! gosh! i want one..if my religion didnt actually forbid it.
I initially wanted something like randy orton's back tattoo. But then now,i feel like going for something else. Maybe stars,or butterflies.
Of course do it somewhere that my family wont know. hmm..now my cousin macam dah nak
hanyut,i dont know whether i should let him join the club or u know advice him on stuff.
Okay lahs,not that im a bad person,i've went through some juvenile stuff toos.

Yes its thrilling at first,but soon enough u'll have to know that. What goes around,comes around.
I've only stole once from outsiders because i cant handle the pressure. Lets just say at that point of time,i couldnt plan a foolproof plan. Didnt get caught,but that didnt give me a confidence boost.
When my parents couldnt give me the amount of money that i want,i..stole their money,but of course last2 kene tangkap. Parents,what they're gonna do? Grounding tak main lah eh kat singapore. So yeah. And i dont do fights.

To me fights is so low class. I do cheap shots. Sneak attacks. Guys find the stupidest reason to fight. Just cause someone looked at u,u challenge them for one on one. Bodoh ke pers? Grow up uh! If i were to be engaged into a fight,i'd make sure its worth it. If its not worth my time,jangan harap lah eh. I dont waste my time on the net and saying stupid words. To me,kalau berani,lets meet up,we settle. Thats it.

But most will be like,asl nak malukan diri kt public? Abeh kate aku ini itu,tak memalukan? Ape sak? Kadang2 kan,pompan melayu bodoh nak mampus sak. Malas aku nak cakap dengan orang macam dorang. haish! Kalau takot,kater ajek lahs. Nak step maner nye minah rep dengan aku. Pssh! Okay,kisah lamer yana. Chill! lols! I just dont like lahs,lebih baik kau jumpe aku,kitorang settle,in any way that u want. And the best part of this is that,dorang confirm kental bawak backup. Aiseyman. I dont need backups. To me,this concerns me and her,thats it. Tak yah,third party ni sume pe.

Pompan eh,kalau dah ego tu,meluat siul aku. Ish,but overall im a nice person,i swear! lols! U could ask any of my friends. Just that,dont ever cross my line lah if u wish to live. I have not yet masted the art of patience so yeah,biler aku diam..kau jangan sambung kau nye kutukan. Nanti aku jadi orang lain,kau kencing dalam seluar kang. Serious! People wont believe it till they witnessed it firsthand kan. Oh wells,make me angry then. As a matter of fact,make me so mad till im in a rage. It wont work on bf,just so u know. Everything that he does,makes me wanna laugh. hahaha!

Even when he pissed me off,haish! Sayang nye pasal lah kan. Paham2 ajer lahs. But if u're just a normal friend,u're in the danger zone. Especially if u're a guy. I have zero tolerancy rate against guys. Unless i love u alots. Then yeah,exception. If not,kau bace buku Yassin kau,pun cantek.
because u'll be a foot short from your grave. Ahh..aku bury kau alive baru tau. I guess cause im a gemini. I have 2 personalities inside of me. Weird kan! But its not split personality. Its still me,just that when my evil side takes over,my conscience disappears,my heart hardens. I forget about love,about god. About whats right and wrong or what the hell the consequences is.

Its never a good thing to be violent with me. Thats the most terrible mistake ever. U could be
verbally mean to me but once u've start slapping me,i dont care whether intentional or not,i'll break ur face,with my bare hands. :) My face is precious. And my hair. No one pulls my hair and gets away with it. Seriously! I'll burn your hair till u're singed baru tau. Technically,im not afraid of anyone who's of my age and younger. hahaha! But yeah,im afraid of those who's older. Like 10 or 20 years older than me. In my family fear is like respect. so yeah. When u fear someone,its like u respect them. Otak! hahaha!

So im not just innocent. Enough with the im innocent,im so cute,whatever. Blearrgh! It gives me the sudden urge to barf. Do u know that? Guys,they merely treat me like im their little sister. Always bully aku,nanti aku bully kau,kau melalak kang. lols! But i love being the little girl in their eyes. For once,2010 doesnt seem like a bad year after all. It was rough at first but in the end,its okay. I hope 2011 will be a whole lot better. I know,new year is like so far away but still,there's nothing in wishing for a great year in advance.

And umm..there's this guy who kept wanting to ask me out. hahaha! But sorry uh bro,im attached. He was like,if u're my girl..i'll give u daily allowance. lols! I think i've said this before?
To me,that was an insult. I dont need guys to give me money. That totally bruise my ego.
Even when bf gave me money for my taxi fare or ez-link,i bit my tongue. But i could just accept it cause i need it. Haish! I cant always ask my nenek for money. Cause im not her only grandchild.
And im not that close with my cousins. So i dont want money issues to cause any conflict between us. If my nenek were to die,i'd assure u that her children will fight over her assets.

U dont believe me? We'll wait and see lah eh. I told my mum,no matter what,dont ever try to fight over nenek's money. We dont need their so called wealth. To me,ape gunenye ader wang,ader harte,ader rupe but hati busuk. Ape gunenye eh,kau pakai tudung tapi sebab mulut,
kau buat dose kering ajeks? I dont understand lah dengan family aku. Pasal duit pun nak gaduh.
Haish! Jangan sangke tiada dengki antara adek beradek kandung sendiri. Money changes everything.

In a way,im glad my mum dont really have much. If my dad were to give all that he owns to my sis,i wont fight over it. Because i find it stupid to fight over wealth. Yang tak boleh bawak masuk kubur. Biler orang dah berumur tu,taubat lahs. Bersolat lahs. Insaflah kan. Ni tak. Sekali aku terajang dia kang. pfft! Well for me,i still have a long way to go. If i were to go alim,i'll be dead by the time im 20. I dont want that. To me,those who's gone early,they're going to a better place.
Unless its cancer,or an accident,or operation. If died after childbirth,im not so sure.

Well we all have to die someday,but if i were to have a choice,i would want to die in my sleep. The most peaceful and not painful death that i could ever think of. To me those,who suffers alot before death,ni mesti ader dose yang boleh diampunkan oleh Yang Maha Esa.
Heaven falls under your mother's feet. Well thats what they would always say.
What falls under u father's feet,well hell. lols! Hmm,that im not that sure.
U know when i was a kid,they would always say. U should love ur mother first,and then ur mother and then ur mother again,and then ur father.

No matter what sin a child or a mother have done to each other,they will forgive and forget,
no matter how hard it is. Like my mum and me. Even when she's rude to me,i forgive.
My family,they dont have a ladylike kind of etiquette. They talk like loud halers. Thats why
when im on the phone,can everyone please dont mumble! Seriously! Like bf. At times,its clear,and then its far,and then its clear. Bingit sey.

And my family,bukak tv kuat2 sambil berbual punyelah kuat. Mak kau! Pasar raye ke rumah nenek aku? Astaga btol. Thats why kitorang kalau karaoke,tak yah pakai mic..hahaha!
Well,speaking of karaoke. Aku mau gi karaoke! grrr! I dont know lah biler atok Yan aku free. wahaha! But if nak keluar dengan dia,takut bf marah pulak. I ajak bf skali,dia tak mau,beh nak cam ner? Tak tahu lahs.

I dont know eh,with my friends..dia macam tak nak jumpe gitu. Oh wells. Dorang not that bad pers. Just a bit decent lahs. hahaha! Well in my perspective lahs. I dont mix with mat rep,minah rep. Aku paling benci orang cam gitu. Poser sey. Menyamps. hahaha! Ader slenge bacin pon nak step mat rep. Aisey,kekeknye. Kau nak goreng aku pon,pakailah akal doh! Eh,yana! Dont use that kind of lingo! Haish! Please remind yourself that u're not a low class malay,yana! Yes im not a low class malay. lols! Oh wells. Be happy? hahaha!

Clueless

2010-08-19T11:12:00.004+08:00

There were times,i just cant help but feel that people are saying me

and then u know,i just cant help but brush it off and not care about it.

But then,i get so self conscious yet again.

Its like mild paranoia. Not to an over extent,though.

I mean i dont tend to hallucinate stuff.

Just that i get an uneasy feeling whenever im at crowds.

Like as if they're getting ready to pounce me when im all alone.

Thats the reason why i insist on following bf and abg to the toilet that day.

It just felt like im fighting the world everyday. Like everyone is

always against me. I dont know why.

I just dont like that kind of feeling. Why cant everyone just chill for once huh?

I mean,why must people be so judgemental at times. I'd admit,im like that too..

but atleast,i kept quiet about it. Anyway,can someone be kecoh with me?

I miss that Soffian. When can we meet and be kecoh together! lols!

But tak per,aku selalu kecoh dengan bf. hahaha! Gerek uh!

Bukan semua bf cam dia tau. lols! Aku nak gi karaoke sey.

Hmm..kene tunggu duit raye,then kitorang gi samer2 kays!

X) This year nak colour ape sey. My busu nye family dah beli silver greyish gitu.

Menyeboks jeks..hahaha! My busu was like tak per lahs,yana boleh jadi anak sulung busu.

Hahaha! Padehal she's just 38 this year. Young kan..hmm!

Then,i guess pink looks nice. But u'll never see me in pink. NEVER! lols!

Unless its like hot pink gitu..or shocking pink. But baby pink,never!

Its like barbie meets kiddy palace. I mean i love pink. I have items that is pink.

But honestly,u'll rarely see me in pink. If u'd notice,the most common colour

that i would ever wear is,black. hahaha! Most of my clothes are black.

Ader tanyer,are u a dark sadistic person? But ney,black just makes me look thin.

hahaha!

I just dont like wearing loud colours. Cause loud colours tend to make people see that u're huge

even when u're not. Im serious! I dont have anything in blue,nor yellow. Nor red. Nor pink. Nor

green. Yucks! Nor brown. To me,brown is the colour for the ones who's age is like 50.

lols! Because brown is a mature colour. I feel like buying cardigans again. I wonder should i buy the long ones,or the short ones.

I wonder should i buy a short tube dress,or a long tube dress. hmm,i feel like going shopping.

There's one simple excuse why my mum refuse to apply a credit card for me. I could maxed out the card in just one day. No kidding. Im quite extravagant. But of course,when poket kau pokai,buat tak tau lahs. Nak katekan,aku malu uh..kluar dengan bf,tak der duit. Serious! Its like

drop my water face gitu. Bukan with bf jek lahs,i mean like keluar with any of my friends pon gitu lahs. Haish! Thats why,kalau aku tak der duit,jangan harap aku nak keluar. But with bf eh,

nak atau tanak,tetap hati mau jumpe. lols!

Satu hari tak bertemu macam satu tahun gitu. alahai! Ishh,yana! Bf will be reading kan. Nanti dia fikir kau needy nak mampus,terus dia tinggalkan kau baru tau. Haish! I know guys hate clingy girls. Aku pun dah macam terlalu clingy sak. Ngade2 pun ader. Its not that aku tak sedar. Its just that i cant help myself. Its time to be independant,btol tak yana? haish!

If its that easy,its fine. But ni,it isnt. There were times,i wish i could read his mind,so that i'd know whether i've crossed the boundary line or not. hmm..

Oh wells,if i ader buat salah or what,maafkan i. Halalkan makan minum i. And maaf zahir batin.

Aisey Yana,raye blom tibe! hahaha! Sajo jeks..X) Aik,bahase kelanteh lak terkluar. Haish! Aku mau balek kampong! But i know no one kat my nenek nye kampong. :(

Ni uh,my mum..dia tak suke campur orang. Well,u know my mum actually said bf and i tak akan tahan lamer. Maybe wont even reach till marriage. Cause well,my mum aint like other people's mum. As in,my mum suffered a stroke before so yeah,there's a disfiguration at her face.

My mum was like,if my future in laws were to meet her,they'd reject me cause they might think that its hereditary. But it isnt.

My mum used to be beautiful. Even when she was 16,lots came and asked for her hand. She accepted one at last,he was a sailor,rich..handsome. But then,i guess someone cast an evil eye on her. It started with giddy spells,then she kept fainting. One day,she couldnt move her body at all. When my grandfather brought her to the hospital,the doctor said that she had a small tumour.

Thinking that its okay,they left it to disappear on its own,kononnye.

Im guessing they went to NUH. Or some stupid hospital. Seriously,the most efficient hospital in Singapore is KKH and SGH,thats it. Dont go to other hospitals,unless u wish for a death wish. Anyway,they get a 3rd perspective,and this doctor says the tumour has gotten huge,and so they did an operation on her head. Yikes! Everyone thought she's gonna die after that,because she was like in a comatose state for 2 days or so. When she woke up,she could feel,see,hear and all that but couldnt move anything but blink. She used to have beautiful eyelashes.

Like mine,just that a whole lot more longer and lebat. Hahaha!

But then,she says some nurse cut them short on one side. Its so funny. Now she have long eyelashes on her left side and uneven lashes on the right. And her right eye is dead. The doctor wanted to take it out,eeeuw! But she doesnt want to. So in order for it not to fall out,the doctor actually sewed her right eye at the end jeks. Just so u know,before u actually meet her. Its sad to know that she went through so much at such a young age. And because of that illness,the guy's mum actually reject her. And the guy's nephew married my busu instead. While my mum is stuck with a guy like my dad.

Its ironic to see someone who's such a swan in the past but now merely an ugly duckling now. If that tragedy didnt happen. We'd be a whole lot happier. After all that,she have made a few mistakes along the way. Her first mistake was being born in that family,her second mistake was not taking care of herself. Her third mistake was to let the guy go. Her fourth mistake was listening to my grandmother when she says,my mum cant get married to that ang moh. Her fifth mistake was to be in a relationship with my dad. Her sixth mistake was to get married to him.

Her seventh mistake was to be lenient on him. Her eighth mistake was to have me. Her ninth mistake was to give me all the freedom i'd wanted and not giving me her time. Her tenth mistake was showering me with gifts till i just became a spoilt brat.

Her eleventh mistake was to have my sister. Her twelveth mistake was to quit that high ranking job for my dad. The pay was like more than $2000. Her thirteenth mistake was downgrading our home. Her fourteenth mistake was letting my dad treat our home like a hotel. Her fifteenth mistake was going for divorce without demanding any compensation. I dont care what kind of compensation. Her sixteenth mistake was not forcing my dad to pay for alimony. Stakat brape ratus jeks. Thats how cheap we are. Other dads,pay like a thousand per kid tau. Ni..kedekut!

Her seventeenth mistake was cut off ties and connections without getting any money out of him!

Maner fair!

U might think that im such a gold digging bitch but its only right. That man didnt do his responsibilities as a father,not only that,didnt even gave financial support to us. Cume tahu buat anak jeks. Macam gitu nye bapak,aku malu uh nak kate tu bapak aku. Other dads,busuk2 pun ader kasik duit jugak. Ni..so irresponsible. Kalau ikutkan hati memang aku nak rejam dia sampai mati sak. All these years,yang tolong us is me and my uncle tau. Sampai her other siblings sume muke macam nak kene tampar sial. Ape,dia tolong kau nye fam boleh. Ehleh,macam lah aku tak tahu.

Dah lamer aku tinggal kat uma nenek aku kays. Aku dah nampak uh surat bills tu sume. Mak aku atleast tak der macam gitu. Busuk2 pun,she scrimp and save for us. Itu pun aku take advantage of her. =X PFFT! Nek Maureen's right,jangan sangke adek beradek tak de perasaan dengki. U look at my mum's siblings jek dah tahu. Manusia pakai topeng betol! And nenek is so bias against us. Ape,mentang2 kitorang tak der adek lelaki atau abang. Boleh belahs lahs eh.

Aku nak tengok sampai biler cucu lelaki kau leh tahan. Ehleh. Gender discrimination is so urgh! The reasons why aku tak puas hati dengan lelaki. My dad was partly the reason. The reasons why aku selalu lasak dengan lelaki. Sampai terkoyak baju abg..haha! Its just a small tear,i swear!

My strength is half of my mum's. She could rip that shirt with her bare hands. I guess years of labour made her hand rough,her hand is like a guy's! Serious! That time,she slapped,i could feel the burning sensation for a few days. There was like a mark to it. lols! But now,my mum tak berani nak pukul me. I once gave a blueblack to her right eye. Ouch! My legs is way stronger than my fists.

Bf ajar me how to fight can? hahaah! But i hate boxing. I once tried to learn taekwando but i cant even flip a person. I dont have arm muscles lahs! cheese! Tried to learn wrestling. hahaha! Nearly killed my sister because of a chokehold. Till to this day,dia tak berani nak pukul aku. But kurang ajar kat aku,dia berani lahs. Especially in public. Sengaje nak drop waterface aku. Cheese!

Aku pun dah lamer tak pukul dia. I dont know why,maybe i've grown to be patient. I used to be so irritated when bf slalu lambat. Serious! But then,i got used to it. Somehow. In order for me not to curse and swear,kene lah aku sumbat telinge aku,dengar music. hahaha!

If not,i'll be like maner dia ni? Asl lambat? Chicken mcdodol dia btol. Slalu cam gini tau. Lambat jeks. Lelaki yg kene tunggu ppn not the other way around. This this that that. Nanti ader lah aku menyumpah. hahaha! Hmm,Abg Zul says i look thin. Hahha! Ur degree dah naik lah abg! hahaha!

Otak dia btol. Haish! Nenek cam masak nasi ayam uh nari. Maybe im just smelling lemongrass. Oh wells. Aku nye gastric asyik nak singgah jeks. Oh tidak! I mish Nurul uh! haish! Yana pon nak ikut! Ish,tak tau malu eh! grrr! Haish!

Kay lahs..shit! Gaknye bf text dari tadi,but aku syok sgt dengan com. Aiseybedah! Hope he gets well soon though. My cute charming brown bear. hehehe! Love him! <33

Biler nak buat kuih! Yana nak tolong nek! hehehe! i feel like cooking uh today. hmm..

mendak sioots!

2010-08-18T15:30:00.003+08:00

Haish! Didnt get to meet bf in the end. Sort sak aku. Haish! I miss him.
Tapi okay lah,dapat bual dengan dia sekejap. Saket2 pun
leh kecoh eh u. Aku ish bored sey! bf skg gaknye tengah
syiok tidor..kecian dia. Tibe2 mcm geram uh..
hahaha! Geram sebab dah lamer tak cubit bf.
Oh wells. Aku ni kan beyloh habes. Well thats what people usually say..
haahha! Cheese berdebar! Aku nak seronok,dorang label aku sewel lah,
beyloh lah,biul lah,giler lah..ader ajer lahs. Chicken breast dia btol..wakaka!

Aku tengah mendak jadi paham2 aje lahs! Rase macam nak kacau orang uh. Hmm..
i wonder who? Feel like flooding tobi again! wahahaha! Not a bad idea,biar dia saket jantung..
wakaka! Tak baik,no lahs..love him lot lot! X)
My kekaseh lamer..haha! i wish..lols!
Oh wells,since dah mendak tidur ajek lahs..if only i could..
grrr! I think i can lah..
If only STUPID construction wasnt happening,u chicken pig stork..lols!
Tak baek nye! Haish..nari buke bubur lambok! Aku bau jek macam tak selere sey..

Not that im ungrateful. Rezeki kan,cume macam aku tak nak makan bubur. Bubur untuk orang saket atau budak-budak. Aku tak saket..cume saket jiwa aderlah sikit2..hahaah!
Kalau percaye,kau lah yang paling bodoh. Aiseyman! Feel like buying Ramly Burger uh! hahah!
Dendeng kers..hmmm..yum yum! Ai Yana,orang puase makin kurus..ni kau nak makin gemuk pulak..cheese berdebar!

Kay lahs..i feel like fasting for the rest of my life. lols! Diet! hahaha! Diet2..last2 dapat gastric. haish! Aku kalau dapat gastric,aku ngade2 tak boleh angs..boleh kalahkan budak kecik. Tak caye,tanye bf..hahaha! So funny. That day was fun. The day that we first met. Awww..full of memories. lols!

I love my bf alot. No matter what people would say. Nurul once said dorang bukannye
tahu ape yang Yana rase..ape yang Yana lalui..jadi janganlah dengar cakap dorang sangat. Sebagai kawan,dorang patot kate yang positive pe..btol tak? hahaah!
Well thats what she says pasal biler i was with Nury..hmmm..tak de maknenye..
With Dani,i dont know lah whether they're saying anything negative. So far,i've only heard the positive.

Tapi kitorang tak tahu lah. Its between them and Tuhan. Yana tak kuase nak masuk campur.
Harap2 dorang senang lah biler nampak Yana happy dengan bf. :)
If u first meet him,maybe u'll not like him..sebab dia suke kacau orang. hahah!
Kecoh lah dia. But u know after a while,u'll soon to learn how to just laugh along lahs..
Macam aku. At first,aku irritated siuul biler dia panggil aku makcik keropok lah..monyet lahs..
pekak lahs..sial lahs..(no kidding) tapi after a while,im okay with it
cause aku tahu dia stakat bergurau. Cume biler dia bergurau,he doesnt know the limit lahs..
hahaha! Or maybe dia sengaje go over the limit..

Sampai adek aku naek bingit siuul. haaha! Macam maner lah tu. Slalu kene hantu galah..hahaa!
Siak jek lahs..with bf,its so kecoh. Dia kadang2 mulut mcm nak kene cili..like abg says,"Mulut kau tak der lesen eh?" hahaha! Ape yang dia nak kater,dia maen shoot jeks. hahaha! He's pretty open lahs..not suitable for narrow minded people. haahha!
I love him alot uh..haish! Friday cepat datang oiii! lols! Skali friday keluar dengan Abg lagi..alahai!

Okay lahs,i like abg..kalau tak buat pe dia jadi abg aku kan..mepeks. Feel like watching movie sey. Hmmm...nak tengok step up 3D! tapi the reviews isnt that good. Should i take the risk? lols!
Haish! Entah uh..aku tengah pusing sey. Feel like eating popeye lagi uh. Tapi kan,kau makan kat saner,kau confirm tak boleh habeskan. serious! Especially if u're Ernie Yusnita. haaha!
I remember bf made a bet with me. haahah! funny! He says that kalau tak der kedai popeyes,Yana kene strip naked in public tapi kalau ader..dia personally potong batang dia. hahaha! Biler dah jumpe eh,muke dia cute giler sey! hahaah! hmm..kay Yana nak tidur!
Should ask my sis to buy tokoyaki for me. Aku suker! X)

Kesunyian tanpe teman

2010-08-18T10:07:00.002+08:00

Nurul dah balek kampong. Will miss her. Ye lah,dia skali pergi,almost a month baru balek u know!
Yana actually nk ikt her tapi,ni uh..ibu tak kasik. Lagipun,tahun ni..first time leh raye dengan
bf. Hmm..tak pe next year,Yana datang ramai2..hah! Terkopak kn poket orang yang datang.
lols! Aku is bored! Tak der Nurul,Yana akan merasa sunyi satu macam. hmm..
Yelah,Nurul jek yang layan aku selalu..unless dia balek kampong lahs..
Den terus tak der berite..

OoOo! Yana kan pernah kate kalau lepas raye,Nury maseh tak membuat keputusan,Yana
akan membuat that decision for u. Bukannye kaypoh ke ape,this is personal.
Yana akan tetap suroh Nury pilih Nurul. Dah berape banyak kali
dah,Yana nak set Nurul dengan a few guys that i trust. Tapi since
takdir dia maseh dengan Nury,i'll have to make a plan
to get Acah out of the picture. Tak usah nak msg Yana
just cause i put her stupid name here. pfft!

Anyway,Yana tak akan libatkan Nurul dalam hal ni. Biar si pendek tu carik Yana.
Alah,Yana selalu kat woodlands. Meh uh! Woodlands dengan Chua Chu Kang
dekat pe. Ehleh,macam lah dia kuat sangat. Blueks!
Kalau sekarang,susah nak hasut dia sebab,syaitan iblis sume dah kene lock.
Lepas raye biler dorang dah dibebaskan,baru boleh.
Senang lah sikit,keje akak ni. Setakat cocok saner,cocok sini ajer..

U brought this upon yourself eh. U have like a year to change tapi kau maseh continue lagi then
too bad lahs. I still save ur past messages as proof. Aku tahu someday
i'll have to do this dirty job,either for myself or for Nurul.
Jadi,brace yourself lah eh. But aku macam rase
dia dah tahu uh..kalau dah,lagi senang untuk gue.
Muahaha! Alah,bukannye Yana jahat.

Yana nak buat semue ni pun sebab Yana sayang Nurul. Yana tak suker
tengok kawan Yana dalam situasi yang dia tak mahu. Kau maner tahu
penderitaan seorang wanita. Kau lelaki dayus kau! Kan aku dah fed ups.
So yeah,ni bukan ugut ke amaran ke ape ke bende.
Ini cume sebuah pesanan. The more u delay,the more i'll
unexpectedly knock on your door and change ur life
for the worst. Baru padan muke kau.

Peace! Oh baby boy nari saket uh. Haish! Tak puase pun boleh saket..
wakakaka! Alahai! Keciannye baby i. Itulahs,selalu tak cukup tidur kan.
Get well soon dear! Alah,agaknye dia malas nak pegy camp..hahaha!
oh wells..rase cm nk jumpe dani uh nanti..should i?
I should! lols! X) Inilah takdir..hehehe! Cause nari i actually kene kluar,
jumpe jap dengan my busu. After that,maybe leh jumpe Dani.
Itupun kalau dia nak. Mane tau,dah jemu tengok aku eh.
Hmm..saded! Tak ape..always look on the bright side of life. X)
There's no use for negativity. For life is simply too short for hatred.

i miss u,DANI!

2010-08-17T23:11:00.003+08:00

Missing someone so dearly! Ahhh! Tak aper,lagi 3 hari gitu leh jumpe dia lagi..hehehe!
Every weekend confirm melekat dengan bf mcm siput babi. lols! Kalau keluar dengan bf,jangan harap aku nak balek. lols! But i hate torn-ning with bf. Sebab after 3 am trus,otak aku mati sak.
Its like that though. I have no idea why. After 3 am,im no longer myself. No more energy to even talk. Kalau torn,but end up sleeping with him,is gerek! lols! I mish sleeping with u,baby! lols!

Aku ngaco-ngaco aja! hehehe! Entah lah,kadang2 aku suke cakap bahase malaysia..macam2 dialect ader. Mcm gerek gitu. lols! Okay,aku is boring. And next wednesday is our one month anni.
Cant believe that we've gone this far. Seriously,i've been through a lot when im with him.
Macam2 dugaan siuul! Tapi tetap kite maseh bersame,entah kenape.
U know,Nurul's words has always kept me thinking. Biar yang sudah tu sudah. Just buat tak tau and enjoy lah biler jumpe. Thats what she says about her meeting with Nury.

And i told myself,if Nurul could do it,so can i. Tapi ye lah,ader mase tu,terkluar pun ader. Im sorry. But i tak leh deny lahs,u've made me happy just by being by my side. Just by talking. U've made me laugh,oh so easily. U've irritated me yet managed to make me laugh in the end. He's simply one of a kind. The kind of feeling that i have with him,is a feeling that i've never had with someone else.

My love story's the best cause there's u in it. Thank you my dear Dani for being part of my life when i needed someone the most. Thank you for spending lots of time with me and giving me the attention that i never thought i would get. And may our love reached heaven's abode. X)
insya-allah. Amin. :)

I miss that teddy bear of mine. hmm..hehehe! He's good to hug when the room is cold. Cause his body will be warm and snuggly like a polar bear. lols! The only con is that,he snores. hahaha! But i still love him from the first time we've kissed. X)

unexpected weekend

2010-08-16T22:32:00.004+08:00

woots! miss me? Well i'll be disappearing over weekends,phm2 aje lah eh. Anyway last weekend was rocking..although we didnt went to a club but honestly,eventhough i didnt drink,my head hurts like hell. I wonder how bf is feeling? lols! Met up with bf and his friend,Rashid (i know its the same name as my dad! lols!),who unexpectedly becomes my god bro. Style ke pers? Anyway,yeah kitorang isap shisha,in which i didnt know its approx like smoking 100 cigarettes. Aku kan budak baik! So yeah,i actually tried it,okay lahs. Just that when the taste lingers inside your mouth,u just go bleaargh!,eventhough there's mixed fruits flavours or whatever. Bf actually gave me the silent treatment on Saturday. Well he kept saying he didnt mind,so i kissed my bro at the cheek. Aku pun dah pikir macam2 sak on saturday,i kept texting my bro and he was like bersabar lah,see how it goes. He was like,entah tak tahu ape nak kate.

He was blaming himself,and i just went bonkers. Sunday was the limit,i was totally praying like hell for God to be lenient on me. Seriously! And so i cut myself,couldnt find penknife,scissors or even kitchen knives. Seriously! I guess my mum must have hid them away or something. Yeah she knows of my crazy antics. Like i would always say i tend to act on impulse at times. Which means there were times i tend to do things without actually thinking about consequences. Like as if someone suddenly took control of me for a few seconds and i just dont know whats going on till i feel a surge of pain.

When bf noticed it,he was pissed. Even abg shook his head in disappointment. Bf gave me a warning that he would find someone else if i were to do it again. Well,i'll try not to do it again. Its not even deep,it's like scratches. Just that,the pinkish seems to attract attention. I really feel that im dark so just shut up about the im fair talk. lols! But u know,at last we're fine. Thank God,siak! Aku macam nak nangis siuul mase tu! Serious! It was like pheeuw! Finally aku boleh dapat bernafas balek. It was like a huge emotional baggage was removed just like that when he gave me a hug and kissed me once more. I was petrified,seriously!

Tak pernah seumur hidup aku,aku takut macam nak rak to lose someone. Its so weird how i fell in love with him so fast eventhough u know,when we have never met,i swore im not gonna fall in love once more. But then,i dont know how he managed to swept me off my feet and made me fall so deep. Its just so weird. How things have changed just by spending a lot of time together. And i do mean alot. But i like it. Eventhough i really should start working,so that I can buy new clothes and prezzies for my bf..hmm! But if i work,i would spend less time with baby boy. Hmm..

Tak pe! Baby boy says he might be going tekong again,dont know when. During that period of time,aku akan keje sampai nak mampus so that i wont miss him so much. Seriously! I dont mind seriously! The reason why im working is just to pass time though. Not for the money. I dont give a damn about the money. U have no idea how i spend my pay,seriously! Kalau tak shopping,pergi makan-makan. Atau karaoke. I spend water like money sak. Thats why nenek pun takut nak kasik aku duit. My maternal family and paternal family,they're pretty well to do. Dorang boleh keluar kan 10 ribu,just like that. Hmm!

My dad's rich. Especially after his cpf dah keluar. Kaching! Jackpot siak! But malas aku nak carik dia. Lantak uh,my mum..dulu jek loaded. wahahaha! Dah puas aku perah duit dia. X) Okay lahs,dulu waktu sekolah,selalu belanje kawan. Selalu merayap. Selalu tengok wayang. Selalu beli barang. Im quite spendthrift,seriously! Kalau nak duit,cakap jek uh,nak beli barang sekolah,padehal burn kat tempat lain. Dulu cam gitu uh,sekarang..mak kau! Susah sak nak kikis dia. Cause she will purposely spend it all. Serious! Aiseyman! Baby boy hates ibu just cause she says Ns men sengkek..wakaka! He told abg about it,trus muke dia pun berubah. Wakaka! Sorry uh,my mum slalu cam gitu uh.

She tend to paint every guy with one brush. Otak sempit katekan. She and her family same lah,boleh tahan. Buat pekakkan telinge jek lahs. Hmm..bf once said im behaving a whole lot more like him but its only cause im beginning to reveal my other self to u. My other self that i know no guy would like. No guys would like pompan yang macam bosia. Pompan bosia,lelaki pakai buang. Ingat aku tak tau ke? Aku dah lamer hidup uh sak. So yeah,the reason why i have a lot of friends is cause they dont know who i truly am. With an innocent face like mine,its easy to deceive,to lie whenever i want to. Im not proud to be who i am. I tried to change,i really tried my best. Just give me time. Kadang-kala,i dont know why im like this. Is it cause im not that close with my family or cause of family influence or cause of what?

I dont know,there were times i ask such questions in my head,and i ended up with a severe case of headaches. I love bf and i dont want to lose him because of my attitude problem or whatsoever. I dont like behaving macam minah rep gitu. Seriously. Aku tak suke tau pakai bahase kesat tapi dah macam biase,the word sial selalu nak terkluar macam ape gitu. I dont want to be the one i am. Someone who's so rebellious gitu. Bad habits die hard. I've never met someone like bf or abg,so there were times i tend to think twice about offending them. hahaha! Serious! Kalau aku lelaki,confirm dah lamer kene belasah,tapi well my good luck to be a girl,selalu kene manje dengan dorang dua..ehehehe! (:

Oh terserempak with Haresh today. Mak kau! He was like squinting his eyes and smile at me,aku buat tak tau jeks. He was getting closer kat bus,tapi aku jeling jeks. Biler aku jeling,i guess dia offended uh,terus belahs..alahai! Well Haresh was the first guy i'd ever liked! hehehe! He was the soccer captain in my primary school. Hmm..semakin hot dia! lols! Bf,dont jeles eh!
Sorry uh bro,tak ingat kau pulak..aiseybedah. Kalau tak confirm aku mintak number kau. lols! He had a hot gf! And i do mean HOT HOT HOT! Yashierra. x) Way hotter than ur liberty kay bf. Way hotter than your zizie katek kay bf. Blueks!

My taste in girls is way better than bf and abg. Serious! They aim such hideous girls till i feel so inferior. Yelah,kirekan im so fugly pers. Oh wells! I know i am..not that im ungrateful. I am grateful to God for giving me such beautiful eyes. I love my eyes,i just hate my nose. When im stressed,there'll be like a zit at my nose. Style ke pers! And that is why bf,dont make me stressed out. My nose is like rudolph the red nose reindeer now..grrr! Oh wells. Oh and i think Agnes Monica is hot. Bf says i kinda look like her,and im like otak u! lols! She's way beautiful! hello! lols! Totally love her! ((:

Been a fan since she was 14 serious! (: Thats like 10 years ago siuul! X) Hmmm...love her lots..Of course i love Katy Perry more! hehehe! Katy's my first wife,Agnes can be my second. lols! Giler gaknye aku! If being lesbian wasnt that scary,i would have tried it. But well,nehs..being with a girl is equivalent to being with a nightmare. I guess thats why they say men are way patient thant women but i highly doubt it. Oh tak eh? :X

change.

2010-08-12T13:30:00.004+08:00

Cinta yang ada di dalam hati adalah lebih bermakna daripada cinta yang dilafazkan. Baby boy makes me so amazed at times. Dia pandai jage hati aku,pandai buat aku ketawe. And u know,what he says is so sweet! He actually said,im the first girl that he actually wanna be sincere with. Awww! I know everyone will be like,dont believe him! But,well im trusting him. Even with my life. He's there to catch me when i fall. He doesnt mind the flaws i have. He texts me early in the morning almost everyday and says good morning. He doesnt mind spending alot of time with me. I once asked him this,"U tak jelak ke,tengok muke i hari-hari?" lols! And he just stood there and shook his head while saying the word,"tak" in absolute seriousness. Awww!

He's totally not the type who would bodek around with me. He's become a part of me,unexpectedly. I didnt realise the sacrifices he would actually make for me. For me,he's willing to change. For me,he's willing to get a family car instead of a normal sport car. For me,he's willing to spend more time with me even when he's super tired from camp. For me,he's willing to spend the money to go somewhere private. Even willing to help out in the kitchen,i mean which guy would want that..lols!

He's simply the charm. I just love pinching his cheeks and talk some baby talk with him. Well,he's my baby! hehhs! There were times,i just get caught up with all the negativity till i forgot the meaning of empathy. Till i just had this thought that im the victim once again and Dani was the villain. Never did i stop to think about his feelings. I was in the wrong,i'd admit that. And i know right now its just empty sorries because i kept messing it up every now and then. I dont blame him for being disappointed. I am too in myself. Its just that i didnt wanna get hurt anymore. And the fact that my intuition is never wrong,it just gets on my nerves at times. No one would understand how it feels.

Im not as strong as i look to be. Im a tahu lembik u know! hmm,i just dont know what else to say. Im speechless. All i know is,i dont wish to lose Dani. I dont wish to be alone once more. I dont wish to lose a best friend. I know i have to change my ways soon enough but how can i? The past seems to be catching up on me real fast. Im at a dead's end once more. I dont wish to break with Dani. I dont wish to let him go. I try not to mind about those stupid biatches. I try not to let insecurities bite me right in the ass. But u know what yana? U'RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH! urgh,just simply hate myself.

get a grip,girl!

2010-08-11T22:01:00.002+08:00

lols! Belum kahwin tapi aku dah macam makcik nenek gitu. lols! Kecian Dani. I miss him lot lot! Honestly kan,aku ni super open. Just talk to me about anything and i'll entertain u with my illogical nonsense. hahaha! Unless i dont know u that well,then dont. But honestly the more tired i am,the more crazy im likely to be..hmmm! I miss Dani. Oh get a grip girl! Damn! Can i just be a 13 year old again and go lovey dovey and not care about how bad life is or whether he's gonna play me out or whatever. Seriously,for once it feels great not worrying all the time. For once it feels great to be naive and just fall.

U should try it. Of course its a different story if u crash and burn. Just take it slow and dont take a wrong turn. Im taking it slow,sort of. Ever since that night,i just cant take my eyes off him. Im getting too attached to him till i just cant help but question myself. I mean,am i ready to get married with him,and have his kid. I mean am i ready to spend the rest of my life with him. I have no idea. Its not that he's all bad but i kinda feel he's still financially dependant on his family. And he's quite a spendthrift. He's pretty much a heavy smoker,and i dont mean his weight. Im thinking of our future bills,and what if we have kids?

Im not gonna stop at 1 for heaven's sakes. lols! Atleast 3..if i could actually go through the first. lols! Be confident,eventhough its gonna be a whole lot painful than sexual intercourse..oh my gucci! But oh wells,if one..he/she might end up being lonely..if just two,same..but if 3,just right! lols! It'll be wonderful to see my kids with curly hair or wavy hair. hahahaha! Im already thinking about kids. Oh my prada! But u know,before marriage,i have to achieve something. Honestly,being in the guy side of the family is a whole lot easier than being in the girl side of the family. There were times,i feel that im just not good enough for Dani. I dont know with him,i just felt stupid. Lagi-lagi biler he actually called me bodoh,monyet,pantat..lols! And macam-macam lagi. Eventhough i know its just for fun but honestly,there were times it does seems to hurt my feelings.

So yeah,im not gonna get married till i actually feel that im at the same level as him. Or better. Lets just say,im one egoist bitch. I dont like being felt like i have to depend on my husband to live. He wont live forever,u know! What if,god forbids..he were to leave me whether in divorce or a matter of life and death,then what? A woman who has no money or education,is simply a woman who has to get remarried just to raise her kids up. And i dont wanna be that woman. Once i've promised to be with him in sick and health,and to love him and honour him and be faithful to him,i will. Till the day he leaves me for another woman. Like Nury. Nah,he didnt leave me,he merely lead me on. Tsk tsk. Okay dah yana,jangan macam-macam. lols! Yang sudah tu sudah!

Lets just be random. There were times,Nurul really freaks me out. Baru tadi dia ajak aku tgk bende yang i dont even wanna get involved with. Mak kau! Tak der keje lain ker per nurul! lols! Seram sejuk siuul aku dibuatnye! lols! I dont wish to have insomniac nights anymore,i've had it. My eyes looks like panda's eyes,thats how blackish it looks like without compact powder! lols! Terok ke pers. U could ask Dani,its horrible! I look like as if im one of the ghosts. lols! Kimek sial! Why am i talking about this! Pokeywak btols! Kay stop it yana! lols! I miss sleeping beside Dani. To hear him laughing in his sleep. lols! Or to see him resting his head on my thigh and eventually snore. lols! I miss u my baby boy! lols! And the stupid faces,u would do to irritate me but in the end,i would just end up laughing and asking u to do it again. lols! My beyloh sayang..hahaha! I love u lot lot sayang! <33

love!

2010-08-10T23:13:00.001+08:00

Met Dani today! hehehehe! With my sister as an extra. As usual. Anyway,dorang dua kan..kecoh giler! Last-last tak tahu macam mane aku kene left out,sedih ke pe. Aku break one corner jek,duduk diam-diam. Totally it felt like,nabeh cibai gitu! lols! Lets just say i dont like to share. Especially the things that cant be share. Oh wells,tak aper since she's my sister,i'll give way. (:
lols! Rabak ke pe aku nye cembulu..lols! Wells,i dont know lahs. Bf slalu kacau aku by commenting other girls. Dalam hati,macam nak smack ajek dia. hahahaa! But u know,i love him so much! lols! Ape eh,aku nak cakap? lols! Ouhs,bf is believing that im so stupid. Just believe that. I dont really care,im so tired of thinking. Being stupid is so easy. Like u have no worries because u're so stupid till u cant think about anything. lols!

Im tired of thinking of all the possible reasons of why bf is behaving that way. Im exhausted of trying to read my bf's mind just like how i try with my exes. Im exhausted of reading the signs. Im exhausted,damn it! Grrr! Anyway,yeah even if bf were to lie to me,i dont even care. I dont even wish to be bothered. I dont wish to dwell in negativity once more and end up having mild depression. Im just gonna be ignorant and be stupid. Yeah! Just be stupid. For once,i have a clever bf and its driving me nuts. I mean every other guy that i was with,its so easy to know whether they're lying or not,but with bf,he's a whole lot like me in so many ways.

Thats one of the reasons why i forbade myself to be too attached to him. I may always be saying positive stuff about him but its also because i dont wish anyone to be reading negative stuff about him. My senses are going wild saying that u're danger. What more can i say? Haizzzz! But u know what baby,im not gonna believe my senses,but instead im gonna put my trust,my faith,my all in u. Hoping that someday u wont prove me wrong. And that i was right in trusting u.

Im just gonna shut my mouth now. And be happy with baby boy. Cause i know that he could be the one. Yeah,be positive yana! (: Anyway,he's a whole lot like Hadi,lagi aku fikir macam-macam. lols! Be positive,damn it! P-O-S-I-T-I-V-E! If Ernie can do it,so can u! Yeah! lols! But Dani isnt exactly cheating,or is he? Dang girl! BE POSITIVE WILL U !!!!! grrrr! lols! hehhs! Im just kidding. I've got to be optimistic! Yessss!!!! :DDD

hello! i have a life,u know!

2010-08-10T15:15:00.002+08:00

Been reading people's status and updates..lookie lookie,macam nak kenekan aku jeks. Anyway,i dont wish to be bothered,having my stupid mood swings and achy cramps so u dont really want to mess with me right now. And im not all talk. If i could punch bf right in the jaw without him expecting it,i could do it to u. I know i didnt punch that hard. U dont have to say that,bf. hahaha! So yeah,moral of the story is,dont ever challenge me. Once i act on impulse thats it. I've been raised to hate guys. Im being honest here,i've been raised to be better than guys. To prove my worth as a human being. My life is full of competition,wherever i go,i have to be the best. I have to be the first. Being second means that u're a loser. All my life,i have no one to count on. Nobody would actually give 24 hours of their life to me. Bf's different. Nobody bothered to give me the attention that i want.

All that my parents ever gave was materialistic stuff,but that never did make up for the time i've lost,damn it! Other kids grew up seeing love and i grew up trying to be the best. Because being the best means,everyone will love u,everyone will care for u. Everyone loves the winner whereas im just a loser. My heart is soft,it yearns for tender loving care. U would never know what i've went through. When i look at bf's grandparents,how i wish they're mine. My grandparents arent like his at all. My grandmother could never sit down and joke around with me or my atok..whenever i see her,negativity just sets in.

I dont get it,what the hell did i do to deserve this. In my family,u cant be dumb. U have to always excel or be looked down upon. My family,but then again..are we family? I try my best not to stain your fucking name and yet this is how u treat me. Well,i've already stain your fucking name. I've done it. And im gonna get married. And im gonna live happily ever after right after i squeeze your guts dry. Before my marriage,im gonna get as much money as i could from u,mother. And dad's. Its just to make up for the time that u've wasted. I'd make sure,i wont be like u.

I'd make sure,i give my kids the attention that they need. Yet teach them to be independant. I'd be a better mom than u'd ever did. Atleast i wont busy myself with work everyday and not even care about my own kid's birthday. And,just so u know..your heart is hard and therefore its hard for u to fall in love,like i said my heart is soft.

Im brave to shut my guard down and gave Bf a chance. Not really a matter of convenience. If u think that im brave and all that,u're wrong really. Im scared all the time. Bf knows that im scared of losing him. I do feel that fear. Its not like i could never find another but he's one of a kind. When im with him,im me. Im not shy when im with him. I could laugh as loud as i can and not caring really about what he thinks. When im with him,i just cant help but laugh all the time for he makes me feel so happy.

Till it really feels like paradise. He annoys me with his stupid faces yet in the end i just cant help but laugh. I love him so much and i could prove it. I try so hard not to be clingy cause i know guys hate that. I try so hard to keep my distance because i dont want him to feel suffocated. I try so hard not to let him think that i mind about him having other girls but i just cant help but wanting to cry every now and then. I try my best to make him happy all the time. If its not love,then what is it?

He says he wishes to marry me. And wants to introduce me to his family,no other guy would want to do that for him but my dear Bf. He's special. He's so confident being himself,and that confidence gave me the chance to shine. He says i look like agnes monica and that im "beautiful" even when i know im not. He notices little stuff that i do and compliment me all the time. He spent more than 24 hours with me within a week. Before we met,he used to call me everyday without fail..numerous times. He shows me his love. He tells me his love. Till it really feels like its real. My friends wont believe it,neither did mother. But i believe that he's mine and only mine.

And im gonna be with him,till destiny forbades it. Only God can stop us now. Im not naive but merely taking a chance. And i know that its worth it. U wouldnt know it because hello! u didnt go throught it..duhs! I know everyone will be like,"there'll be a moment where i'll say i told u so,yana..just wait and see." Well happy waiting cause that day isnt gonna happen. blueks!

I LOVE DANI!

2010-08-06T19:34:00.002+08:00

Woots! Miss me? Well lots have happened..Nurul still missing i suppose? And i've fell in love with my bf,i know,weird! Dulu aku mati2 kate,i love Nury so much till death do us part and now aku ish love bf lot lot! Stuck with him like super glue siuul! Sekarang kat his house..gerek ke pers! lols! Yeah he gives me lots of attention and i do mean alot! Till it feels bliss! But now i know why Ernie malas nak layan Hadi 24/7,its tiring siuul! hahaha! But aku love spending time with him. I feel restless when i dont meet him yesterday,serious! It feels like mak kau! Slow nye mase berjalan! Grrrr! Oh wells! Its weird how a guy like him would be a part of me that fast. Its easy to be me when im with him,something which rarely happens to me. Im super comfortable with him unlike with Nury i must say. With him,i could easily be hyper and crazy and simply loud! Unlike when im with Ernie,aku quiet nak mampus.

Oh and bf is kecoh gilers! hahaha! The one thing that i love about him is he talks alot. And i do mean alot! With him,there's not a moment of silence. He makes me laugh that easily. Thats one reason why im harbouring the fear that he has other women. And it turns out that i was right,eventhough he says they just have the status and not him but it really affects me pretty badly. I felt jealous! If i were to see them near him,even a metre away,i will burn their fucking hair! Dani's right,the only dirty thing that i could ever do is murder,but i'll make sure they suffer a fate worse than death. The body and face that they're proud of will be the very thing that they'll be despised by. Baru padan muke dorang! Nabeh cibai! Kirekan dah tak ader jantan lain pe? Aku tak paham uh! Aku tahu uh,i have the greatest guys in the whole wide world tapi tak perlu nak rampas laki aku pe. Aku fed up sial!

Like i would always say even if he were to beat me to death,i'd still love him but i cant tolerate it if there is another woman involved! No other woman would like to share their man with another! Aku benci sial! Anyway,dah malas nak type lah sayang! grrr! Note to self,change blog url soon so that bf cant read it no more..wakakaka!

30 random things about me. :D

2010-07-30T15:45:00.003+08:00

I dont know,it sounds fun and totally random,okay here it goes!

I dont know how to ride a two-wheeler..dont laugh! lols!
Im terrified of roller coasters,been on once and thats it!
I cant consume milk or else,i'll barf..
Im not able to even step in into a wet market because of the horrible stench..eeuw!
I hate handwashing clothes,so i threw everything in the washer not caring of what colour..nyahaha!
I write songs when im angry,its like therapy for me..
Sugar rush makes me looney and hyper..u have no idea how hyper.
Im unable to see ghosts except for black figures..
I still love my ex..grrr!
Im manipulative.
I dont like talking about my dad.
U'll never see me wear loud colours except for white..lols!
Im super talkative with people im comfortable with.
I dont really know much about makeup yet pretend that i do..wakaka!
I usually scrimp and save only to spend it all the next day..hahaha!
I dont like the one i love giving me money after i've done something with him..ehem!
Love Tokio Hotel to the core! (:
Dreams of Katy Perry being my girlfriend..lols! shhhh!
Im not afraid of riding bikes,just afraid of colliding with the gravel ground..ouch!
I could cry easily,get angry easily,get irritated easily,fall in and out love easily. (:
Im like a cat all the time,i'll purr if u stroke me the right way..lols! no kidding..
Im unable to finish a big Mac..no kidding! grrrr!!!
Me want to keep a doggy when i've got my own home! (: Like as if i care about what u think.
I know nothing about technical stuff,or cars,or soccer..lols!
I cant play any musical instruments..
I tend to go berserk over large amounts of money,who wouldnt?
Im a taker but also a giver..hehhs!
U wont like it when im mad..
I dont give second chances that easily.
I tend to judge people easily,and got it right..

Dear N,

2010-07-29T17:31:00.003+08:00

Nury texted me early in the morning,like about 12 plus. When i saw his "hmm..",i already knew. Ni confirm nak tanyer pasal aku nye blog,this this that that. And it turns out,i was right after all. nyahaha! I guess cause i know him so well. Maybe lah kan. Anyway,bukannye aku sengaje,just that Nurul kept talking about her,till aku geram. lols! Sampai i have the urge to just lepas steam..i really dont like to talk about her. Buat hati aku saket jeks. Dia budak teck whye kek,budak siao kek,main timer kek..gue tak mahu masuk campur. Tak ader maknenye. Nanti aku nye bp lak naik,carik penyakit jek cakap pasal si dek tu. Grrr! Lols! Anyway,im not so sure lah whether dia tinggal Cck central,blk 228..kalau betol,dah okay. Aku leh carik dia,kalau tak..buat malu jeks..! hahaha! If i were Nury kan,dah jelas pe sape aku akan pilih. I think im gonna give u two more months,kan dah nak hari raye kan..till then u tak bilang dia,i akan lepas raye nanti..i tahulah ape nak buat..hehehe! I bukan macam Nurul. Lemah lembut,sopan santun,takut kat u. I tak takut pun dengan u,i pun tak takut dengan si dek tu. Ah ye lahs,si PEN-DEK tu..(;

I bukan nak jage tepi kain orang,tetapi i tak suke sikap u yang tak adil ni. I tahu tau bagaimana saketnya hati ini kerana kene kongsi kasih sayang. U tahu ke? Kalau u tahu,u dah lamer end all this nonsense tau. I guess u've never been through this. Ape kurangnye Nurul? Kay,u baru kenal dia..so? Atleast u dengan dia tak pernah gaduh over the silliest things ever kan? I tak paham uh dengan u. Jawapan kat depan mate tapi u buat dek. Nurul,dengan rela hati menerima u walaupun ape yang terjadi,abeh u buat ape? Masih continue with ur whateverness. Sure its never easy when the matters of the heart are involved. But u should always pick the ones whom loves u the most. Whom would give u all the happiness that she could. And i think Nurul fits the whole criteria. Cume u jek tak sedar. I dah malas tau,and kecewe,seeing u still the same. Still so indecisive. Rase macam nak suler u tau. Seriously! Aku ish fed up with u. U suke sangat with the bloody drama ke? Even if u were to love the whole fucky drama,jangan involve kawan i boleh tak? I tak suke. I have no enemity towards my fwen's bf especially towards u,all i ever ask of u is to give her the happiness,the fairness,jangan macam gini lahs.

Eventhough she might not say anything but i tahu ape yang dia rase. Once upon a time,i was in her position. Loving someone so faithfully walaupun dia ader pompan lain. Tapi i tak kuat,tak tabah macam Nurul. I slalu complain kat u. I slalu sangke buruk tentang u. I slalu saketkan hati u. Sebab ape? Sebab i mati2 fikir yang u spend more time with them than me. I find it unfair for me. All i ever thought was,i loved u more than them,yet they get to spend more time with u? That simply enrages me. Which im sure u'd know. What im trying to say is,dont just leave it to fate,because if u dont put some effort in,nothing will be achieved. And all thats left would be broken hearts. I emphatise with Nurul. Because i'd know how it feels. And all i want to say is,stop playing games. Clear your head and make a decision. Forget the stupid excuses of why u're holding on to si dek tu. Make a choice that soon u wont ever regret. Its your choice today,but once u repent it,its a man's regret tomorrow. I'd know.

Pergi Mampus.

2010-07-28T22:29:00.002+08:00

Everyone who knows me might know,aku paling tak suke cakap pasal acah. Paling aku benci sekali..! Each time aku cakap pasal dia,confirm aku rase macam nak pengs gitu. Seriously! U can ask Nury,each time aku cakap pasal dia walaupun secare tak sengaje,mood aku went down siuul! Aku malas uh,nak amek kesah pasal Acah. Tak kuase aku! Kubur dia,dia tanggung pe. Grrr! Aku tak suke uh,especially biler Nury kate dia lagi lawa dari aku..aku terus,darah dah naik sey. lols! Biler darah dah naik,itulah masenye aku hang dia. lols! Bukan gaduh lahs,atau bertengkar. Stakat "bercakap" uh. Just that,biler aku tgh "hot" kan,aku suke cakap bende negatif dengan dia sampai dia betol2 amek hati with what i've just said. hahaha! I know tak baik kan. Peduli ape aku. hahahaha! Sial ajeks! nyahaha!

Aku ish bored and feeling fuckish! Yesh,dia dah datang! The flu bug! Nabehs! hahaha! At first was just sneezing in the morning for the few days,then tak tahu nape hari ini,macam siak ajeks. Terus temperature naik,kepale pun macam pusing2 sampai im like okay lets just take a nap. It was a great nap tapi entah knape tengkuk saket sak..! lols! But u know sekarang blocked nose lahs..grrr! Aku ish missing Nury! Grrr! Sial uh kau Yana..! Dah ader bf pun masih rindu kan si MA-LA-ON tu. Sighs! Aku mahu jumpe dia. Uhh! Sial! Two-timing is so beneath me,how could i even have that thought,nabehs! Sial nye pompan! Dah lamer hidup ke! haiz..! But honestly aku tak sampai hati uh nak lukekan hati Dani. Seriously! Cheese berdebar,the more i think about kepale aku pun pusing,lebih aek..kau tahu ape tak? T-I-D-U-R! lols! Maleh aku nak pikir tentang ni sume. Tak kuase sak aku. lols! Laenlah kalau pasal Nury..nyahaha! Ish! Memang nak kene maki lagi lah Yana ni! Grrr! Tak sedar diri! Cermin diri dulu lah! Grrr! Haiz..i think im the only one yang siao mengate diri sendiri. Nyahhaa! Oh wells..

i did nothing.

2010-07-27T23:01:00.007+08:00

i actually spend like a few hours to do that stupid cubix. Aku nye otak betol-betol dah nak pecah siuul! lols! But at last,i did it! nyahaha!

Wanted to try the blue one next and then,otak terus jam. hahaha! Cheese berdebar! Managed to see a sunset,well sort off..the buildings were blocking..! Grrr! lols!

Should have took a few more but it looks so fugly..! Eeeeuwww! lols! Ouhs,presenting my kitty,Shitong..the top cat model! lols! Kalah Miss J,u know!

Lols! Alalalala! I love him so much! lols! He saw me holding the camera,terus get ready to pose. Seriously. And when i didnt take any,he terus fed up and moved away. hahaa! He is a super diva. Makan cerewet. He and Kenny. lols! But love them both! (:

This is what u get when u let them scratch your furniture..lols! They used to be so active. Nowadays,eat..sleep..go litterbox..thats it. lols!

Been alive 18 years
But cried a million tears
My mama told me Yana you too young to deal with this
She says your just a kid
I tell her yes I know
I think it's bout time that I let him go.

haiz! Mistake after one mistake! Grrr! Oh,the other day,me and Dani had a debate,which left me with question marks. He asks such ridiculous questions. Like what if Adam was still alive,how old would he be? lols! Maner lah aku tahu! lols! And then he asks me,what the real reason why humans were created? Who invented sex? Since Adam and Eve were exiled,was it their punishment to be parents of like 24 pairs of twins? I totally went blank! lols! Well what i feel is that,its Satan who kinda created sex. lols! U see,its suppose to be a sin to have sex,especially if he's not your family,true? So its highly unlikely that its a "gift" from God. In my opinion,it isnt strange to know of the hatred Satan has of our kind. Eversince the day Adam was created,he hated the fact that he has to kneel before him. To him,Adam is inferior.

And so,he might have thought it isnt enough to get them exiled. U see,Satans are greedy. What he wants till Judgement Day is to get as much Adam's descendants in hell with him. God knows of his plans and therefore,picked 25 men who is capable of stopping Satan's initial plan. By spreading Islam to wherever they can. To be honest,other religions were created because of Satan. Well i believe that. If u wish to notice,there's not much difference in Christianity or even Jewish whatever. What i think,people think Moses is "the Lord" because he's able to divide the sea,is it not? And Jesus is "the Lord" because he's considered son of God as his mother is still a virgin. Is it not? Our common goal is to spread Islam views to the world. To ask as many people as we can to join us. And not forcing them to join us,or for the wrong reasons.

And most definately,it is a huge sin to kill people even if he/she isnt of our own religion. U see,thats what Satan wants! To filthy your hands. To make u join his side. To make u feel that u know what,life is to enjoy forever. Forget your responsibilities. Forget that u're gonna die someday. Forget about hell and heaven. But the truth is,u have not much time left. Its not about 2012. Even if the world would end when the eclipse were to happen at November,do u think u're ready? Do u think u're ready to see back everything that has happen in your life? Do u think u have enough deeds to cross the bridge to Heaven?

Do u think your eyes are pure enough to face God Himself? How would u explain to Him for the sins that u've done? What we have in this world,arent of ours. He could take it back whenever He wants it. Why am i saying this? I dont know why? Im thinking of my death. Like every second of my life. I wonder how the hell is death gonna come and take me away. Will it be painful? Sempat tak untuk aku mengucapkan selamat tinggal to those whom i love? Sucikah hati ini untuk Nya menerima? Mungkinkah Bumi menerima orang yang seperti ku? Seriously,the more i learn about alam bazarkh,about akhirat,aku dah takut giler nye takut. Seriously! When u're underground,u'll be tortured like hell if u're filthy. An hour feels like a day. Your guts will be forcefully torn out. U'll feel that someone is pulling u at both ends. It gets worse after your soul reaches God's Abode. Till u feel that Earth is a whole lot better even if u think ur life was horrible like shit. Seriously,no kidding!

If u think now is a whole lot worse,u have no idea how scary,how traumatic afterlife will be. I've wasted 18 years of my life doing sins,im still trying to repent,eventhough..i cant deny bad habits die hard. My heart still has darkness creeping around. I dont deny there are times i have such impure thoughts. Im human,but u know each time u have the urge to do something bad,istifar lah banyak. Ingat Tuhan selalu. Always picture ur mum in ur head. Ask yourself whether she'll be disappointed or not. If yes,dont do it! Haizzz...being human is a whole lot harder than being an animal. Atleast they have no religion,or so i think? lols!

no comment!

2010-07-27T13:25:00.002+08:00

I wonder whether u're just desperate or you're blind. Seriously,there's this guy who simply cant take no for an answer even till i've said im already attached. Yeah sure,being just friends is totally fine with me but if u were to act all creepy with me,im seriously appalled! I feel like i should just delete u from my life and change my number or something. Seriously! Okay whatever,its a waste of time to think of it now. Anyway,going out with Dani today,maybe. Oh wells. Aku macam malas uh! Really,liat nye nak keluar rumah!!! Grrr! Oh and Dani is a taurus. When i got to know kan,aku terfikir dengan Ernie nye relationship. Aku phobia siuul! What if Dani is like Fad then what? Tak pe,if he berani nak pukul me,i'll kick his groin or crotch or whatever. lols! And btw,he's beginning to control me. Aku tak suke! Had a bf who tried to control me,and aku maki dia cukup2. lols! I just hate being shackled. I dont interfere in ur life,u dont interfere in mine. If u're my husband,itu dah lain cerite. Ini u bukan tau.

Honestly,my husband dalam dunia ini Md Nury Humaidy seorang. I cume anggap u macam dia. For now. Haiz! Well,aku dengan dia jual mahal giler sey. He kept asking to meet and im like ahhh! busy uh..hahaha! Even when he nak call me kan,malas sey nak angkat. Even when he msn dengan me,malas nye nak layan. Seriously! Oh wells. Yeah,aku kene belanje Yan swensens since aku lost that bet. cheese berdebar! Oh wells! Yana must be happy go lucky! Fyi,its never easy to rattle me. I've learnt to be patient. Through music. lols! Its never easy to perfect it,but atleast im trying. Blueks!

2010-07-26T13:57:00.002+08:00

i love being friends who's older than me. The hardest part about it is,they dont understand me,nor do i understand them. And so we clash,pretty much easily. It just takes one fucky word to stop us from being friends..thats how darn fragile it is. My life is made of glass,one small mistake and its the end. :( Thats just one of the reasons why i have super high expectations of myself.

Oh and btw,whoever u are who's trying to piss me off. Dont bother. Its not working. U try that trick on me,3 years ago and i might actually fall for it but nopes,not this time around. I have so much stuff to do and simply have no time to entertain ur foolishness. I can see how limited ur vocabulary are. I wonder if u're that ridiculous Annie at my friend's taggie. If u are,wow! U must be some 9 year old who simply doesnt know manners. Because if u're older like me,u'd know how to be mature. (:
But sadly,u dont. That is so pathetic on your part. Let me tell u what,if u wish to piss me off,try harder than that. Seriously,if i was a teacher,i'd give u an E for effort. Sighs! Expand your vocabulary abit. Stupid slut,how basic is that. Even my 5 year old cousin would know whats that. U're so funny. Im not pissed but amused. To see someone who doesnt seem to get a clue of who're they're dealing with. And i dont blame u. Fyi,im matured enough to not stoop to your level. Whoever u are,please grow up. Or atleast expand ur damn vocab,dont use common words. That totally doesnt impress me at all. I know u may seem im weird,but im so used to people calling me slut till im practically bored with that particular term.
And i dont do boredom. Either get my attention or get off my page. Simple. (:

oh my Gucci!

2010-07-25T17:34:00.002+08:00

Aiseybedah,ader satu mamat mintak stead dengan aku. Its like God is setting me up with numerous guys. Aku tak mahu! Seriously,Yana cume nak dengan Nury seorang jeks. Haiz! Tapi Yana tak boleh,sebab Nury bukan milik Yana. Dan Yana tak boleh mengkhinati kawan Yana sendiri. Itu yang buat Yana keliru. Nurul cube memberi perangsang kat Yana tapi Yana tak boleh. Yana dah berjanji,walaupun macam maner,Yana tak akan ader hubungan ape2 dengan teman lelaki kawan,walaupun lelaki itu pernah jadi teman lelaki Yana. Yana buntuh sekarang,betol-betol bingung dengan keadaan yang Tuhan memberi Yana. Urgh! How?

Not expected.

2010-07-25T16:13:00.004+08:00

Who's that superman. Hahaha! I like! I wonder where he came from. Im okay with it. Because what goes around comes around. Yana cume boleh bersabar dan istifar banyak-banyak. (: Yeah sure,if dulu kan,biler Yana masih mentah,tak matang,yeah! Yana will be marah-marah lahs. Tapi sekarang,Yana dah tak macam gitu. Yana tak ader hak untuk menutup mulut orang lain. Yana cume boleh bersabar dan berdoa,moga hati dia terbuka. Dan u know,kalau Yana ader buat silap ke pe,Yana minta maaf. Bukannye Yana takut,cume Yana rasekan,tak elok kite bersifat dengki terhadap orang lain. Tak baik kita mengikut nafsu setan dan berkate begitu-begini kerana mungkin tak der keje,jadi cube nak saketkan hati orang. Yana tak kesah dengan ini semua. Sebab Yana dah tak macam dulu lagi. Yana dah lebih fokus dan sabar.

Ape orang nak kate tentang Yana,biarkan. Yana tak nak kate banyak sebab diorang yang buat dosa bukan Yana. Kalau Yana join sekaki,Yana jugak yang berdosa. Yana tak nak macam gitu. Walaupun Yana masih muda kan,tapi Yana selalu fikir tentang mati. Yana selalu fikir yang orang yang buat jahat kepade kite,tak akan selamat,walaupun di duniawi atau akhirat. Tuhan mungkin tak akan kasik azab sekarang,tapi dalam masa hadapan,Dia akan,kalau orang itu tak insaf. Yana bukan nak step maner alim,Yana pun tak sempurna,Yana jugak pernah membuat kesilapan,Yana jugak pernah cuba nak menyakiti orang,tapi Yana sedar.

Ibu selalu kata kalau orang masih tak berbaik dengan kite walaupun kite dah cube sedaye upaye kite untuk memulihkan keadaan,lebih berfaedah kalau kite buat bodoh lahs. Nanti last2,dia penat,dia akan berenti. If tak,den dosa pahale,dia yang tanggung. Memang ader banyak orang yang macam dia. Even Yana pun adakala macam gitu,tapi Yana istifar,ingat Tuhan,agar hati Yana akan selalu terang,agar Yana tak ader perasaan negatif terhadap orang lain. (:

Sebab tak masuk akal uh. Macam gitu nye orang pun ader,Yana ader rase simpati uh dengan dia. To be honest,if u dont understand malay,all i have to say is,i symphatise on your poor behaviour towards strangers. If this is how u treat those whom u dont know then i wonder how the hell do u even treat your friends. Or even your own mother. I really have nothing else to say but i hope God would guide u to the right path and may u not waver from the path of righteousness. (:

!! bIngIt u knOw !!

2010-07-23T14:38:00.002+08:00

Eh,Yana tak puas hati sey. Ader ke patut dia kate ini kate itu abeh last-last dia kate Yana minah? Tsk tsk. Yana paling pantang orang panggil Yana minah. Dia kater dia dah lamer sabar dengan Yana. Otak dia. Yana ader buat ape2 ke kat dia? Tak der pun kasik attitude dengan dia. Tak der pun mengate dia. Beh kate pasal Yana macam2. Biler mase Yana macam paham? Abeh kate nak sebarkan cite tentang Yana. And im like ah ye lahs. Entah cite ape. Confirm buat fitnah. Entah sape buat cite pasal Yana. Yana sombong,Yana kerek ke dengan dia? Maner ader?

Maner ader Yana action dengan dia. Kalau Yana ader confirm Yana tahu pe. Ape jeks. Dia anyhow kate,itu yang buat yana tak puas hati tu. Macam gitu nye laki pun ader. And then,pakai caps lock dengan aku. Cheese berdebar! Nak step mat rep itu semua. Eeee,menyampa! Gondoren betol. Lepas tu suroh Yana cerminkan diri Yana sendiri. Dia tu yang ader masalah. Otak biul. Otak sort,otak dah kene bakar sebab hisap rokok banyak sangat. Makan dadah banyak sangat itu pasal. Kalau ikutkan hati kan,memang aku nak campak dia masuk lokap. Atau gadak dia dengan pisau tumpul,biar puas hati Yana. Seriously,tak pernah seumur hidup Yana,Yana benci dengan kawan sendiri nye bf.

Seriously! Even dengan Fadhil tak de pun,aku benci sampai ke tahap ni. Serious. Once Yana dah benci,Yana akan benci orang tu sampai mati,sampai akhirat. Tiada maaf bagi dia. Nanti hari raye,Yana tak nak mintak maaf kat dia. Boleh pergi mampuz. Pergi jauh2 dari hidup Yana pun cukup bagus. Cheese berdebar. Mentang2 aku 18,dia step abang2 dengan aku konon. Ehle,dia tu separuh masak,separuh tiang. Escape dari IMH! Eeeee! Jahat2 Nury pun,Nury lagi bagus dari dia tau. Atleast Nury tak pernah tolak Yana sampai Yana jatuh. Tak pernah pukul Yana. Ehle. Humpft! Honestly,the reason why i tak nak keluar dengan Ernie tempoh hari kan,its because Yana tak mahu tengok muke bf dia. Atau dengar pasal bf dia. Seriously. Yana dah macam menyampa,dah meluat..seriously! Oh wells,its her life. She didnt masuk campur in mine when i was kinda with Nury so i shouldnt masuk campur in hers just like i didnt masuk campur when she was with Fadhil.

And,honestly,if eh..by any chance he is near me,Yana akan angkat kaki,balek rumah. Going out with Abang soon? Maybe next week. Entah. Me love his twins! lols! Tapi tak tahu yang maner Yana lebih sayang..lols! :)I envy Abang's happy marriage. Seriously! I will always pray may his marriage is saved from people's evil eyes. May they be happy and last for a lifetime. May their love,sampai ke pintu syurga. Cheeyyy! Sighs! No one knows who the hell i really am. Even u,Benji. Sighs!

Re-Cap-Ture. (:

2010-07-22T22:01:00.008+08:00

Went out with Nurul the other day. Eventhough we've met for the first time,but i cant deny,it felt like we've known each other for years. With her,i was never bored. There's never a minute of silence,cause ader ajek aku kate. Ape ape aje lahs. We've talked alot. From supernatural stuff,to gangs,to girl guides,to sing-a-longs,to footdrills. Even the way she peel the skin of the chicken fillet becomes a topic. lols! We talked,u know about she loves hello kitty. About her family and all. Nak katekan,she was completely open. But i must say,she the girliest girl,i've ever met. She reminds so much of a friend i once had. The same belohness,the same hyper,the same mannerisms. Aku is malas nak kate banyak,cause there's simply alot to type but well,enjoy the pictures! (:

At the Fountain Of Wealth. (:

Cantik kan? hahaha! x)

This was totally candid! Haha!

Our shoes,whose finger? lols!

Cheers to the new friendship. (;

Okay itu jeks,aku malas nak upload banyak lagi. hahaha! (:
Nurul was like why not satu hari nanti,me,her and Nury keluar sama2. Dalam hati im like,abeh me jadi lamp post. Haiz. I rather die than watch u asmaradana with him. Seriously,i rather u force open my ribs and stab me right in the heart. Its a whole lot better than see the one i love with someone else. Haiz. Oh wells. Overall,it was a splendid day! (;
Lepak again soon,of course yes! Excluded Nury of course,i know i wont be able to tolerate it. :(
Skali tak tentu pasal,aku melenting how? Sighs! :(

shouldnt have.

2010-07-19T11:46:00.002+08:00

What did u promise me,Yana? Kan kau dah berjanji tak nak masuk campur hal Ernie. Kan kau dah berjanji,abeh ape ni? Sighs! I dont know,i was just concerned. Abeh terus kene hang,cis berdebar. Ape,kau ingat kau badan besar,aku takut pe? Macam gitu nye lelaki pun ader sey. If u think asian men are the worst of the worst,think again lah eh. Org barat lagi jantan keparat. Kau tahu tak? The truth is,God shouldnt have made Humans. Because humans are no different than animals. Heck,even animals are a whole lot better than humans. Imagine that. We have a larger brain than them but they're a whole lot better. Tak malu ke? Atleast dorang have never discard their children. They care for them till its time for the youngs to survive on their own. Unless,the sea turtles lah,itu dah lain story tu.

I broke my promise of not trying to jage tepi kain orang lain. Just a bad childhood habit of mine. Bad habits die hard. Ok whatever,i am so bloody pissed. Till i feel like going far away from here. Mother was like why not follow Idrus to Yemen and in my heart,i was like yah! I want to,go as far away from here. Never to see anyone here anymore. And just start a new life there. But then,kene settle visa..itu ini. Itu yang perit tu. The bloody money,maner nak cekau. If my mum didnt spent my few thousands,semestinye aku dah ciao.

My mum knows of what im capable of,thats why when my grandmother gave me a few thousands,she only gave me $500,the rest she keep,buat blanje. Heart pain siuul. Because at that time,i kept threatening her that i will get out of that home and forever disappear from their lives if i have the money. I guess she knows that i'll be gone just like my father if she were to give me all that. I longed to get out of this family. Because its never a family to begin with. I was never grown in a loving environment. They were always never there,there were times,it felt like im an orphan. It would prolly make me feel a whole lot better if i have like 3 siblings but i only have one,it just makes me feel more like im the only one in this world and all my kin are dead. It really felt that way.

What does it matters to have lots of friends but none seem to be close at heart? Huh? I just dont get it. Its easy for me to make friends but its just the usual hi's and bye's. Its easy for me to know which one could be my true friend,and which couldnt actually be. If i feel that u couldnt be a true friend,i wouldnt be bothered to waste my time with u. Thats just who i am. When i meet someone,i tend to judge them by their heart. If ur heart is black or grey,i dont wish to waste my time on u. But if u heart is pure and white,all the more i feel that its worth it to be your friend. And that is why,all my friends are one of a kind. Especially the ones that is close to my heart eventhough maybe im not in theirs. But its okay,im honestly pretty much used to it. No offense.

Btw,if me tak reply your text..it just means,me malas nak reply. Me tak mahu reply. Me tengah in a super bad mood. Me mahu keluar with Nurul. Maybe go arcade. lols! Yan was suprised to know how close we kinda are. Despite whatever there is. lols! Like i said,if u have a pure and white heart,i will go all the way to make u a close friend of mine. X) As long as u dont cross my line,i wont cross yours. :) Simple expectations. Its not that i expect too much of people,seriously.

SoOoOoO.

2010-07-18T16:56:00.002+08:00

Can i just rant my heart out like i always do and not even care what the hell people is gonna say about me. Or think about me. Cause for sure they have no idea who i am. No one does. Those who just knows me thinks im irritating. Those who knows me for a while thinks im naive and gullible. Those who knows me for more than 10 years thinks im manipulative. Evil,mean..and all that blahs. I mean yeah sure everyone has their bad side,so do i. But its not like im like that 24/7,its just that when im super mad,i tend to do stuff that i would regret later in life. Thats just how im like. I act on impulse. I have never thought of the consequences whenever i did something. Unlike now,i kept thinking and thinking till i got scared. Till negativity is all ive got. It used to be so easy,to just do something based on impulse or whatever. Ive never really have to think about it but now,its hard. Everything that i do,i have to think about my mum. I have to preserve my mother's good name. I cant tarnish her name nor taint my family's name. I have a huge burden on my shoulder. I cant anyhow lash out someone or assault someone. Do u think its easy to be me? Its not.

All my life,i've never have to worry about anything. Money,clothing,whatever,i've never really got to worry about it. But now,its just different. Unknowingly i've took on responsibilities which i know im not ready to have. There were times,i wonder to myself what have i done wrong this time around? What huge sin have i done this time around? I tried so hard to please everyone,Ya Allah. Even to the extent that im willing to discard my pride for them. What more do they want for me? I've sacrificed alot for them,what more do they want? I know that this isnt the worst that U could ever give,its obvious that U too know that im not strong enough to overcome this hurdle. This so called rebound. I tried so hard to fake it,to forget him. Lies after lies i've told myself but in the end,its still him. I tried my best to make it work. But how could i make it work when U distanced K from me? I used to have bad intentions of using K,but not now. I want him to be like whom he used to be.

But i dont mind with his diva side. Now that he isnt fed ups with me,i kinda miss it. hahaha! I've always tried to please him because somehow with that one smile,he manages to make me feel light,make my heart seem to skip a beat. I dont know,maybe i've really fell in love with him. Maybe im just pretending. I dont know. Im so confused. For certain,my sub-conscious mind has erased my memories of Nury and me. So,the fiery rage of love has died down,all thats left of it are the embers. Whats left of our story,Nury? Well,all thats left is the end. No happy endings of whatsoever. But im happy,to know u. Without u,i wont get to know such a nice girl name Nurul. And made her one of my closest friends. Im comfortable with her. She makes it seems like she doesnt judge me,like she could understands me. Thank You for giving me happiness yet pain but most importantly thank You for being a friend of mine and getting me to know Nurul. X) Thank You.

Honestly,im okay with people who doesnt include me in their so called list eventhough they're in mine. Im definitely okay with it. It does hurts. But if thats how life is,then so be it. Go figure. I dont have time to be sad. Simply dont have time to be angry or whatever. And that is why i havent exact revenge yet. I just felt that its simply a waste of time. This little Yana has grown up,y'all. She knows of what is right and what is wrong. She has her reasons for doing the things that she does. Im not a stupid,naive,gullible teen. I was just trying to be positive. Like what u would always taught me. But each time i tried to,i'd get condemned. And when i think of something negatively,people would say,Yana kau ni tak abes2 pk yang bukan-bukan. Then u want me to do what? Huh? Either way,aku confirm kene kate. Beh nak ape? Why dont u tell me?
Siape yang makan lada,dialah yang rasa pedasnya lah eh. If u terase,do give me a tag..X)

Spooky!

2010-07-17T12:03:00.003+08:00

Anyway i love talking to Nurul about the supernatural stuff. Seriously,and she was like totally okay with it. Eventhough she says she could see it. And im like,No way! Omg siuul! That gift could be a well a gift or a curse. My sister's friends too could see them,and it was like whoa! Whenever i want to go toilet kan,she'll be like,u sure u want to go now? There's something sitting on it right now. And im like,why the hell do u have to tell me? lols! I mean i appreciate the thought but aku phobia sey pasal ini semua. Especially when its super dark. One of the reasons why i hate the dark is because,they tend to come out in the dark. Whether underneath my bed or just sitting beside me when im sleeping. I dont deny that every house has its own keeper. Especially when that house is vacant for such a long period of time.

Some i dont deny keeps such things in their house. Maybe even my dad. I dont know. After he macam dah hilang akal,i dont know him anymore. I dont spend that much time with him anymore. There were times he talks to himself. There were times i find myself to talk to myself when i was a kid. I cant remember why. When i try to think back,my head hurts. Like my sub-conscious is trying to say that,u should not ever remember what had happen. There were times,i feel someone's presence following me,watching my every move. I would always feel it on my left. There were times,it would make its presence felt. Like things starts to fall or i feel like someone is hugging me from behind. really! Its like its my protector. My guardian. It has never harm me.

But rather harm people who tried to harm me. Like maybe make them sick. Or cough so badly. Manipulate their feelings. Its easy for one to listen to the voices in one's head. True true true. Oh wells. He even follows me to the toilet. Although i can only see him for a few seconds then,pufft! Before i can take a good look at him,he disappears. I would always ask myself,is it my imagination or is he for real? I've never really said this to anyone. As long as he doesnt makes the one i love dead,im okay with it.

Whenever i try to cut myself,i could feel him trying to stop me. There were times,i wonder. Is he real? Grrr! As long as he is nice,i dont mind. X) Whenever i dream,i would always see 2 dark figures behind me. One i know is my soul,my heart,my conscience,dearest An. Another somehow was that nameless protector. The more i think about it,pening kepale aku. Whenever i see something,id would always make myself believe that its just a dream because its highly impossible for me to remember every bit of my dreams. Like i said,when u pretend long enough,u'll soon start believing in it. x)

Oh wells. Enough about that,aku is lapar! Malas nak text K. Especially with his whole drama of his MP3 player being jammed. Ok whatever. Aku is being pissed off not by K. Cheese! Yes,neraka dah siap book a place for me like what people has said. Menyampa. Idiot!

Today was fun.

2010-07-16T23:38:00.002+08:00

Met baby boy today. X) Eventhough it was short. I cant deny that throughout the whole "date",i feel like biting his head off. Seriously! But then he makes me laugh. Awww! Since i dont love him that much,it was easy for me not to cling on him. Its easy for me to just not expect anything from him. But yes,aku feel jealous whenever he talks about his ex. Seriously,why cant guys understand that girls doesnt like to know about what u did with ur ex. Dah cite lamer,asal nak ungkit balik? I dont even wanna know what she does to turn u on or whatever! Okay. I tak suke. I can tolerate anything but i cant tolerate it when somebody else is in his heart. I tried once and in the end i was in the losing end,he didnt get hurt but i did.

Baby boy asked me asal tak nak keluar with other guys since they ajak me to go dating with them and i was like,because im with u pe. When he heard that,he smiled the cutest smile i've ever seen. Awww! lols! But then u know he asked me yet again,and im like because im not interested. Just simply not interested and partly because of u. He too hates it when i tell him im blogging. hahaha! But i die die wont ever give my link to him. Nanti abes tak boleh mengumpat. His temper boleh tahan,u know! Especially with the muscles,uh kau! Sekali dia lempang kau,mampuz siuul! He doesnt like to associate himself with the so called,gangs..but one of his good friend is like a chong of one gang,and im like omg!

He meets all kind of people at the place where he used to work. He dulu kan fitness trainer. But somehow he quits that job and went into freelancing. Oh wells! I feel so jealous,he meets beautiful girls every day..and his friend list is full of women who is way beautiful than me. And im like grrr! And he still contacts his ex..eventhough she's attached! Uweeeeekkkkkk!!!! Sedihnye! But i hid all the negativity because he hates it when i get all negative. Or fikir yang bukan-bukan. Or when im irritating. hahaha! Im slowly getting to know his likes and dislikes. And totally,im trying to be his ideal girl. X)

And that is why,the less he knows about me,the better. Or rather i think its true..hmmm..! X) I wonder wonder wonder..

Lets Lepak Lahs!

2010-07-15T17:55:00.002+08:00

Aku is fed up with Yan. Ye lahs,dah lamer tak meet him. Idiot basket dia. hahaha! And going to go out with Nurul soon. X) Yes,kitorg dah jadi friends. X) And i dont harm my friends. Even if they were to hurt me or ape. I will only harm my enemies and those whom i hate. Im not evil to everyone. Especially not to friends. And aku is mendak giler. Tak mahu cakap pasal K,buat darah aku mendidih jek. hahahaha! Oh wells..aku is bosan. Wish to talk about everything but malas. Super malas! Grrrr! I miss him..sighs!

Baby Kush!

2010-07-14T22:45:00.003+08:00

Well u know,he ajak to me to torn with him. lols! Of course i was like when? Excited yes,but what i hate the most is,we plan to meet,but last-last cancel. Sedih kan. Oh wells,im defying gravity once more and try to be too attached to him. I have a feeling he wont cheat on me. I have a feeling that we will make it through. Eventhough at times,yes he irritates me alot. And i do mean alot. He gets on my nerves till i just cant help but wanting to bite his head off. Grrr! lols! I just hate it when he's asking me to choose when he obviously had chosen a choice all along. Its just so fed ups. Macam,buat pe nak ask me to choose if u already had picked something. Grrr! lols!
Oh wells. Honestly,i dont like having skeletons in my closet. Thats just how i am.

I dont know K says his nick is Roy..lols! Dalam hati,Kieran sounds more cute u know! lols! And he says he's good friends with Elvin Ng. Gasp! I love him so badly,u know! Eversince i saw him act as Liang Yi. I actually cried when that character died. lols! And K actually made fun of Taufik..tak baik! He's my idol,u know! lols! K keeps eating and sleeping..u know what baby,slowly ur sexy abs is turning into fats tau. lols! He was once a fitness trainer. And he ajak me to train with him. Ya Allah!
Aku rela mati siuul! Confirm dia super strict dengan aku if we train together. Tiada maaf bagi me for sure. lols!

He's such a great guy. Eventhough yes,i dont deny,he does gets on my nerves. Well im beginning to see how he's like. And trying to learn from the mistakes that i once did. I really dont wish to lose him. Aku is tired. Talking to him. Grrrr! Adakala bingit,adakala suka. Adakala rasa macam nak pancung kepale dia buat bola..grrr! nyahaha! Okay,im sorry! That was mean. hehhs. Nobody's perfect pe!

Im sorry.

2010-07-13T23:16:00.002+08:00

Im sorry,i tried to forget him. But i just couldnt. Im sorry,i tried to stop loving him. But i just couldnt. I tried with all my heart and yet i've failed. All i ever wanted was him to be happy. I really thought it'd be fine once im gone. I really thought i'd be alright. But it isnt. I've sacrificed my happiness for him. Without expecting anything in return. Im a bad person. Instead of feeling happy that he is,im not. I felt bad,jealous,upset. Im not a good person,Nury. Im not. I really tried all i could. I really did. I swear. I tried loving some other guy and move on. I really did try to. I had to pretend. Honestly,if u were to pretend long enough,u'll soon believe in it,no? Sighs! There were times,i wonder why do we have to meet when separation is something we have to go through? I really thought once im out of the picture,u'll have one less person to be stressful about.

I dont mind being the one upset and stressed out. But not u. I really dont wish to know that u've been crying. I dont even want to see any tears flow right down your cheeks. It hurts to know that. I'd rather u give me all ur pain. And i'll give u all my joys in return. Ernie once said,its better to let go. I pretended that i've let go. I've distanced myself from u. I nearly did it. I found a great guy. My life is nearly perfect. It'll be way perfect if things actually works out well. Sighs! I know u'll be upset once u've read this. I didnt mean to make u upset. I've closed an eye each time u tried to lie. It isnt about the he said she said bullshit. Its about who's telling the truth and who's not. U're indecisive. Sighs! Well,i hope u're happy without me around. Im sure u are. Im just an annoying person to u anyway.

Even K is beginning to think that im irritating. Cheese! U know one thing that i love about K is his frankness. How i wish i could tell everyone about my dear K. Oh what the heck,bukannye dia tahu blog aku. blueks! lols! Well,his name is Kieran. I know,like a girl's name. I was like Huh?! lols! Even my friends says that Nury is a girl's name. No offense. Anyway,he's older than Nury. I think shorter than Nury. Muscular. He looks cute in specs. Hot and cute. Dashing,charming. See yan,i've found a hindustani kind of guy who will watch bollywood movies and eat thosai with me everyday. lols! Like the one u've once said. hahaha! What else? He's super direct and honest. He'll tell u what he likes,what he doesnt likes. Doesnt even care what the hell im feeling. And that is why we would always have a miscommunication. I guess cause Aries and Gemini is a bad pair. They say these 2 signs will often bicker. Which is correct really.

But well no matter how tough it gets,i'll persevere through. Unless he tells me,he has someone else in mind but he loves me. Then i will make way for her. Thats just how i am really. I dont mind sacrificing for the one i love. Of course there are times i just cant help but cursing myself for being so stupid. But thats just how humans are. Anyway,i didnt get to meet him today. Sedih kan. Oh wells. Tomorrow is a new day,and it'll be a whole lot better than today or yesterday. hahaha! Macam paham lah yana!

Somehow i still miss you.

2010-07-13T14:10:00.003+08:00

Dear Nury,

Ku cuba tanpamu disisi
Ku cuba tanpa hidup denganmu
Meskipun ku tak mampu lupakan mu, kasihku.
Ku cuba tanpamu dihati
Ku cuba berhenti merindukan mu
Ternyata tiada pengganti dirimu, selamanya.

I text him recently and he was like go dating lah u. Sighs! But well im happy with him. Sort of. hahaha! Its fine when he's alright. But it isnt fine when im getting all emotional and pissed. Because unlike Nury,he would snap at me back. And that just made me a whole lot more pissed. How i wish im Acah. I seriously wish i am. If only i could change places,i would. I dont think i have a nasty temper. I've been holding it in unlike in the past. If u think that im a monster right now,imagine if i actually tried to be one. I dont know why,i somehow made a bet with Yan to be with K for a year and see where we could go from here. But i know even if i didnt make a bet,i could make it with K. Im defying my stars yet again. The stars says that Gemini and Aries are a bad pair because of the constant bickering,well im gonna prove u wrong. Blueks!

I hate being challenged. All my life,its always about being the best of the best. It hurts to even get 2nd. Its a childhood habit. Of wanting to be better than everyone else. Sighs! The story of my life. Pfft! Its as half bad as those chinese kids who are constantly pressurised by their parents. Lets just say,mother doesnt like us being stupid just cause we're malays. But mother stops her crazy tuition routine when she is cash strapped,which is good. No more stress,and soon became like a normal malay after school,hari-hari lepak. Its not that im ashamed to be a malay,bahasanya indah. Cuma,orang melayu kita sahaja,entah kenapa..macam apa sahaja..pfft!

Oh wells,anyway..aku issh bosan giler nye bosan! pfft! Maybe meeting K later..itu lagi,sumbat tumit kat lobang hidung dia pun cantik. nyahaha! Nasib baek dia tak tahu blog aku. nyahaha! Kan best cam ni..hahaha! Tak stress,nak mengumpat pun senang. Kalau tak,kene pikir tu,kene pikir ni..tension uh! grrr! Boooooo---saaaaaaaan taaaaaa---uuuuuu!

Must be a dream.

2010-07-10T21:27:00.002+08:00

I hope this is all a dream. Banyak nye lelaki nak kenal-kenal with me. Dalam hati macam,kau ni desperate sangat ke potek ke ape? Or do i look like a whore to u? lols! Its not that im downgrading myself but its just weird. Honestly,i've never had this kind of attention from guys ever. So what is it exactly? Seriously? If this is a joke,its not funny. Really..! Sighs! Aku is pening. Seriously,eventhough i could just go out with lots of guys since me and K havent yet official but i feel that its an unfaithful act. So yeah,i decide to stick with K. :) Eventhough he sungguh! Irritating u know! Cheese berdebar. Oh wells,atleast he doesnt know of my blog. hahaha! Blueks!

Love.

2010-07-10T16:23:00.002+08:00

What is love? Does love happens when two individuals decides to spend the rest of their lives together? Does love means building a fine tribute like Taj Mahal and make it her tomb? Does love means dying for your naive love? What is love? Does it really happens when u saw someone? Or does it happens when u realise that u're happy with someone,whom u're close to. But he just treats u just like a friend. I mean what is your definition of love? Does love means being together despite not getting your parent's blessings? Does love means being there for each other no matter what kind of hurdles that God throws in for them? Does love means caring for him when he's sick? What is love?

People thought im naive and foolish to love someone who's clearly using me. I dont blame them. Because they could never understand the love that i feel in my heart. Im still nursing a broken heart. But i know K will be my best friend,guiding me to the right path eventhough maybe we'll not end up together. But atleast im happy that i've had someone as great as my dear K. Just that,i dont know why..he kinda got affected by my PMS. lols! I was pretty much easily upset and then it was my turn. Strangely i didnt even try to argue and make him all fed up. Usually i will. hahaha! But i didnt. I hate it when my Aunt Flow comes to visit. Its so grrr!

Anyway,just take it that its the hormones. I guess thats the reason why im talking nonsense. Sighs! -shrugs- I miss baby boy now. But he,cheese berdebar nye orang. Rase macam nak jitak jek kepale botak dia tu. lols! Biar benjol sekali. The best thing is,he doesnt know the link of my blog. heeehee. Ishh yana,tak abes abes mengumpat eh. Buat dosa kering jek. hahaha! Muacks!

Whats going on?

2010-07-09T12:01:00.003+08:00

Have someone been impersonating me? If not then why the sudden friend requests. Weird nye. I get like more than 5 friend requests in 3 days now. Weird kan. And they say this this that that. Trying to charm me. Sorry i dont buy it lah eh. Eversince i found Mr K,dah malas nak layan everyone else..especially if u're a guy. Seriously. Like i just couldnt be bothered. I like him very much. But of course it isnt love just yet. But if u pretend long enough,u'll soon believe in it. Maybe i am in rebound. But thats just how it is. Im not technically using him. I do like him. His happiness does matters to me. I would always want him to be happy. But honestly,i wonder. I have lots of uncertainties in my head. Especially when he's way beautiful than me. Especially when he is built. He's like a body builder siuul. lols! There were times i wonder,does he really like me. Or is he just saying it. I do want to give him all my time and attention. But at the same time,im scared to be too attached. Im lost. I have no idea how i should go from here.

Im trying to distant myself from him. Eventhough i dont want to. Maybe i should play hard to get. Dont u think so? Yeah..ishould. U can do this. Jodoh,ajal,maut semuanya di dalam tangan Tuhan. If its not meant to be,i wont be hurt by it. Cause i wont be too attached. Yeah..gosh! I hate dating. Hate the fucky uncertainties. Hate hate hate it! Fuck larh! grrrrrrr..! Im so hopping mad right now. pfft.

I love you

2010-07-08T18:25:00.002+08:00

Somehow im dating again. I dont know how the hell. Got to know him,and then i like him. And now we're dating.Nothing's official yet. I've not said i love u to him just yet. I dont know,my instincts are telling me that he too is taking me on a ride. I dont know lah. Feels like meeting him soon. Maybe saturday. Or maybe some other day. Sighs! I love his voice..and his abs..Wow! Hello,gorgeous. Thats the only reason why im so insecure. He's way gorgeous than me. lols! And bonus is,he could talk malay. Wonderful. He like the twilight saga. Into soccer. He carry weights..his biceps is wow! lols! He's charming. Understanding,mature. Simply one of a kind. I love the way he laughs. To be honest,the way i could move on is to love another guy,thats just how things are. Im happy with him and plan to be his girlfriend and maybe wife someday. So dont u dare come back to my life and robbed me out of my happiness. I wont let u.

He's gonna be the best boyfie i've ever had. Perhaps cause he's 26. But honestly he looks good eventhough he's 26. He swore to me that he's single and not married. fantastic. If he ever dare to lie to me,im gonna rupture not only his spleen but his testes. But honestly he has been an honest boy so far. No lies that i would know of. He is so cute. I miss him already. Probably sleeping right now. Grrr! Even his ears looks uber cute. He is indeed irresistable.Meeee-aaaaauuuuwwwww!!!!

The resistance.

2010-07-07T23:23:00.002+08:00

I really feel like drinking caffeine right now. Gosh,im so drained siuul! Can i just talk like one bitch and not give a damn about it cause im so frustrated about always trying to please others. Its really such a chore. I do care for others. But i myself am in a mess. Im not in the right state of mind to even try to cheer people up. Seriously,i honestly just wish to play the helpless victim role and just cry like one loser that i am. So far,i've not cried. Which is good in a way. Or rather i tried to restrain from crying. I mean,what good is crying anyway. It wont solve anything,will it make it feel better. Well not really for me. So what else can i do but try not to think of it and just get on with life. In life,u have to keep moving on and not look back. Thats just how life is.

Im not in a good mood right now. I really feel like biting someone else's head off. Or burn someone's hair. Or squeeze the eyeballs of someone out of the socket. lols! Okay im not exactly that sadistic. Or rather i try not to be. Revenge isnt always sweet. It has consequences. Too bad i've developed a cant be bothered kind of nature. I simply cant be bothered with my life anymore. And just wish to die. I have not even a speck of hope in me anymore. So i wont be a cheerful little girl if u were rub me the wrong way. Enough said,aku nak tidur! Cant be bothered about Germany anymore. Eventhough i know they're gonna win. I have faith in them,somehow. (:

Daydreaming.

2010-07-07T09:25:00.003+08:00

Been daydreaming,alot! About a fictious character that doesnt actually exist in the twilight saga. If she did exist,the story would be a whole lot complicated. I've been thinking about Emilia. Emilia is frozen at the age of 17. Her eyes would tend to change to chalky grey when she's thirsty but most of the times,her eyes would be in maroon. Mia was her pet name. She was loved by everyone. She too had an ability just like her brother and sister,Aro and Didyme. Suprise suprise. But her abilities were a whole lot greater than Aro or Didyme. She's able to sense an unfound ability in humans. If she feels that its worth to keep,she'd bite on them and train them personally. But if she feels that they're not worth it,she'd kill them and give the nomads to feed on them(She'll only drink AB+ blood. She says its the sweetest and the nicest among every other blood types). Her loyalty towards her brother is beyond extreme. Everyone feels threatened with her presence. Especially after the trio and their wives had vowed to serve her for eternity. The trio is made of 3 brothers which Mia has changed herself because of their unfound abilities. She too changed their wives who has of some use to her as well.

The oldest of the trio is Joseph. He's the overall leader of the trio. He's also Mia's right hand man. His ability is to shapeshift. He's able to change into any humans or vampires. And nothing else. Maybe cause he was a human and now a vampire. :/ The 2nd oldest was Maximus,he could manipulate others in doing what he want just by saying. Like if he were to say,"Burn yourself" The ones that was meant for that comment would burn themselves. Incredible huh? The youngest was Zachary. He is able to teleport. The wives has unique abilities too. Madeline(Joseph's wife) has the ability to control the weather. While Maekayla(Zachary's wife) has the ability to penetrate shields. Lastly,Desiree(Maximus' wife) has the ability to put people in a trance,and make them her slaves.

Aro knows of her sister's powers. He too worries that she would try to revolt and usurp his throne. But he hid his fear and dote on his only sister. He gave her everything that she wants in order to win her favour so that she would stay. Mia has brown wavy hair which was always let down. She loves wearing dresses that has sort of like drapes. She says it made her look graceful and elegant. When she met Carlisle for the first time,she became great friends with him. But when Carlisle had to leave,she too made her decision to leave. Because Carlisle had taught her that vampires arent just monsters. Carlisle gave her warmth and concern,something that she never did felt from Aro after he had been changed. Aro tried to stop her,but no one dared when the trio and their wives stepped in and left with her.

The truth was,Mia has fell in love with Carlisle. Eventhough he's abit older than her. She took on the name Cullen and Carlisle introduced her to the world as his sister. That totally shattered her. But she didnt say anything. Thousands of years of not being able to express herself,she has forgotten to speak her mind about anything. She may be smiling on the outside,but on the inside,no one knows of her loneliness. When they had finally settled down in Chicago,Elizabeth Masen was interested with Mia's flawless beauty and brown eyes(By this time,she found out that she had another ability which is to imitate one's ability). Elizabeth tried all ways to matchmake her son,Edward with Mia. And they soon fell in love. They were betrothed to each other in 1918,just weeks before the deadly plague hits Chicago.

When they were both dying,Mia pleaded to Carlisle to save both of them. As a last resort,he could only saved Edward. Mia couldnt bite them,for she's afraid she would get tempted. Mia was happy when Edward became one of them,but unexpectedly he has forgotten about his human memories. The feelings were gone. Mia tried to make him remember by showing him the places that they have gone. The things that Edward has given to her. But he couldnt remember anything. Leaving a broken hearted girl once again. They soon moved to Columbus,Ohio where she met Esme as a little girl. That little girl looks a whole lot just like her when she was a kid. It brought back painful memories and so they moved out of town yet again. After a few years,that little girl grew up,much to her suprise looks a whole lot like her mother. She pleaded Carlisle once more to save her from death. And soon Carlisle agreed.

Mia's the only one who calls Esme,"Mother". She protects her from any threats that might harm her. I guess cause,she has lost her mother once,and she doesnt wish to lose her again. Eventhough Mia's spending alot of time with the Cullens,she still sends the trio to snoop around the volturi silently so that she knows what is Aro up to lately. As delicate as she may seems,she has a cunning mind. She became Rosalie's only bestfriend as soon as she was changed. Due to the fact that Mia loves to flatter people. Especially narcisstic ones. Just for the fun of it. When Emmett was changed,she was attracted to his looks. His dimple,his eyes,his luscious lips. lols! But she made way to Rosalie when she talked about how charming Emmett is in a really flirty way.

The thing about Mia is that,she doesnt like to express herself with words. She rather do it in action. She's pretty complex. When Alice and Jasper joined the family,they became her new bestfriends instantly. Eventhough Jasper is quiet most of the times,but he could be hilarious at times. As she was still part of the volturi,(a pact that she has made with Aro so that he wouldnt disturb the peace of the cullens.) she had to be on the move most of the times. Searching for talents or groom the army. And other inner problems. She hates attending high school,because it gets tougher each year. And so she rather skip school than be in it. Carlisle keeps making up excuses that she's sick and all each time. Isnt it great to have a dad who is well,a doctor? lols! But as soon as Edward gets interested with Bella Swan,she sticked to him like a leech. Giving cold glares to Bella which gives her the chills. Mia is able to hear Bella's thoughts because she has Edward's and Maekayla's abilities. There were times,she would answer bella's questions in her head out loud just to embarass her. Among the others,Mia dislikes Bella the most. She was the one who lured the nomads in. She worked with James and wants her dead. Edward got to know about it,and that makes him dislike Mia even more. But Mia helped to save Bella only to be pushed aside by Edward who no longer trusts her. Mia visited Bella at the hospital,and gave her the bracelet that Elizabeth once gave to her. Saying that,"its a family heirloom,Madam Masen gave this to me when she was still alive and now im giving it to u on her behalf. U're the true daughter in law,not me."

She left and unknowingly crossed the wolf boundary and was attacked by a grey wolf. Despite all that,he somehow imprinted on her. Weird? Danial Uley,Sam's bestfriend and cousin. He was the first that supported Danial's love. As the Alpha,his decisions was never questioned. Mia did all that she could to win their trust. Throughout all that,she formed an alliance with not only Sam but the rest of the pack. In order to make them feel comfortable,she would always shift to her human form. Or her wolf form just to show off. She's a white wolf. (She could imitate other vampire's abilities remember?) After the clash with Edward,she spends more time at La Push. The only vampire who is allowed to be there. When Bella found out about the wolves,she was suprised to see Mia at Emily's house. And to see Mia being so caring towards a wolf kind of man. Mia distanced herself from Bella,not wanting to make her a friend or a foe. Mia had Alice' ability,but her visions is a whole lot accurate and has no flaws like Alice'. She knows of what will happen but yet chose to kept it a secret.

When Edward went to Volturi,Mia was already at Italy. Waiting to make the right move. She only made her appearance with the Trio when Aro is fascinated by Bella's immunity to Jane. And convinced Aro to make Edward change her. Influencing him about Bella's unique ability. And saying that,if he could get Bella,he could easily get Edward and soon the whole Cullen Family. Of course,Aro couldnt resist that thought. And so he agreed. Upon Mia's request,Aro didnt do anything about the newborns attack. Without Aro realising,she has Aro wrapped around her finger. Jane is extremely cold to Mia. Eventhough Alec is a whole lot warmer. Jane has always hated Mia for killing her father. For pushing her to the limit. But what Jane doesnt know is that,it was her job to kill him even if he was her mate back then. She couldnt refuse Aro's orders. The unexpected twist was,Alec and Jane is her own flesh and blood. She could give birth as long as she's in her human form. She had to give up her maternal instincts and treat them like the others. She trained them to be the best of the best. And soon they became Aro's favourites. All those years,Mia doesnt really know how to be a good mother. But Alec has never blamed her. He has always been the filial one. But when he got to know Mia was marrying Danial,he slowly became cold and refused to give them his blessings.

Mia,Edward and Rosalie was the only one who disagrees. Mia just doesnt want Bella to live forever. Mia was the one who warned Aro that his decisions are being watched,and made him let her decide. But Caius was suspicious and so he sent Jane,Alec,Felix,Demetri to check the situation out. When Mia got to know about it,she threatened to kill them if they were to be involved in this matter. The reason why,she doesnt want them to be involve is because she wants the Cullens to forge an alliance with the wolves. So that they could be of use if they were to be against the Volturi someday. She planned it all. When Bree surrendered to the Cullens,but she killed her,stating that she's just protecting the family. But in truth,she was just giving out a warning to Bella. Jane saw how ruthless her mother is,and somehow that made her respect Mia a lil bit more.

Mia went against Edward in Breaking Dawn and protected Renesmee from harm. She too went back and forth,asking Aro to let her settle the "immortal child issue" Which of course to no avail. She was the one who tortured Irina to death which made Jane smile. To cut the story short,Mia went back to the Volturi because of her children. And because,she knows she wont be able to resist killing Bella. She disappeared from Danial's life. But everyone knows,she's somewhere around the world,training newborns. Teaching them the real way of life,just like how Carlisle had taught her years ago. The end! lols! Honestly,there's a whole lot more,tapi like malas. Its a great story,just a bit complicated. x)

tiring day

2010-07-05T22:57:00.002+08:00

I actually had a race with Idah today. Nyahaha! And guess what,even when she's a whole lot smaller than me,i won. nyahahha! Dulu lembab,sekarang pun lembab. nyahaha! Fyi,i had cramps later on. Not pleasant at all. Because we did no stretching,warm up. Main suke-suke lari. hahaha! Padan muke kau Yana! lols! But honestly,when i reached my destination,i really felt like i was about to die. I was like gasping for air siuul. lols! Itu tandanye,i need to go out exercising again!,soon. Eeee..i dont like! Grrrr...! Btw,watched Eclipse. I seret Idah along with me. Nyahaha! It was a bore. Eventhough it was supposed to be Action-packed. I mean we're talking about ECLIPSE,y'all! Totally not up to expectations. I really thought it would be a whole lot darker. And more action,more romance. More rivalry. More sarcasm. More drama. But nopes. It was like the director wasnt trying to make the movie as an adaptation but a movie as its own. If u have not watched twilight or new moon yet or u have no idea what is eclipse,please dont watch it yet. Not suitable for twiginners. (: U'd get confused.

Besides that,today was so packed. I had to go to Yishun instead to watch it. It was like Oh my Gucci! Grrrrrr! Me and Idah searched for that stupid GV like idiotic fools only to realise that its at the other building. Cis! lols! Oh wells! Before that we actually had a stupid wild goose chase. From woodlands,we went chua chu kang,then Yishun.

If u're even reading this kan,i miss u. I only said that i hate u because i just wanted u to be happy. So that u would think that i dont love u anymore and wont try to sneak back into my life when i've completely forgotten about u. I could no longer feel anything. Im no longer whom i thought i am. Tears could start welling up instantly,simply just not like me. U've made ur choice and i've made mine. Love is to let go and i chose to let go. Not only for u,but for me,for her. We wont be happy when i have to sacrifice more. When i had to compromise more. Just for u. I guess u never did realise that. I guess im just an evil woman who's bent on ruining your life. Just because i cant be with u,that aint mean i would wish u bad stuff. I dont. I pray from my heart that wherever u are,u'll be happy. And may u'll always be safe and healthy. :)

I could never love another. Nor do i want to get to know anymore guys. I have no interest in them anymore. Unless they remind me of him. Sighs! I guess my vow that i've made years ago is something that i cant take back now. Im fated to be an old spinster. No matter how handsome that guy may be or rich,i wont even look at him. My heart has been closed tight. It screams each time my instincts tried to persuade me to love again. Not even the finest angels that Allah might send could make me fall in love again. Its just not the same. Its not about whether its still fresh in my memory or whatever. Its about a decision that i've made months ago. I wont marry anyone else but him. I wont love anyone else but him. I know everyone may say she's just saying this now but a few years on the road,she might just forget him and fall in love once more. Well,u're right. Future is full of uncertainties. But im sure that im determined enough,strong enough to keep this heart shut.

Everyone may say that its not worth it to suffer because of him. But i didnt shut my heart just because of him. I wanted to shut my heart. I wanted to die. I wanted to be lifeless. To merely have a body without a soul. To have a heart with no heartbeat. Im merely just a living person who has felt like she's dead. If this is death,then what is death? Huh?! My only crime was that i fell in love. Was that wrong? Huh?! U have no right to hurt me like this. Cinta yang dalam hati saya hanya untuk orang yang ikhlas menerimanya. Bukan untuk dipersendakan. Awak sedar tak,apa yang awak telah lakukan? Huh?! Awak sedar tak yang awak telah retakkan hati saya. Awak sedar tak yang awak telah membuat saya rasa yang saya ini sekadar wanita yang menjadi boneka awak. Awak sedar tak?

Tak. Awak tak akan sedar. Sampai bila-bila masa pun,awak tak akan sedar. Sebab awak tak akan berubah. Dia ada bahagia walaupun hanya sementara. Tapi saya. Apa yang saya dapat dari awak? Bahagia. Duit. Derita. Dugaan. Kecewa. Hampa. Haruskah saya menyambung? Awak fikir meminta maaf akan selesaikan semuanya. Tak. Awak fikir saya bahagia dipergunakan sebegini? Tak. If only i knew u. But i dont. Not anymore. :(

rimas! :(

2010-07-04T16:41:00.006+08:00

I know that i should have moved on. And well i've begun my "moving on" journey not long ago. Just that,there are times,i cant deny that i had the urge to text him every now and then. And i actually succumb to it. I was weak. I realise that he simply doesnt care about me. Nor does he love me. And fyi,aku dah delete number kau. Aku tak akan text kau. Okay. Dah uh,cakap tentang si Md Nury Humaidy buat aku frustrated jek sey. Blueks! Menyampa! Meluat aku dibuatnye. Humpft!

Kay kay,mulai sekarang,tiada lagi orang yang bernama Md Nury Humaidy di hidup aku lagi. Aku dah nekad untuk melupakan dia and move on. Ini keputusan muktamad. Besides everyone's right. He's just using me. Aku cume tempat dia buang nafsu. Aku stakat pompan simpanan. Tak sangke,dalam diam..dia buaye rupenye. Secilik aku pun terpedaye. Wow! Pandai uh kau. U know what,i hate u. Aku tak akan maafkan kau. Even sampai aku mati pun,aku akan tetap ingat ape yang kau buat kat aku. Semua janji palsu. I really thought i knew u. I really thought u're not what they thought u are. Tapi hakikatnye ialah,kau tipu aku. Kau zalim,kau kejam.
Pfft. Aku benci kau. Sampai bila-bila masa. Kau nampak tak!

AKU

BENCI

KAU!!!!

2010-07-03T14:57:00.004+08:00

Jual anggur tak abes abes. Cis! lols! Was watching random vids and somehow came across this. I dont know why buat aku pecah perut gitu. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! x) Enjoyyysss!

Part 1/6

Part 2/6

Part 3/6

Part 4/6

Part 5/6

Part 6/6

aku is penat

2010-07-02T22:53:00.002+08:00

I've not been sleeping well..Again! Haiz..aku tak tahu lah ape masalah nye sekarang. Its like grrrr gitu. hahaha! My eyes are swollen and honestly its good in a way,no more nightmares. hahaha! Just carry on this way and i'll be fine or faint halfway maybe. hmmm..nearly there. Been watching selamat pagi cinta. X) Its so awwww gitu. Firstly ye lah,macam merepek but after that its so sweet! X) Eventhough it kinda had a sad ending. :(

And Nury,he entah lah ape cite. There's no moving on in my love story. Tetap macam gitu jek. Tak fed up ke? Cause aku ni kan dah frustrated,u know! Itu in the beginning uh,sekarang,maleh aku nak pikiak banyak-banyak. The more aku pikir,the more aku tension. Anyway its like so what gitu loh. Tak ape. Kumbang bukan seekor. Aku tengah penat lah ni,thats why kate bende yang mungkin tak masuk akal. sighs! Nak tidur,tak boleh tidur. Biler dah sedap nak dekat tidur,terbangun pulak. Biler dah terbangun,tak boleh tidur balek pulak. Haiz..leceh sak!

Off to sleep,lebih faedah lah eh! nyahahaha! Nak tunggu Nury text pun ape maknenye. Bukannye dia nak msg ke ape. There were times,i really wonder what kind of a person am i in your eyes. I really do. But then again,confirm yang negative sey. Sedih nye! Oh wells. No one could actually knows me that well. Not even him. :)

New nightmares everyday

2010-06-30T23:54:00.002+08:00

Its been a few months since i keep having nightmares. New nightmares everyday. But recently has been gory. I could only remember a few scenes,thank god! But its gory enough okay. I saw a girl,unable to see her face,thank god! She hold like u know those grim reaper kind axe whatever and clearly chopped my head. And then like hundreds of crows feed on my dead body. The weird thing was,she brought back my head and gave it to her owner. Who was in the dark. I dont get it. Who would want to upah tok bomoh to kene me like that? In that dream,i died such a horrible death. I've been so paranoid nowadays till AKU TAK BERANI NAK KLUAR RUMAH SORANG2,BALEK TENGAH MALAM! Kau tahu tak aku sekarang kene trauma ni. My cats are screaming every night like as if they saw something. Kau paham tak! Aku sekarang takut giler tau sampai aku kene dengar Yassin untuk tenangkan jiwa aku ni. Kau maner tahu! If sekarang is nightmares. Then next aku nampak bende. Then after that is what? My horrible death?

No way am i gonna stomach that siuul. I dont even know what the hell that whatever dude wants with my head. I dont feel at peace anymore. :( Aku tak langgar ape2. Aku tak buat orang lain. Aku tak saketkan hati sesiapa. Aku tak de musuh ketat yang mungkin akan santau aku. Okay for now is just nitemares turning into wild imagination. Dang! How i wish kan,im not born with it.

Mendak Sioots!

2010-06-30T22:39:00.009+08:00

I was bored so i became my sayang's papzo..lols! My sayang is kenny! hahaha! Irritated siuul dia..Last-last sembunyi kat kotak under the chair..nyahaha! I love him load load! We had wonderful memories together..X)

He looks cute kan! SoOooO innocentnye! hahaha! X)

Avoiding the camera nampak..cis! lols!

Avoiding lagi..hmmm

Cis! Dia tunjuk bum dia kat kite. tsk tsk..lols!

Ni dia dah fed up cause i force him to face the camera..hahahaha!

Stare at me nampak!? hahahaha!

When he realised that he cant ecape me,he tries to hide in the box..nyahahah! Cute uh u kenny! X) Love u loads lah seyy!

women..

2010-06-30T14:10:00.002+08:00

Women are created to make up for their husbands flaws. To accept the mistake that he has made and "hadapi segala dengan tabah". I knew that it wont be easy from the start but i learned. Thank you for making me grow up. The fear of losing u has lost that little girl that i once had in me. I try to see things in your perspective. I try to understand u. I try not to be sad and accept the current situations. And to be honest,i dont hate u. Nor them. Im not angry at all. Nor am i sad. Im happy as long as u're still here. Women may not be strong physically but they're a whole lot stronger than u actually thought. Because of u,i seem to have taken baby steps to be a true woman. And i thank you for that. I thank God for that. It may seem like im in denial but i chose to see it in a positive perspective. I've learnt to sacrifice my happiness for him. I've learnt to be happy because he's happy. I've learnt to accept the reality and hide the pain in my heart. I still side to the words that i've said,he is the best boyfriend i've ever had. No matter how tough it gets,just know that im just a phone call away tau!? I'll always be here,if u ever were to feel alone,dont think that u are alone. U'll still have me no matter what. X)

I guess all i wanna do is linger for a while more. Maybe till he gets engaged or something. Because once he's engaged,i'll be forced to move on. It may be hard but well,in time..it'll get better. Yay! Kambatte neh! lols! X) Aku is lapar! hahaha! Random. Been super random nowadays. And having mood swings. But honestly,i've been having angin songsang only with Yan jek. hahaha! I dont know why,i actually became a little girl when i text him. Sikit-sikit nak merajuk. hahaha! Childish nye! He buat dek lahs..hahaha! Cause he knows if he were to layan,aku confirm naik lemak..nyahahaha! He knows me so well gitu. nyahaha! Eclipse tengok with mummy bear and hadi and rose maybe???

I have a feeling lah kan,aku confirm tengok eclipse sorang..lols! If dorg tak jadi,i can seret my sister watch it with me. hehhs! Or my cuzzie,Syahidah. Btw,if u were to see ur link to be not in my affi whatever,its cause i changed my skin but then luper your links pulak. Do me a favour and tag ur links can? Okay off to makan! nyahaha! Aku is rindu that Nico..heeeeeeheeeee! I love him lot lot..! heeeeeheeeee! X)

2010-06-28T22:59:00.002+08:00

I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
Cause I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye
Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole in love thing
And someone can say they love me truely
But at the time it didn't mean a thing

My mind is gone, i'm spinning round
And deep inside, my tears i'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening
I stray from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now i'm, in this condition
And i've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

Did it happen when we first kissed
Cause it's hurting me to let it go
Maybe cause we spent so much time
And I know that it's no more
I shoulda never let you hold me baby
Maybe why i'm sad to see us apart
I didn't give to you on purpose
Cant figure out how you stole my heart

How did I get here with you, i'll never know
I never meant to let it get so, personal
And after all I tried to do, stay away from loving you
I'm broken hearted, I can't let you know
And I won't let it show
You won't see me cry

2010-06-26T20:30:00.000+08:00

What more could i actually say about Nury? He's not like those kind of guys who would bodek around me and say stuff that he doesnt meant. He isnt like that. Thats one of the reasons why i still trust him. He's most definately not those kind of guys who would even try to break someone's heart. Eventhough he did broke mine,several times. Sure i felt hurt and upset and whatever. It felt a whole lot worse when he couldnt console me but instead im the one who have to console him. All this while,all we ever did was linger. Im not dumb. Do u actually think i dont know what the hell is going on? What Yan said really hurt me. He said that Nury is merely using me for his needs. That really cut me deep. I've never thought about Nury that way. There is no way im gonna stoop so low and use him like Yan ask me to. I've been giving out chances no matter whether he knows it or not. I've been putting my pain aside and hide it all. I've been holding on to the times we had and just maintain my composure. I thought he would understand that the reason why i was ranting was because i've been bottling it inside for far too long. Its not cause im sad or whatever. I take this as a challenge that i should overcome. I accept it and made it my fate but im not gonna accept defeat. Its not over till its really over. I've been fighting everyday of my life since march. Its tiring,u know! When i saw u again,thats when i finally realise,i cant lose u once more. It was a mistake by mistake. I shouldnt have let u go. But now,the fear of losing him is slowly overwhelming me. I am too attached with him. And its only because circumstance has made my love reached a certain altitude till its impossible to actually reduced it. Its not a normal crush or the usual likelike. Its true love. Which usually happens once in a lifetime. Distance will always makes the heart grow fonder. Our relationship could only be felt when we're not together.

I remember i used to giggle alot when im on the phone with him. I dont know why. He makes my heart race somehow. His laughter is capable of getting me high in a way. hahaha! I miss those late night phone calls. Back then,it was easy since he's schooling. One thing that would get on my nerves was that,he always lepak. hahaha! Yeah,good things never did last. Whenever i wanted to argue,he wouldnt counter back. He would always try to cheer me up of some sort. Slowly he became my best friend. I could talk to him about anything. Almost anything. We're still great friends. I would fight the world for him. Even die for him. Thats how much he means to me. I dont know,each time i wish to be with someone,he has to become my best friend first. If i cant be that comfortable with him,why should we start lah kan? Anyway,Nury has always been my charming,adorable,dashing,funny Simba. hahaha! Im like a lion,and his hair was like a lion's mane,sajak lah tu. I miss that hair. lols! I remember the first time i met him. His face was so pure its like he was an angel from above. And he wasnt really loud unless he's with Adi. With me,he's always mumbling. And im like huh?! lols! That day was the best day ever. Eventhough we got bit by those mosquitos. Hahaha! His blood is too sweet i guess,well thats what i said to him. And i learnt 2 words from him that day. Masai and i forgot what the hell that word is. lols! I didnt wanna leave that day. But we had to. I just wanna sit all day with him and just get to know him more. But well,it didnt happened. He was the best boyfriend ever. He cared for me. He loved me but never did he tried to control me or change me like the rest tried to did. And i respect him for that. Another thing that i respect him for is his courage. His courage to tell me the truth. I once said i hate cowardly guys. And i admire him for being brave and just tell me. Or even cry on the phone. That takes strength. He isnt a weak man,he has a lot of potential in him which he never really discovered. I do have faith in him. And if God is willing,he'll find a solution on his own and decide on who he truly want and need. He needs to be sure of his feelings. Only then,things can work well. I cant leave at a time like this. Not just because i want Nury all to myself but because even if Nurul and me were to go,he'll find another and the problem will still continue. Cause honestly,it kinda seem to me that the problem is Acah herself,eventhough Nury would always tries to deny it.

Dont think that im proud displaying my love affairs here. Its just cause,i dont want any skeletons in my closet. Im already holding it in keeping my lips sealed but if i dont talk about it,im gonna have a bitch fit sooner or later. And u wont like it when i've become an uncivilised savage who would chase u around with a chainsaw. I havent done that yet ever but i might if i keep bottling stuff inside. If u burden ur friends,soon u'll have no friends. How sucky is that? So i clearly have no choice. :) Nury would always hate it when i say stuff about us in public. Because maybe he's afraid that Acah might know. He even says that she must never know,he rather die. And if he hurts her,he hurts her family. So thats the reason why. I've been cracking my brain on why he refused to break up with her and i actually thought cause he was grateful to her or something. lols! Its purely because of something that she said in her blog. Same like when i got to know about Nurul. There's no way a girl like her would be insane to say,awww...i love my boyfriend so much. If he wasnt her boyfriend. And he was like no..the poor girl was pretending because he's attached with Acah. And im like Yah right. There were times,Nury tries to lie and i actually had doubts about it. Like he says he cant swim and then he says he's a pro swimmer,i just cant help but say,Ah tipu lagi. Dia ape lagi,buat muke slumber and senyum lah. He isnt perfect. He has flaws,i have flaws too. A guy who would always care for his late grandmother when she was alive isnt a bad guy. He is a filial kind of person. He even tried to look after her potted plants. But honestly it looks like its dying. But that just shows,he isnt that bad. He is a sensitive,caring,responsible,sensible guy deep beneath those layers. Sure one look at u'll see a guy who simply cant be bothered about anything,u're somewhat right. He has bad habits like any other human being. I have bad habits too. So does that mean im bad too? What im trying to say is,im gonna keep thinking that he's not using me. Because i know he's not. My instincts are telling me that i have to be strong to win this battle. And that i should never let my emotions cloud my head at this crucial period of time. I have to think about a million times before saying something to him. I dont wish to make him sad or upset. I just want him to be happy. Thats all that matters to me.

Gahhs..on and off fever is sucky sucky. Its a whole lot suckier when its hot and then its cold. I feel like dying somehow with the constant migraines. Maybe after this im off to sleep. Hopefully no more nightmares. Same like how Nury is with me,at times he's hot and then he's cold. But i must say he looks so H-O-T is jeans. hahaha! X) -blush- I dont think i ever said that to him before. But honestly,when he wore that pair of jeans,i cant help but look at his behind. Gosh! How sick can u be,Yana!? hahaha! Whats there to be shy about..i've seen it all of his. Oops. I typed that on purpose. Hehhs. :) Sorry B. Blueks!

weird.

2010-06-25T20:17:00.002+08:00

For almost a year,i've been keeping quiet. But now,dang! It wasnt supposed to be this way. Now i know why he's been avoiding me this past week. What else u have in store for me,God? If this was to make me strong,im not strong enough to handle this he said,she said shit. I dont think i will be able to hold my anger if she were to start calling me names. But then again,she's in the same boat as me. She isnt the first wife. Even way before she was two-timed. Been there. Wasnt pleasant. If its a fight u want,i dont want to. Because u're 19. And im 18. Seriously,i've never thought it will be this way. I kinda thought u're that stupid to actually not figure it out. Im sorry,no offense. Sighs!

But i know how its going to end. He'll cast me aside and try to patch things up with u or her. He'll delete me from his life that easily. Leaving me here to die. How the hell did this happen? How did she manage to find me? I dont get it. But then luckily its her and not Acah. Can u imagine if it was Acah,she'll tear Nury apart thats for sure. Well,this is it. He's gonna leave me secara senyap now. Thats for sure. Oh God please prove me wrong. Sighs! :(

Bloody riot!

2010-06-14T19:23:00.001+08:00

Yan and Benji had a huge argument not that recently. What saddens me was that,im the last to know. It hurts even more to know that two of my bestest friends isnt friends anymore. The worst part of all,Benji once said that he doesnt want to "berbaik" with Yan anymore. Aku is stressed out because of this. Till i cant even sleep. Unless its nearly 3am then somehow aku knocked out. lols!

Sighs! Guys are the weirdest sub species ever. Sweet memories between us 3,i could never forget. X) But u know,it wont be the same. Asif could never replace u,eventhough u slalu relax one corner,tak abes2 dengan ur rokok. The next time,i see u smoke,im gonna grab that cig and sumbat it inside ur lobang hidung. Aku tak suke sey. Pantang nenek moyang aku tau kalau aku nampak orang isap rokok. Baik perempuan atau lelaki. I dont like it.

Its like,kau nak bahayekan diri kau,tu kau nye pasal lah. But the ones around u are the ones who unknowingly breathes in the toxic smoke tau. Its unfair! lols! I've edit this bloody entry several times now. I simply dont wish to publish anymore entries that could hurt Nury once more. I do love him,no words could describe the love i have for him. No matter if my stars were to realign,the love thats embedded in my heart,in my soul will always be there,even when this heart stops beating. :))

There were times,u have to fight your stars and create your own destiny. If u were to look carefully,u'll see ur whole life in the night sky. But its up to u,to follow it or to stand up for what u believe in. Cause at the end of the day,the worst enemy that u'll ever face is none other than yourself. :)

Yan's right,life is beautiful. It only depends on how u live it. If u keep sticking to your mundane routine everyday,obviously u have no life. But if u were to live it up now and then,life is fun. Whether u know it or not. A minute of sadness is a minute of happiness that will never return. I would always try to keep that in mind,no matter how much Nury is hurting me,i kept putting the pain away. Because i know its not worth it. It seems easy to close one eye,but no one really knows how the hell im feeling. I could only put on a smile each time i feel like crying. I could only hide my tears and sadness for the ones i love.

It isnt an easy job. If u know me pretty long,u'll know how i am. No matter how thick this barrier is,there's always a crack in it. Yan managed to force it open,when no one really could. He manages to know me,to understand me when no one really could. Nury asked about Irwan,padehal the only one i kept talking about other than him is Yan. Somehow,i kinda feel that he's jealous of Yan. lols! Macam buat kelakar gitu. He doesnt even dare to acknowledge me in this stupid cyber world.

Dalam MSN,confirm aku in the others list or maybe not in any list. When i ask him whether im in the others list,he was speechless. There were times,i just wish i could bare it all and write every single fucky feeling that i feel. And hurt u even more,how i wish i could.

But each time i tried to,my heart tells me that my love for u isnt selfish. I cant expect u to love me like how i love u,because its ur free will. I cant expect anything from u. Because the truth is,u'll never do anything. God could merely guide u but its up to u in the end. He cant give u a solution. U'll have to find it on your own. Thats just life. And good will always begets good. Those whom cares for me,i love and care for them like my own. No matter if i know them for a day or two.

I will go a long way for the one i care for. I will sacrifice anything that i could just for u,just for them. Without expecting anything in return. Because Fareez would always say,"U should never expect anything from anyone." His words will always be in my head,and that lightens my load a lil bit more. If only i could follow Ernie's words. "Learn to let go." While Yan once said,"Whatever that u wanna do,always think about your parents." Their words will always be engraved in my heart.

2010-06-11T15:29:00.002+08:00

Gerek uh text dengan Yan. He buat aku pecah perut jek selalu. hahaha! Its so hard to be sad when he's with me. Both of us talk nonsense everytime and end up laughing like stupid idiots. hahaha! I miss him! I just cant stop talking about him. And Nury toos.

Mother would always say,"kalau nak mati,mati kat luar,jangan mati kat rumah." I tried to kill myself several times. I simply was a wreck. I didnt have the courage nor strength to overcome that hurdle. Never did i thought of the ones i'll be leaving behind.

But im glad that i survived,if not i wouldnt get to know Yan,i wouldnt have changed alot,i wouldnt have learned to love life. He gave me strength and faith to start anew. He became my north star.

If not for Yan,i would still be trying to commit suicide. What he said to me did knocked sense into me. Maybe im being bias. Im saying such wonderful stuff about Yan but Nury..i just dont know what to say except for words that could hurt him.

I guess deep inside,im hating but my hatred for him isnt that deep. I could only hate myself for letting this happen. Mother's right,my hatred is consuming me slowly. I dont feel at peace at all. My sleep is disrupted by jealousy. Anxiety. Thoughts of u and her and her. My life isnt at peace no more. I tried to get close to God and seek His guidance. Make Him calm my soul and may my heart find its resting place. But when i think about it again,the aching heart starts to scream again.

My step-grandaunt once said to me,"Sembahyang lah. Dekat diri kau dengan Tuhan. Nanti jiwa kau tenang." Okay,i admit it,aku budak jahat,aku tak sembahyang,my knowledge about my agama is sungguh cetek. Aku pakai bahase kesat everyday. Im rude,aku pernah curi,pernah tipu,pernah bohong. Its no wonder my life is not peaceful. Malaikat pun takut nak dekat.

Jin-jin kafir sume nak dekat dengan aku. Thats why aku cepat panas,aku cepat peluh,aku banyak dosa. I have to switch on atleast 2 fans to be chilled. U dont know the burning feeling of ur sins. The way it burns your soul. I know people will be like macam paham,muke kau innocent pe.

Well,dont judge a book by its cover. Aku ader banyak musuh yang aku malas nak layan sebab nanti bp aku naik. lols! Dah biase orang panggil aku pompan sundal,tak de new and fresh word ke nak panggil aku huh? Every year,mesti ader lah satu ke dua ekor yang panggil aku itu,and its only because dorang yang langgar wire aku dulu.

Its like wtf gitu lah sey! Here i am trying to be nice,but orang nak pijak kepale aku. Aku ape lagi,lawan balek uh,what wrong did i've done? lols! I tried to be pompan melayu terakhir okay. Yang bersopan-santun. Duduk tak boleh terkangkang,kene duduk bersimpul. Tak boleh gunekan bahase kesat,atau bahase pasar. Mak kau! Punyelah susah!

Kalau aku minah kampung,senang lah. Ni aku dah lamer tinggal kat bukit merah,lingo dorang pun aku dah terikut dah. Aiseyman. Taubat-taubat sebelum terlambat. Mother was like,"Kalau ibu mati,siape nak bacekan Yassin untuk ibu,kau maner tahu bace surah tu." See,even mother berani sindih aku. Ye lah,aku kan jin syaitan. Even my nenek says my mate like one devil. Sedih sey. Even Nury once said that i got a sinister look on my face eventhough i didnt try to do anything.

Aku is hungry! Chalo beteh! Suroh Nury suapkan aku. hahaha! Macam paham uh..dia lagi,balek keje,trus K.O atau entah ape dia buat. hahaha! blueks!

2010-06-11T15:29:00.001+08:00

I've always tried to be his cheerleader. I guess by doing that makes him think that im clingy. I could never be a team captain,i've never had a tight rein on him,was i wrong in that? I dont understand,how's it possible that those who control their men lasts way longer than those who dont?

Was it wrong of me for not making a firm stand of my right? I respect our his space,his privacy. I didnt want our so called bond to be a burden to him. I find it to be unfair. I've said this to him before,but never did i do something about it. How could i ever say this to u,Nury? U know that i've always tried to make the best of our time together,how could i ever use that time and spoil the ambience? I could never,because u'd knew that im only capable of putting the pain away and pretend that everything's alright. Till i cant do it anymore then i'll start ranting to u or at this blog.

There were times,im tired of putting on the happy mask. But i had to put on the happy mask when i meet the ones i care. I just dont want them to think that im such a wreck and ruined their day. Besides i've gone through a whole lot worse. U cant break something that has already been broken,remember?

I guess thats why its been easy for me to fall in love and out. But it just seems hard now. Even if he were to be out of my life,i will find him once more. Sighs! God,i must be crazy. Never did i thought i would really fall in love. Thought that it only happens in fairytales. Honestly,when u're in love,everything seems to be easy and even the impossible seems to be possible.

When u're in love,u tend to see him and only him. Whether when u closed ur eyes or when u open them. Love,makes one do silly things that they would never imagine that they would do. Love makes u feel that time seems to be moving slow when he's around. All that u ever wanna do is linger in his arms,and not move.

Love makes u swoon and flutter around like oblivious fools to the world. It just felt that the world belongs to u and him. U remember every single word that he says. Every single habit. Every single mannerisms of his. When u're in love,u somehow knew his likes and dislikes. When u're in love,u tend to feel that u have the strength to fight the world for him.

Love does cause u pain when he couldnt be with u. Love does makes one blind and simply be jealous over nothing. Love does makes one say such hurtful stuff that both parties never clearly meant. But its not about how often u fight,but how fast that u actually made up.

I know im just 18. Simply knows nothing,is what they would always say but in love,everything seems to be beautiful. U just dont feel any worries when u're with him. Its like u're at cloud 9,simply like a kid who's in a toy store.

I once said this before,if Nury isnt in my life no more,im shutting my heart down. The one that i will ever love is Md Nury Humaidy.
What makes a great love story is not about whether they end up being together or not,but merely the hurdles that they've went through together. Compared to other couples,my love story is crazy and complicated. Simply an epic storyline.

Simply like another version of Madu Tiga only with an unexpected twist. If this were to be made into a film,the audience will symphatise on me more. lols! Either that,or they think im a stupid woman who should have told those 2 earlier. I didnt,for his sake even when i had the proof.

All i ever care is,im willing to share,if only he knows how to play fair. I dont ask for much. I just want his time and attention,once in a while. Thats all i ever asked. It takes strength to stay,its not easy. If u were me,u would have understand. Its not because im stupid or naive but because i love him that much till im willing to bite my tongue and swallow my pride.

Eventhough sometimes,i would say stuff to hurt him. But how would he know the pain that i felt. He doesnt understand anything. The hurt,the disappointment,the ache,the constant fighting between myself and i. He doesnt know anything. I've always bottled it inside. Was it wrong of me?

Even if he knows,what could he even do? Nothing,he'll just do nothing and simply says that i think too much. Or evade it. I could never have a serious talk with him. Never. I tried to be there for him,always. Even when he could never be there for me. I never did complain. Was it wrong of me?

No matter what Mother would say,i would still defend him and paint a great picture of him in Mother's eyes. Why do i love him,Mother? He annoys me with every little stuff that he does but i still love him. He says stuff that simply bruise me but i do still love him. I tried hard not to doubt the love he says he have for me. But as days passed,i dare say that i love u more than u could ever love me,i love u more than anyone could ever love u.

If u were to ask me to give my heart to u,i will. U are the owner of my life anyway. If u were me,what would u do? Besides leaving him. Or telling them. Or having a child as a trumpcard. Seriously,aku is confused!

Grumbles..

2010-06-08T18:31:00.000+08:00

I hate my sister's ex boyfies. All of them. Semua tak boleh dipercayai. But did she listen,noOooOo! Pfft! And now her first ex is trying to cari pasal with me. Ehle,aku suro jumpe lepas tu settle like a real man would,tak nak. Dah sah pengecut! Buah kau kecut pe jantan. pfft! Aku picit kau punyelah banyak kali,tapi tak angkat pun. Takut pe boy?

Ehle,u've made a mistake by messing with my sister and my friend. Siti dah considered as my friend,and kau belum lagi tahu aku nye taring lah eh. Frustrated nye. Anyway,maybe meeting Fadli with my sister. Bukan nak jadi lampu tiang uh,just nak tahu,how he's like. Just nak tahu whether i could trust him or not. If i cant,im sorry,i wont let u be with my sister alone. Sekali kau makan adik aku cam ner? Mampuz nanti.

Im not like other sisters. Im more of a brother. I am protective of my only baby sister. And i wont let anyone hurt her. No one has the right to mess with her but me. If u want her,u'll have to go through me first. And honestly,once im involved. Its not gonna be a happy ending for u. x)

Unless u prove to me that u are worth to be my sister's friend. Then yes. But if not,i will knock u unconscious and then tie u upside down. Will have a metal crowbar in my hand and hit u so hard till u possibly die because of excessive bleeding and a spleen rupture. And i'll leave u there to die. What a sad ending lah kan. I hate that guy Khairin. Just 14 but dah step besar. Budak taik uh kau. Langgar wire aku jek! pfft!

To be honest,Ayi is way better. A million times better than him eventhough,nak katekan,Ayi pun same jenis as him. hahaha! No offense,i still love u bro! lols! And its not that aku dah tak nak layan kau eh. Its only because,kau attached..aku nye love story abit complicated,besides nak text pun stakat random gitu. Ape sak leh bual? Sighs!

Im such a useless friend lah kan. Buat kawan pandai,but to maintain that closure is so freaking hard siuul. Especially when we rarely meet or worse,tak pernah jumpe langsung. Weird,compared to other years,this year,i've met Ernie a lot of times. lols! I dont know,i think last month was prolly the 4th time? lols!

Okay not that much but still,other years only once a year jek okay. lols! X) I've not seen Yan for more than 2 months now. I miss him. Terribly..lots! I dont even care whether Nury were to read this or not,i just wish to say,i want to hug Yan so tight till he cant actually breathe. lols! I miss that aloof,charming teddy bear of mine. hahaha!

Honestly,he's the best big brother a girl could ever have. X) lols! To be honest,besides Nury,i wish to be with Yan too. No doubt that there are 2 guys in my heart. I could only treat Yan as a brother so that he wont get out of my life. I dont know,i've never felt like this before.

Somehow,i just cant get over him. Both of them! Gahhh! Sucky sucky! God,u're so unfair. U gave me two wonderful guys and its so hard for me to choose. Alah,dua dua pun tak heran dengan aku. Cheese berdebar! lols! Each time i look at the mirror,i just cant help but go,"Aku ni tak cantik ke?"

Some says aku ok ok jek. Some kate aku pretty jek. Some kate im beautiful. While some just kept silent. lols! Yan pernah kate aku lawa. Nury,dia maner ader nak compliment aku. Even when i did my nails or coloured my hair or pakai contacts,dia maner ader kate ape-ape. Im nothing to him lah kan. Chicken breast betol. humpft!

I get it im not thin. Im super fugly. Im not hot nor sexy. Its no wonder no one likes me lah kan. Those who loves me are usually those balding men who's about a feet underground. Yeah,idiot. Guys like Nury or Yan or Ayi or even Irwan,maner lah nak pandang pompan macam aku lah kan. Pfft! I get it. Okay..! *grumblesgrumbles*

~ idiot..

2010-06-08T18:07:00.001+08:00

I cant help but cry yesterday. Sighs! I want to meet Yan! And spill everything out. Lame2 makan diri aku sey. Aku cakap sikit,Nury was like if u think ur problem is big,what about mine? Belum lagi aku rant puas puas hati aku. If i did,im sure he will be fed up and maybe start hating on me.

Maybe he is hating on me right now. Who knows lah kan? Sighs! I cant say anything to anyone. And its consuming slowly sey. Sedih nye. Kawan ramai but none i could share my problems with. Its just cause,aku tak nak. I know dorang pun ader masalah yang lain,cume Yan never really push me away. He has always made it seem like he'll be there for me always.

I wonder will Nury be jealous? hahaha! I hate the way he's hot and cold with me. Sighs! He makes it seem like he doesnt want me to stay but he doesnt want me to leave. Aiyayayaya! Only because he says he has no right over me. Sighs! All the more it means i have no right over him. Sedih kan. :(

I still think that im the 2nd wife and Nurul is the third. I dont care. blueks! Truth is,i've forgotten when we actually stead sey. lols! Im not good with dates. Honestly,if i didnt save his birth date in my calendar,i wouldnt remember about it. I think it was in april last year or was it march? If we were still together,it prolly would be a year plus now. :(

When did we go to west coast eh? On that day,if im not wrong was our 3rd day together. Haiz..lasted only for 5 days or so. Cheese! I dont know why i slalu ungkit the past yang tak gune ni,sedih uh. Its no use crying over split milk lah kan. But still,it was partly my fault. But then,if it didnt happen this-a-way,i would have hated him and not love him the way i do now. I wouldnt have changed so much,only because he once said,no change,no patching up,buat ape make the same mistake lagi kan?

I remember every word that u once said to me. Every hurtful word. Every sweet word that u once said. To be honest,im changing to be who i used to be. Someone who couldnt control her temper. Someone who will take it out on u no matter if u're at fault or not. Im not perfect. I have my flaws. U once asked me this,"How can u be with someone whom u would always think bad of their good intentions?"

I still would say i dont know. Each time u tak layan i,the thought that comes to mind is,u're spending time with them. And that makes me terribly jealous. So jealous till i feel like burning their hair. lols!
There were times,how i wish that this is all a bad dream. And that when i wake up it'll be fine. But it never did.

There were times,i wish i dont have to wake up ever because dreamland is way better than reality. Where no problems dwell in my mind,where misery wont be creeping in my life. Where storms wouldnt waver my soul. Where there's only happy endings. And where im happy with u.

Have u ever realise that we're becoming distant? The gap between us is huge enough to fit this whole universe. Literally. My heart aches when u go away. But it aches even more when u created distances in between. U just make me ask myself,"what huge sin have i done to u? What wrong did i do now? Whats my fault this time around? Why are u treating me like this? Was it something that i do or say? Dont u love me anymore? Dont u care anymore?"

Sighs! Somehow i just think that if i were to be bedding someone else,u wouldnt care. U would obviously say,i have no right in saying anything,just do what u please. I dont want u to say that. U have a right over my life. U have a right over me. U came to my life as a stranger but now u own it.

Sighs! To be honest,im only typing personal stuff only because i could never say this to u,Nury. I could be a whole lot meaner to u but i just wouldnt. I could never sit down with u and talk about us. Because i know what the ending will be. The reason why im putting it out public is only because i want u to read it. Read the things that i would never say to u. I may write bad things about u all the time but u should know,u're a wonderful guy. I trust u,and thats why i stayed.

If not for my love,i wouldnt have had the strength to stay. It just felt that u're my true love. And to prove my love for is true,i have to overcome this hurdle. But somehow that thought of wanting to keep u by my side,kept fading away when i think of them. I just dont know what to do. My love for u is strong but yet this heart itself is weak.

Sighs! U know,each time i rest my head on your chest,i feel at peace like it just felt like thats where i truly belong. My doubts fade away and my self esteem rises and im determined once again that u're mine. Each time i feel that doubts and jealousy is taking over me slowly,i had to see u again. But we've met 2 weeks ago or so,nanti u think i clingy lagi.

But honestly,i need to meet u Asap. Sighs! Nak lepaskan rindu,cume boleh tengok gambar dia jek. lols! I copy-save all the pics of him doing a funny face. hahaha! Each time im sad,i'll see them and smile to myself. lols! Thats what i usually do when im sad. Like i said,its easy to manipulate my feelings. Im guessing Nury knows this,great! Shouldnt have typed my weaknesses in here. hahaha!

Oh wells..love him alot! Even if he were to slap me or push me down or kick me in the gut,i would still love him. Cause if i could still love him despite his "infidelity",how come i couldnt love him if he were to be physical with me? Okay,Yana stop thinking about it! Gahhhs! There were times,i just want to be a whole lot better than them. But then if i were to talk about them,aku peng,dia stress. hahaha!

Oh wells. x) Meeting Yan soon? Maybe. Itu lagi satu,macam nak tangan jek. Sorry uh,nowadays entah cam ner asyik cakap macam minah gitu. hahaha! Gondoren betol lah sey. & i wish to say,Aku bukan pompan geddiq eh! I love the way i walk,sorry if u dont. Blueks! And mak aku bukan sundal eh. So that means aku bukan anak sundal. Itu budak,mulut nak kene cili.

Aku picit dia,tak angkat. Laki dayus,kentalanz,buat kecut,nak step maner nye buaye. Ehle. Kau stakat budak taik,separuh masak nye orang. Pfft! Bosan tau. Nonsense jek perangai. Kay,stop it Yana! Nanti orang spam kau sebab kau minah poser cam ner? lols! Oh wells,i'll be happy if i have a spammer. hahaha! I've never get a spammer before! lols! More drama in my life is exciting..hahaha! Macam paham lah aku ni.

Irwan! X)

2010-06-03T17:17:00.006+08:00

Lepak-ed with Siti,Idah and Irwan yesterday. Yes,aku dah terpaut with Irwan. Hehhs. Especially when he's rough with me. I like somehow? Weird lah kan. I actually bit him so hard on the hand. hahaha! "Kau tu pompan,behave lah macam pompan."

hahaha! Tahu pun aku pompan,abeh kau ganas sangat kat aku buat pe. Hmm! He totally got me down and nak leave aku on the floor,but aku grabbed his hand and bit it sampai merah-merah. And Ernie,he scratched my nails. lols! Baru buat sey dah terkopek. hahaha!

At Irwan's void deck.

(Pantat nyonya tu tak leh angz siuul! hahaha! x) kidding.)

(Sorry didnt take Irwan's pic. He's hot,u know! hahah! Kay stop it,yana! lols! X))

But its fun,he's the first guy yang totally didnt care whether im a girl or not. And i've not felt that way since my secondary school days. He totally make me wanna go back to who i used to be. But u know,my sis and Siti was like stop it,u guys!

Padehal,we were just playing around. hahaha! He looks so innocent,he smells like Nury. When he got to know about Nury,terus muke dia berubah. His face expression was like,ok yang ni aku tanak kacau.

Oh well,maybe we're not meant to be. Every other guy yang nak kenal me,once got to know about Nury,will terus distant themselves from me. Its like,sighs! Please eh,he's not even my guy anymore! Im single and ready to mingle now..and besides,dia pun tak heran dengan aku. Kalau aku tak text dia,he wont. So lebih baik aku lepaskan diri aku lah kan.

Betol tak? Because i know he wont ever choose me,so why the hell would u want to lead me on even more? Huh? Im done trying,kay Nury. If u still cant make up ur mind,im leaving. Im halfway gone anyway,and its not cause of Irwan or Soffian or whoever,but because i dah penat tunggu. I tak suke kongsi,nobody likes to share their man. If u masih nak dengan only Acah,i have no problems with it,but if u still wish to be with Nurul and Acah,i just can say one thing,u gotta stop! U're getting urself tangled and its time to stop.

And if u dont want to do it,i will. Because right now,i dont even care whether u're in my life or not. Im really disappointed in u. I know u hate it when i write stuff about u in my blog,but thats what u get,when u let ur heart win. To be honest,i hate u Nury. I hate myself for loving u. For believing that in time,he'll be mine again,but u did nothing. Simply nothing. Like i said,im nothing to u. U aint even gonna do anything about it.

To be honest,u dont wish to meet me kan. Its only because i yang selalu nak jumpe u. U merely took pity on me,and gave in. Sighs! I just dont know what to say anymore. If u want me to stay,u have to choose. But i know u'll want me to leave,so dont bother choosing. Im nothing to u anyway. It doesnt affect u in any way lah kan. No matter if i nangis ke ape ke. And u're right,i do deserve better. I dont deserve this bull slammed at my face. Im being punished for your sins. And i find that to be unfair. I do deserve someone who loves me and only me. Like i said,i can tolerate it if my boyfie slaps me or push me down a flight of stairs,i wouldnt cry.

But i wont tolerate it if there is an another woman. I cant tolerate that. Now that im thinking back,i dont know why the hell i stayed. U dont even appreciate me. U merely took me for granted. I dont need someone like u. Allah dah buka mata i. If u cant choose now,it just means u wont be able to choose ever. If u say u're not ready,then sampai biler will u be ready? Its time u think to urself. Why the hell did u even stead with Acah in the first place? And then me,when u're still with her? And then think,why u stead with Nurul.

I just dont understand. U felt lonely,u have no one to call ur own,if u felt that way,asal tak nak confide in Acah? Why must u cheat? Till the day that u choose,i wont text u. I wont be in contact with u,eventhough u should know,deep in my heart,there's always a place for u. And i'll always love u forever. But till the day that u choose,i cant be with u. I cant do this anymore. Im just not strong enough. :(

Im sorry,goodbye.

Our Pink Affair

2010-06-03T17:04:00.003+08:00

Went out with Rose and Ernie..and halfway Hadi on Saturday. Finally i've watched Shrek:The Final Chapter. With Hadi and Ernie. Honestly,i do feel bad about Ernie treating me. Each time we meet. What to do when im always pokai lah kan. Terperanjat u know,the price ticket would be so damn ex. Filthy bloodsuckers,kept wanting to suck our pockets dry. All the more i felt bad when she had like to cough out 30 plus gitu just for the tickets. Belum include,the manicure..the threading.

Gosh! I do feel bad tau. Im not like those people who loves to take advantage of free stuff. Im the type that feels bad if someone treat me each time. Its like,i dont know my conscience kept bugging me. One day,i'll treat u,when im rich someday. Hahaha! When that day comes,u everyday can go wash and blow lah,perm lah,curl lah..hahaha!

And im only quiet that day because,i have no idea what u all were talking about. I just sat there with about a thousand question marks floating above my head. How could i ever talk about a topic which i dont even know? I was really clueless and i dont know,i just felt like a complete idiot. In the end,i told myself..okay its time for us to shut our mouth now and eat.

It sucked when i realise i completely know nothing about their lifes no more. Its like i dont know,they may look the same but somehow they just aint the same. I dont know. Me and my stupid psychological analysis. I just dont know why,im the kind who listens to my intuition. X)

Im 18!

2010-05-27T21:14:00.001+08:00

Had a wonderful 18th birthday. Although i couldnt actually spend it with the ones i love but its still wonderful. Im not really suppose to tell anyone or even blog about me meeting him. But well,i wont name him. Besides,him could be anyone. Hehhs. Its our little secret lah kan.

Anyway,he actually kinda complimented me. "U pakai lawa2,nak gi maner?" hahaha! I'll take that as a compliment,thank you very much. blueks! Masuk bakul,lepas tu angkat sendiri nampak. hahaha! I love his crazy highlights! Strangely i love it. hahaha! Made me wanna do a rainbow kind of highlights too. Nyahaha! My cutec cracked today,pfft! Baru buat..wasted! Oh wells,have to paint a new coat before meeting Ernie soon.

X) Please dont be like Yan and cancel it last minute,seriously..i hate that. I really do. Eventhough i've never really say it. My sis and her friends would join us. Im always the type that wants to be part of everything. And i do mean everything. Especially when she's my only sister,all the more i've to be protective of her. Im more like a brother than a sister to her.

I wont tolerate any disrespect. I know everyone might be like,hah! Macam paham sak pompan ni. But kan u dont know what this woman is capable of. Dont ever underestimate me. Warning! Im loud when im with my sister. Like,i dont know..with her,im like a hyena. I laugh loud and talk nonsense everytime.

With her,there seems to be no worries and i just talk whatever crap that comes to mind. So yeah,just so u know,im never the same with my sister. And only her. I dont know why. I guess cause she's the only one who actually bothers to layan my nonsense. nyahaha!

Oh oh..my sis bought me pizza! yummy yummy! Pfft..have to do sit ups double the set then. Dont want! Gahhhs! Cinta nye pasal lah kan. hahaha! But well,its sweet of her. And she also made a heart made of straws for me. Awww..! Eventhough i call her by name but i do love her. If not,why do i bother lah kan? What i do regret is that,i could never be a good role model to her,i could never really be a good sister to her,eventhough i did try my best.

I tried to teach her the lessons that i've learn. I tried to protect her from harm and not let her fall. I tried to be the guy in the family and protect my family's honour. Do u really think that its easy for me? I've got lots on my mind okay! Everyone got problems so just screw it lah kan.

Haizzz..i miss him! Just so u know,i love him a lot! Eventhough i got to spend like 8 hours or so with him yesterday but well,u know me,it just isnt seem enough. What an ungrateful bitch kan i! Haizz..but well,its only the beginning. If he starts to see me often,i'll totally make up excuses to not meet him. Cause prolly no more clothes to wear.

Hahaha! I cant simply wear the same thing over and over again lah kan? What the hell sey if like that? And i know if i meet him often,i wouldnt be clingy like this. Sure in the beginning i might,but after a while,i would give him adequate space. Im not unreasonable. If u give me what i want,i'll give u what u want. Thats just me.

Like if u're nice to me,i'll be nice to u. If u're mean,i will be a whole lot meaner to u. Thats just how im programmed to function. If u give me crap,expect the double load of crap,slammed at ur face. But honestly,even if he unknowingly made me pissed,i'd just close my eyes and rewind,think about the happy moments we had. And i'll be fine.

The thing about me is,its easy for one to manipulate my feelings. I get angry easily,i could cry pretty much easily. I get scared instantly. I could be crying in a minute,laughing at the other. Its easy to change how im feeling,just by doing something. Im easy to be consoled. Im the type that forgives but i could never forget.

Especially when i love someone that deeply,like how i love him,all the more i cant forget the moments we had. Like when he was annoyed at me for tracing his sides despite him saying not to do that,i got scared. I really felt like crying back then. There's loads of thoughts that could get me petrified. But the thought of losing him has always got me terrified. I was afraid back then,and im still am.

It will hurt if i ever lose him to someone else. But its a whole lot better than losing him to death or sickness. He smokes like 3 to 4 sticks,and thats just in front of me,belum count the times he smokes behind me. QUIT SMOKING LAH U! haizzz..but well,he doesnt like to be controlled. All the more,i dont know how im gonna persuade him to quit.

I dont wish to have nightmares of his death. I really dont want to ever see him motionless,somehow i got used to his snoring. hahaha! Somehow i got used to resting my head on his chest and hear his heartbeat while pretending that its calling out my name. I would always hate it when i realise he has the upperhand on me. I really would kill myself if he were to leave this world. I dont even care about the consequences. Cause its better to be dead than be a living corpse.

For once,i really couldnt be without a person. For once,i need to hear his voice always. For once,i had to rewind and hear his laughter from my memories to go to sleep. For once,it really feels that he's my first love. If this were to happen in the past,sorry lahs,i would dah lamer ciao. But somehow,i didnt.

I dont know why,im beginning to rewind back to when Rose asked me whether i wish to get to know him a not. hahaha! And then,i got the first text from him. From texting,then we chat at msn. We kinda clicked instantly eventhough we've never met before. Weird,i know! hahaha! I still remember he would always insist me on changing pictures. hahaha! I just hate taking pictures,from a straight angle. My face would look like a round baloon,so fugly siuul!

I honestly was insecure and afraid i would lose him because of my bloody weight problem. hahaha! I was way fatter than i am now. But even so,i still have that bloody insecurity. Just so u know. But i kinda think,i da naik,eventhough i actually lost weight. Idk why? hahahaha! Anyway,somehow he actually asked me to be his girl,and this was only because i kinda desak him. Nyahaha! When i think back,why the hell did he say that he loves me anyway?

When i heard his voice for the first time,i love it. I simply love the way he laughs. hahaha! U know,he would used to read my blog while he's on the phone with me. hmm..but well that just lasted for like 5 days or so. Sedih kan. It was partly my fault. But before that,we met once. When i met him,it was like awkward..! Especially when he did that alien sign with me. lols!

I love his hair back then. hahaha! Just like singa terlepas. hahaha! I love his eyes. X) The way he rolled his tongue. I remember when i actually held on to his hand,and he looked at me with a face like an angel. hahs! X) He was pretty much innocent back then. All the talk about he had weed,i didnt even believe it. To me,he was just a baby. My baby. An innocent child. hahaha! Well that was what i thought back then.

I kinda think he sings okay. Nyahaha! He would sing those jiwangs and i would be so terase. seriously. Or i would be jealous,i dont know why. Its like,who is he thinking about when he's singing that? hmmm..it was a great day eventhough,after all that,my feet melecet.

It was pretty hot,he got bitten by mosquitos..i too got bit. I was hungry. hahaha! And exhausted. Because back then,we would always have late night calls,from about 10pm to 4plus in the morning. Mostly because i wanted it,and im sorry. I just love listening to him. There were times,i would giggle to myself,or just be quiet,just so that i could listen to his voice. hmmm..

It was like the honeymoon period. The naive period,the period where i dont really quite care if he leaves. But honestly,after he's no longer in my life,i didnt couldnt be accustomed to his absence. I missed hearing his voice. I miss him. But i couldnt do anything about it. I think i actually begged him to come back,but well no..hmmm.

He's the first that i would even want to get back after knowing all this. I dont know why. I would usually just leave but somehow i really cant. If i could,i would. Just to make him feel better. But i cant. If i did,i'll be killing myself slowly. Lets just say im selfish. I want him all to myself. Sighs!

Like Robert said,i was in rebound. I took the one i love for granted. To be honest,i didnt meant it when i said i wanted a break up. I only said that because i wanted to get to know more about her. Didnt thought that he would be serious about it. I got my heart broken yet again. Simply built more barriers than before and cursed myself for being who i am. Sighs!

Then,he started to distance himself. We chatted less. We rarely text. Then,he was gone. Till about January. Somehow,we started to reconnect. Heard his voice after almost a year,and that made me happy. Ecstatic,yes! lols! Then we met yet again. I was a bit kekok. And then somehow,we just reconnected. One thing led to another.

But at that point of time,im sorry i really did felt like a whore. I really hated that part right there. Eventhough i felt the love,but i just couldnt assure that its true. And he never really gave me an assurance. But then again,its only because i just felt like a kept mistress,i have no status in his life. And thats the thing which i totally hate!

Yesterday,was fantastic! I didnt felt like a whore. I guess cause,Tobi's words just kept replaying in my head,he would always say,"Ann,u should never expect anything from anyone." The thought of holding his hand had never crossed my mind,that day. And so i guess,i wasnt upset when he didnt held my hand.

I pretty much blacked out my whole system. And just felt nothing. Atleast he didnt give me money like most of the time,all the more,i felt a whole lot better. I would accept it if u treat me,but if u give me money,i will be upset when i got home and will think alot about it. Thats just me. lols! Eventhough,we didnt actually talk throughout that cab ride,but i didnt felt anything. I honestly,was about to collapse.

My sugar level was low. My head was beginning to spin. The thing that i wanted to do at that point of time was sleep. Or actually eat. I have no idea how he could actually be so tough. hahaha! Eventhough he too didnt have enough sleep,nor did he eat. Maybe that green tea kept him going. I HATE GREEN TEA! gahhh! I just hate that. Blearrrhhh!

Honestly he was the first to wish me on the actual day. X) Like about 1.50am. hahaha! I miss him. Especially when he tried to be sarcastic with me. hahaha! Or when he's rough with me. Hmmm..im honestly afraid of the day that he would lose his temper on me,and slap the crap out of me. I am nonsensical,irritating,annoying and so much more. Its weird how patient he has been with me. hahaha!

All the more i love him. x) Besides i know he's not a laki dayus. He is a great guy. If u were to ask me,why do i love him? Im sorry i have no answer to that. It just happened without me realising it. Love doesnt really happen for a reason,it just happened..naturally. X)

And if u were to ask me,how much do i love him? I dont have an answer to that either,for no one could fathom the amount of love i have for him,not even me. I just love him,just wanted to do anything for him. I will be happy if he is,i will be sad when he is. Somehow. There were times,all i wanted to do was to protect him. To accept,to sacrifice.

Eventhough im willing to bit my tongue each time i see him,godeh with his phone,but deep inside,i am curious. Eventhough my heart kept telling me,remember Yana,Curiousity kills the cat. Even when i had the chance to check his phone,i just dont want to. I dont wish to know anymore. I dont want to know anyomore. Im done knowing. Strangely,my heart's beginning to love him back. My heart's beginning to help me in being blind.

Mother doesnt say anything,she just says,"Harap2 satu hari nanti,dia tak akan bilang kau,biarkan dia tinggal dalam bayang-bayang dia." Deep inside,i know she cares. To be honest,im afraid of that day too. To be honest,i will just be a living corpse if that day were to happen. He really means a lot to me,till it really sucked.

So well,its a whole lot better not to think lah kan. Or even ask stupid questions that i know he wouldnt be able to answer. I wish to say this. Im open about almost anything. There are 2 topics that i hate talking about. So dont ever try to raise any of these 2 bloody subjects. Firstly,i kinda think all my friends knows this,dont ever talk to me about my dad. Ever. I just hate talking about him. Got it?

Secondly,dont ever ask me why i quit school and whats the bloody problem? I wont tell u because i know u might think its foolish of me to waste my future away for such a stupid excuse. It may be stupid to u but i just couldnt do it. For 3 years,i've struggled with it. For 3 bloody years. I couldnt simply ignore them. I just couldnt deal with the hurt. Its slowly killing me,damn it. I told u im not strong enough.

Its easy to say get a transfer then. Well did that..tak dapat. Then what? I had to quit lahs. Itu pun,i was still thinking about it. I kept struggling with myself. With my feelings. I honestly simply wasnt thinking straight. Wanted to continue it because of my future but then,i just couldnt do it. Finally i raised the white flag,after 3 years of war. And left. It wasnt easy,okay.

Especially when i just lost him. All the more,i dont know why,he's beginning to be a huge part of me. He could make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. Somehow,his laughter is the specific sound that could increase the rate of my heartbeat. hahaha! I know,im like a hopeless romantic kind of person.

Well thats because i would always dream of finding my knight. I dont need a prince. I need a knight. I dont need a living ATM machine but i need someone whom could make me secure. Whom could make me feel like i belonged. A protector,rather. hahaha! With his "cant be bothered" attitude,could he really be the one? He'll do his stuff on his own,and i'm gonna be like wanna be a part of everything,in that area,im like my mum.

If in the household chores area,im like my dad. Aku malas! hahaha! Gosh,i need a maid lah sey. hahaha! If in the financial area,i dont believe in,"whats yours,is mine" shit. Im not a gold digger. I just want his time,and thats all that i want. Because those memories is priceless. In that area,im a lot like my mum. We scrimp and save,only to spend it the next day. Using our own money and not our husband's.

I just find it satisfying to spend ur own money. Somehow. Emotionally wise,its easy for me to find someone i could be dependant on. This,im a whole lot like my dad. We're dependable. Simply like a jellyfish with no bloody backbone. Im weak like my dad. We couldnt handle our own problems,we would always choose to run away from it. Whenever we could. And we're selfish.

The thing about us is that,we could only see people's faults and not us. Like as if we're that perfect eventhough we're not. But atleast im not that egoistic like him. There were times,i really feel like hitting his head with a golf club. He's simply unreasonable. Like as if he's that perfect.

I have no idea,what up with him. There were times,i just dont get it,why the hell does guys have to keep stuff to themselves. Talking doesnt make one a wimp okay! What up with that! Even with Nury,i'll have to use up my brain juice to kinda figure out whether he's hiding something from me or not. And boy,it is tiring siuul! Its hard to read him.

Its like he has several barriers around him. There were times,i kinda feel that he's like a lobster. Tough on the outside but deep inside there's a sensitive,caring,sensible guy that i simply was blown away with. I dont know. There were times,it just kinda seem i could study psychology but there were times,i miscalculated everything. Or so i think. Hmmm..

Life offers u many paths. No matter which path u choose,u should always choose the right one. Never choose a path that would bring shame to your family. Never choose a path that would make u trip and fall. Always make the right choice. If only its easier done than said lah kan. haizzz...:(

Aku takut!

2010-05-27T21:13:00.000+08:00

I watched My Name Is Khan(MNIK),like finally. hahaha! I actually cried alot. Especially when Sam died. I could cry when a person dies,whether its fictious or in reality,no matter if i know that person or not. Tears could just stream down instantly. Thats just how i am,a born actress..hahaha! Eventhough,i dont like remembering lines. I make up my own lines. X)

Anyway,its a must watch! Sameer is cute! I dont really know why,i actually felt the loss,the hurt,the sadness like as if my own son had died when Mandira hugs Sameer tight and cries,begging him to come back to life. That part right there,i actually cried,no matter how many times i watched it. I've always loved Kajol. Since i watched Kuch Kuch Hota Hai in 1996,if im not wrong.

That was the first Bollywood film that i've ever watched. And then,i watched Khabhi Khushi Khabhi Gham,to be honest MNIK is the 3rd film that i've watched her act. hahaha! I didnt watch the rest of her films. Notice that i only watch her because of SRK. Nyahaha! I actually wanted to buy Veer but then,the heroine is fugly. Im sorry! So bought MNIK instead.

I love both Salman and Shah Rukh. Salman is kinda like Yan,he would always make me laugh. While Shah Rukh is like Nury,he makes me laugh,but he too makes me wanna cry. hahaha! U know what,Nury actually asked me,"Yan sape? Ur ex eh?" hahaha! I dont know why,when he said that,the thought of jealousy is there. Somehow. Because i would always talk about Yan to him,heck..even with everyone.

With Mother,my sister. I rarely hide anything from Mother nowadays. I told her about Nury,obviously. She just said her famous line which is,"Berani buat,berani tanggung." Yeah,thats Mother's quote of life. hahaha! I dont have a quote of life which is original. Sedihnye..hahaha! Another quote that she would always say is,"Biler nak berak,baru nak carik jamban." hahaha!

She's super open. I dont grow up in a traditional whatever kind of family. I guess thats why im such an open person. U could talk to me about anything,and i'll entertain u with more of my nonsense. hahaha! And we'll laugh till we cry. But honestly,if u're narrowminded,u would feel that im being rude. Lets just say i have a crude sense of humour.

But i couldnt be myself when im with people i barely knew. Unless u're my sister. Because no matter what i say,i know she aint gonna mind. I know she aint gonna leave my life if ever i say something that would make her upset. I could just be myself and talk nonsense and we'll laugh for hours.

Im a great person to be with if u were to let me be myself. I'd be a whole lot fun when im tired. It depends really,if u were to bring my mood down,i will be cranky. And grumpy. And i will be like an old grandmother and kept grumbling. But if u know how to lighten my spirits a little bit,i'd get high and laugh like a hyena and talk crap.

But honestly,ever since i knew Yan,aku dah macam setgh tiang gitu. hahaha! Its no wonder he kept calling me Siao Char Bo. hahaha! There are guys who are scared of me,while there are guys who are bold enough to laugh with me and be my friend. But honestly,am i really that scary?

Im just loud when im tired. Or if im with a joker. Im born to make people happy. X) But well,my jokes are mainly based on people. hahaha! Like i make fun of people in the most inappropriate way ever and they'll laugh about it. That is why,if u're not open,u'll find it rude.

Thats just another side of me which no one really knows. hahaha! The bloody rude side of me. Eventhough,i clearly meant no harm. Peace! Hahaha! Seriously,im not afraid of anyone. Even when i wanted to tell my rude jokes,i'd tell the jokes in front of them. hahaha! Im not one who loves to say stuff behind people. If they started to cuss me,i'd cuss them back and my teacher would always say,"U could do anything that u want,just dont ever get caught."

Im the quiet girl who simply blends in with everyone else. But well,despite all that,i do have a few secrets of my own. Im not those minahs who would have entah how many boyfies. Im not those ah lians who would always lepak at Macs after school. Im not like those mamats who sneaks around just to smoke.

Im not one who would be proud to show my true colours. Not many knows how my temper works. I rarely lose my temper. I rarely extract my claws. Till u know,people actually dared to take advantage. There were times,sure i wanted be rude. Sure i wish to bite their head off. But when that person is someone from my maternal family,i couldnt do anything about it.

Cause no matter what i do,they'll report it to Mother. And she'll give me a stupid lecture. And knowing her,she would never side with me. I tried to be the good person. I really tried my best to play the roles that life gave me. But i just couldnt. Im not a good person. I lie,i cheat,i steal. Im sinned,i do bad deeds. I prolly have a legion of demons in me. Im not a good person. sighs!

Some might disagree. But its only because u have not seen my bad side. U've not seen how terrifying i could be. U've not seen how satanic i could be. Im not proud to be who i am,which is why,i would always try to keep a low profile about myself. But i dont know why,once i start to type here,one thing just led to another,and whatever thats in my heart,i just cant help but type it here.

Its not that im open about it. But its just cause,i need to get it out. Before it swallow me whole. Before i start hurting others. The guy side about me is that,i dont like talking about my problems till it simply couldnt be solved. Till i feel that i couldnt handle it on my own no more,and so i had to write it here. Sure,i have hundreds of friends but i couldnt share any problems of mine with them.

I guess its cause,they have their own sets of problems. And eventhough i do have lots of friends,i dont really have a bestfriend. Its easy to make a friend but its hard to actually determine who is your bestfriend. Its hard to know who will be there for u till the end,cheering u on. Even when their life is upside down.

I've always wanted a bestfriend in my boyfie. Always have wanted that. But somehow,i just couldnt. They could only be a good friend of mine and thats it. I feel bad most of the time,seriously. Especially when i talked about my problems all the time to Yan but i've never really been there for him.

I honestly do feel bad. I do feel that im not being a good friend. Eventhough he says its okay,dont feel that way but i still just cant help but felt that way. Sighs! Problems sucked lah sey. I couldnt even be there for Nury. Itu lagi,i dont know what to say. He would just keep it all to himself. I really feel bad whenever he tries to do that.

I just felt useless really. Sighs! Whenever u're ready,baby. I'll always be here. X) Unless im dead. But i know,i wont die that fast. Approximately,i might die when im in my 70s or 80s. Unless i reform and be perempuan melayu terakhir. Then maybe,i'll die a whole lot faster. Hmm..because the cycle of life is,the faster ur sins are forgiven by Allah,the faster u'll die. Thats just how it is.

But if the one u know died at such an early age because of accident,or because he got hanged,or because he got killed. That,may not be because they're a good person. There's a 50/50 chance that they might end up in hell. Unless they died for the country,or during labour. Or err..sudden death. Provided that they dont abuse drugs. X)

U know,im afraid of losing my nenek. When i look at Nury,im terrified that i would feel the same loss. I dont wish to lose her. I know i would miss her chatterings. I'll miss her. I dont wish to lose the one i love. I want her to be there,even when i get married,even when i give birth to my first child. Forever and ever. Might seem impossible but i dont even care..!

Atleast let her live for about a decade more. x) Sure,i should understand that those who have left,their sins have all been forgiven. And that we ought to be happy that they're not tortured by stupid problems of this world. May Allah is happy to have them by His side. But im still not ready to lose my neks. Im not ready yet. I dont want!

2010-05-20T20:55:00.000+08:00

Engkaulah burung Nury yang singgah
taman hatiku
Engkaulah sang pelangi
yang menyinari hidupku
Engkaulah laksana bulan
yang ku menunggu

Ku merindu mu
setiap saat,setiap masa
kamulah yang ada di minda
Senyum mu,tawa mu
tetap di ingatan
Gayamu,caramu
tetap ku suka

Namun apalah daya ku?
Ku tak sanggup menanggung
derita yang kau beri
Ku rela berkorban demi cinta suci ini
Haruskah aku menunggu?
Walau resah jiwa ini?
Aku keliru.
Aku tak mengerti
Kenapa kamu tega untuk lukai hati ini

Aku sedih,Nury
Tanpa kekasihku,tiada erti untuk ku hidup lagi
Ada yang kata,dia tidak jujur dengan ku
Ada yang kata,dia hanya menggunakan ku
Ada yang kata,dia tidak mencintai ku.
Aku tak percaya,ini semua dusta
Tapi adakah,mereka benar?

Aku tak mengerti.
Hatiku berkata,mereka benar
Naluriku berkata,mereka benar
Namun ku berkata,itu semua dusta
Tapi haruskah aku percaya?
Haruskah aku membela?

Aku tak mengerti.
Berilah ku satu isyarat
Berilah aku satu kepastian
Adakah itu mustahil bagi mu?
Aku sanggup menerima apapun darimu

Tapi ku tak sanggup
mengkongsi kamu dengan gadis yang lain
Aku tak sanggup
bayangkan kamu dengannya
Aku tak sanggup
derita kerananya

Hatiku membangkang
setiap kali ku kata
tidak apa,aku memahami
tidak apa,aku tetap mencintai
Bagaikan ku menipu diri sendiri

Kerana hakikatnya ialah
aku dilukai
Jiwaku dalam sengsara
seperti kamu membakar dalaman ku

Aku tetap mencintaimu
walau apapun yang telah berlaku
Mereka tidak tahu siapa diri mu
Pedulikan kata kata mereka
yang tidak bernas

Pedulikan mereka
yang tidak tahu kisah sebenar
Mungkin ada yang bertanya
kenapa kamu sanggup menderita
atas nama cinta?
Kenapa kamu rela korbankan jiwa dan raga?
Kenapa kamu masih tetap dengannya.

Ku hanya akan berkata
kerana ku mencintainya
Mencintainya lebih dari apapun
Mungkin ku berdosa kerana berkata
sememangnya ku cintanya lebih dari Tuhan

Ku cintanya lebih dari nyawaku
Dan ku tak berdaya untuk hidup
jika ada sesiapa yang rampasnya dari ku.
Ku harap kalian akan memahami
situasi yang ku ada

Ku harap tiada yang akan memarahinya
kerana bukan salahnya
Jikalau kamu harus menyalah
letak sahaja balak itu kepada ku.

I love him,and thats all that matters! X) (Sorry my malay hancur lah sey! hahaha! 0.o?)

Baby.come back!

2010-05-18T19:46:00.000+08:00

Nury called me and cried on the phone yesterday. It took me by suprise,i didnt expect that at all. I thought he wanted to talk about us,but then boy,i was wrong. My heart didnt have any empathy on him. She just thinks he's trying to do a drama. But i understand how's it feel like losing someone that u know for 20 years.

Eventhough my late grandmother had gone when im just 5 or so but i do still feel sad now and then. Eventhough i couldnt recall any memories of her,i still felt the loss,the hurt. The urge to cry now and then. Apatah lagi Nury? She was his shelter,his everything,his life. But that was taken away from him in just a moment. In just a moment.

All the anger,the hurt seems to fade away for a moment or two when i heard his sobs. All that i wanted to do at that point of time was give him a hug and try to make him happy again. But i didnt know how to. I should have met him yesterday. But i just didnt know how to cheer him up. Cause i cant bring his Nyai back. I cant bring her back to life. There's nothing that i can do but watch him cry. And its tearing me apart. Im so useless. I cant even make the one i love happy. I just couldnt.

I wasnt there when he just lost her. I wasnt there when he needed someone the most. I wasnt there to give him a hand and walk along with him. And that is a regret that i will have forever. I just dont know how to make it up to him. I shouldnt have left his side last year. I shouldnt have. I dont wish to hear anything from u,heart.

I forgive him for hurting me. I forgive every single mistakes that he has made to me. And i wont love him less. No matter what u say,heart. I've always listen to u,when quitting school. When i should be strong,u've always been my guideline. U've always been my strength. But im just gonna close my eyes and stop thinking. Im gonna stop listening to u,heart.

I love him. U may think that its dumb of me,heart. But i know that its not dumbness. Its love,strength,faith,hope. I need him by my side even if he doesnt need me ever. No one could fathom the amount of love i have for him,not even me. He's my life,my everything,the air that i breathe. The warmth that i would always crave for. My happiness lies in his. All that i yearn for is to see his smile,his laugh. Wherever he is,no matter how he is,i would always pray that he's happy. Simply happy and thats enough for me.

I dont expect him to love me. I expect him to live his life to the fullest. And be happy! And thats all that matters to me. I will cry and possibly kill myself once he's gone. I've never love anyone this much before. Its weird in a way. Usually i will just leave but somehow something about him made me wanna stay.

I love being in his arms. I love the way he's being rough with me. Or the way he put his arm around me. I love the way he's kissing me. I just couldnt get away from him no matter how hurtful it is to stay. Its just so frustrating at times. He rather be with those two than me.

He refuses to patch up with me,why? Because he doesnt want to be more sinful. Yeah,so why dont u just tell them the truth and see which one actually stayed? Im guessing none. They're not like me. Even when i know whats going on,im still here. Although it hurts. U wanna know why? Because i love u. I miss u so so much. Till its killing me softly. The love that i have is burning me,Nury. When it couldnt be with u. Its killing me slowly.

Eversince i could remember,i've loved u. I've always have. But it isnt ur fault. Just because i dreamt of marrying u,that aint mean u have to be with me. And perhaps in a few years,i'd prolly look back and laugh at the fact that i loved a certain Nury who couldnt be mine. Because he wasnt mine in the first place. And my love story will be left incomplete. :(

Do me a favour will u? Complete your love story,will u? For my sake. Dont be a screw up asshole like u thought u are,because i know u're not. U're just confused. Its time u decide,who loves u the most. Its time u stand on ur two feet and decide. Because in the near future,u and me arent the only one who is hurting. Or maybe its just me who is hurting. hahs.

Sighs! I dont know whether i should leave at this point of time. Im so worried about u. I cant do this alone,heart. He needs someone right now. Give me ur strength,will u? Please just dont spread the negativity,will u? U could cuss me or diss me,heart but please dont leave me alone. U know i need u. U've always guide me,i've always listened to u,but this time..give me faith to hold on.

Heart,u've always been my brain..my mind. U showed me the things that i would never notice. My heart never lies. It never assumes. But right now,i want u to shut urself down. Dont think no more,heart. I wanna be an imbecile who cant actually differentiate black from white. Literally. Okay,i never meant it about being the imbecile. lols! Anyway,u've always been a whole lot cleverer than me.

It sounds crazy but without my heart,i'd prolly not ever pass any subjects. Weird,i know! hahaha! I am who i am,all because of my heart. U were right in wanting me to stay away from Nury. U were right when u wanted Yan instead. U were right in every way and i was wrong for shutting u up. I'd admit that.

But i wont leave. I wont leave his side ever. I did once and i regretted it. I wasnt there for him like for a few months jek and this had to happen. sighs! I know that i must pass this test that u gave me,God. And i promise i will pass it with flying colours. Once i promise,u know that i could back it up unless im dead.

I take back my words when i said U could throw in anything,i could handle it. I totally didnt expect that Nurul is his other girl,heart. I really didnt expect that. Although u'd warned me countless times but i didnt even believe u. I didnt even look where the hell i was diving in. I got burned but still i wont leave.

U could say that im dumb in any way but im still not leaving. I now understand Syai's position. I accept his flaws,and if he cant understand my acceptance then he's just doubting my love for him. Im sorry that i even tried to make him cry. I didnt mean it. Im now on this battlefield alone. My heart and everything else isnt on my side. Do u know how it feels like to go against ur own heart?

It hurts. But I've always loved u right from the start. Right now,i dont even wish to care whether u love me or not. All that matters to me is that u're fine. That u're okay. And that u're happy. Thats all that i need from u. Just show me that u're fine and i'll gladly leave if u ever ask me to.

But i know u very well. U would never ask me to leave. Eventhough u will feel guilty but u wont ever ask me to leave. hahs! One day,baby. U'll be mine again. One day,baby. U'll know who loves u the most in this world. One day,baby. U'll realise that u're incomplete without me like i am without u. One day,baby. All that it takes is just one day,one moment with u. Thats all it takes.

Nightmares..& i love him!

2010-05-18T19:43:00.000+08:00

I dreamt a scary dream yesterday. A bloody gory nightmare. It started with this hazy foresty background. And i was running,i dont know running from what. Then suddenly a group of men was throwing me around like a basketball. They formed a circle around me. The circle that was once big,began to grow smaller. I was a helpless girl. I tried to fight them but it was just too much. One of them tore my top. Another one ripped my skirt. 2 was holding me back and they were doing it to me. I screamed at the top of my lungs but no one heard my call. No one bothered to save me.

They touched me. They violated me. I was left with no honour. I was ashamed. And then one of them went in with so much force till i blacked out. I lay there motionless,hearing the loud laughters of those sickening men. How i wish i was strong enough to beat the crap out of them. My mind with thoughts like,"kill them,Yana! Kill them!"

My body was raised automatically and i looked at them with my satanic eyes. My eyes were bloody red. I smirked to see their horrified faces. My face was pale. It was like i'd just bleached my skin. I let out a shriek which caused them to run helter skelter. I looked like a banshee,moved like a banshee. Climbed a tree to a tree. My movement was a whole lot faster.

I stopped one in his track. I glared at him as he watched the others make the escape. He went down to his knees and beg for forgiveness. But i didnt let him off. He was the one who started it. I let out a wail,and hundreds of crows came swooping down,biting on his flesh. Slowly killing him. I let out an evil laugh,my voice was like remixed. lols! It was like u know those low huge voice kind of thing. Yeah..X)

I became my worst nightmare. All the words about people saying about my eyes is turning true. Im becoming a little demon. A demon who only knows how to kill. I squat down beside him and tore out his intestines and starts chomping on it. The oozing blood just makes me wanna puke but the me in that dream seems to be enjoying it. It kept looking at me with its huge eyes. She put her head to his chest and ripped his chest apart. Admiring the heart that is in her hand now. She just felt so sick. She began licking the heart that was still pumping slowly. She mouthed,"Nury..." as she kissed the heart one last time before squeezing it with her bare hand. Causing him to yelp one last time.

It sounds so familiar. He looks so familiar. I kissed his lips one last time and stroked his cheek. "An eye for an eye,baby",i smirked and let out a wailing moan. Happy that i had my revenge yet sad that i killed the one i love.

Was i wrong in this? Was it my fault for always trying not to argue with u? Was it my fault for being so insecure like this? Its true i wanted more,but can u give me more? U once asked me,"do u want to continue like this and wait for a change or stop?"

Well,right now..i still want to play the game. And Nury,i've not yet played my hand. Its not over till the fat lady sings. Till then,im still gonna keep fighting. Even if one day,u're gonna laugh at me for being so bloody stupid,im still gonna keep fighting for our love.

I wont stop even if this heart stops beating.I dont care what people say about me cause the truth is,they know nothing about me. I love him more than anything else,and if u think thats bull,then i guess u're not one who believes in love. For the first time in my whole life,i couldnt fall out of love. For the first time in my whole life,all i wanted to do is make him happy. And give him everything that i could even my chastity.

I've given him my heart,my body,my soul. When he's not here,there were times,i feel his hands touching me. That familiar sensation is hard to forget. All we do linger and there's no moving on but im happy to have him in my life. Im glad that i got to know him.

And i've never regretted letting him into my life. Although it does hurt once in a while but somehow,i just couldnt get away. Even when i could love someone else,i just couldnt get away. Why do i love him,Mother? I dont know why. It just happened,and strangely i liked it. I really do.

Honestly,the reason why i've been holding back,its only because i dont want to go for an abortion. I dont want my child to become a bastard. I dont want to go through a shotgun marriage. I dont want to bring shame to my family. Sighs! Besides my heart warns me not to give it to him just yet. But then,if i dont,he might get tired of me. Cheese. Either way,im at the losing end. Schaisse!

I've talked to my mum about Nury. She says,"Kau yang nak,kau yang tanggung sendiri." This,this..that,that. She says he's a kucing kurap. Sighs! A mere sampan,not an ocean liner. But i dont care,aku nak kahwin dengan dia jugak. My mother was like,"Abeh kau nak makan ape? Anak2 kau nak makan ape? Pasir? Tak de jantan lain ke? Kucing kurap jugak yang kau nak?"

Sighs..kadangkala,menyesal jugak cakap dengan orang tua tu. hahaha! X) She doesnt know him so shhh! lols! And somemore,he's an only child. Which means confirm,my future mother in law wants the best of the best to marry her son. Aisey..her daughter in law must know how to cook so that her beloved son wouldnt be starved. Her daughter in law must know how to organise her household. This this,that that. Aisey..and somemore,i think im the first girl who would want to be bestfriends with her future mother in law. hahaha!

Love her like i love my own mother. Respect her,honour her. X) Besides,dia anak mak u know. All the more,i need to get her to my side. So that if he bullies me,senang sikit can complain to his mother. hahaha! It might sound crazy but i wanna get into a fight with Nury. lols!

Like a spar kind of thing. I've not been in a fight for i dont know how many years and boy,my strokes are getting rusty. lols! And somemore,i've lost alot of weight. Im no longer a mini heavyweight u know! Dulu senang ar. Right now,even when Nury siku aku sikit,trus..ahh! Saket lah..hahaha! Like tahu lembik. Aiseybedah!

The other time,we were playing around,he gripped both my wrist so tight but i could break free most of the time but then,its only because he didnt use most of his energy,when he did..aku macam terkene seret siuul. All the more,im scared to make him angry. hahaha! He's taller than me,like a few inches. He's 1.8 something. Thats how tall he is. I couldnt even reached his lips when he's standing,thats how short i am right now. hahaha!

So tell me,how am i suppose to beat a guy who is like Kane or the Great Khali? lols! If macam Jesse,maybe can lah. hahaha! Why the hell am i talking about wrestling yet again? Sighs! Aku dah lamer tak watch Raw! Like a year plus siuul. Sighs! Like malas to watch it. X) But aku asyik main SVR 2010. Cant help it.

I want to meet Nury lagi ah! Aisey..like Avril once said in her song,"If its meant to be,it'll work out perfectly." X)

I love him. Lots. I've been dreaming with my eyes open about our wedding day. About the way he'll propose to me. How wonderful that dream is! lols! Honestly,i dont mind simplicity but it got to be romantic! That memory had to last a lifetime. I love my memories with him. Each time,im all alone,i'd close my eyes and try to rewind. Every kiss,every touch,its all etched in my mind. Every laugh,every smile. That cute way he rolls his tongue. Is still etched in my mind.

I miss him..soOoOooO sOoOoOo MUCH! lols! Especially the way he smiles. That small eyes of his is so cutish! lols!

HeBrokeMyHeart

2010-05-17T20:11:00.001+08:00

Well,it seems like tough times is gonna hit me pretty soon. God,u're so unfair to me. Remember when i said,once Nury or me have moved on,the doors of my heart will shut forever. I meant that. I really do. Once its over,im not gonna love anyone. Till that person could fight for me. Till that person is super persistent to make me,his.

But that guy wont exist. Because even Nury feels that im not pretty enough. I suppose im not much to look at. No guys like me. Most guys flirt with me,just to have one night stands with me. Im not like that. I know im not sexy nor am i beautiful. Or hot. Yelah..muke kite pecah kan awak. Sighs! There really were times,i feel like hurting myself. Its been such a long time since i've done that. Its been about 5 months.

I've only stopped it because Yan says not to do it. He is precious to me. And i do love him but as a big brother now. An irritating abang..hahaha! Just like Benji. hahaha! Zul is my mature abang,lols! If im having any problems,i'd tell him. And i love ur kids lah sey! So chubby! lols! Just like their dad. lols!

Yeah,this year..is the best year ever! Cause i got to know 3 wonderful guys who is so annoying but very dear to me. Thanks you guys,love u loads! I'd fight the world for u guys. I promise u that. X) And honestly,i do want to celebrate my birthday with u,my dear benji. Aku pun dah lamer tak melalak. hahaha! But well,this year might be the last year i could be with Nury. I just get the feeling,he's gonna be tired of me soon. Especially when aku ni,minah yang tak de looks nor brain ni kan. sighs!

But well,like aku kate..belum confirm. He says maybe,and like i said,anything aku text kau! lols! And yes,i've been having dreams like i cried on that actual day cause Yan organised a suprise party. Cheyy,macam lah dia organise suprise party untuk aku. Cis.

And Ayi!!!! I nak jumpe u! lols! Honestly,i want him to be my personal trainer. nyahaha! Confirm can be 50kg in a month. U see his abs,u'll know why. And he's just 16+ siuul! hahaha! But well,if he does train me kan,im gonna cry. Because i know he's gonna be strict with me.
lols!

Sighs! Abang says Nury is just playing me. My heart tells me that too. But i'd always fake indifference and try to smile. Im not gonna believe in that and believe in my love. But what i just realised when he's with me is something that really broke my heart.

He doesnt hold my hand no more. There was a time,he pulls his hand away from me just to text with both hands,padehal can text with one. And,he'd walk infront leaving me behind. Kalau cross the road,he'd grip on my wrist like as if im a little girl. It'd make me feel better if he were to hold my hand. But he just didnt.

I dont think he ever bothers to read this assholic blog of mine. He is sweet and nice and irritating behind closed doors but in public,it just felt like im a $10 skank. Each time we met,he'd give me $10. All the more i feel like a whore. A more appropriate word,a prostitute.

This doesnt affect him anyway. Im nothing to him lah kan. Im the one who has been such a fool for being so devoted to him. For trying to be his ideal girl. I tried so hard to please him but what did i get in the end,simply a broken heart.

All the more i was sad at the bus. He didnt even gave me the window seat,like he once did. All the more,im like okay..i get it. And when he rather play that stupid game than layan me. Im not dumb. I know the signs when i see one. Or when i tried to kiss him,he tried to push me away. All the more,i felt like crying.

I shouldnt have held my tears in. I should have let it run like paip bocor. U broke my heart and then u gave me hope once again only to break it once more. Im tired,Nury. I really tried to be the one. I really tried to be one stupid understanding girl.

But now,ur charade is about to be unfold. And leaving me with a broken heart. Should i wait for u to push me down. Or should i leave before that ever happen? What now,Nury? I dont understand why. Why must u be so cruel to me? Have i ever been cruel to u? Have i ever broke ur heart countless times like u always did. Have i ever make u cry like u did?

When i say,"Maner tahu when i kurus,u balek kat i"..he didnt even looked me in the eyes,he just said "insya-allah" and tried to convince me that maner tahu dia kene tembak when he go Ns,ke ape ke. And im like yah..just say that u tanak lah,habes cite lah kan.

I've been such a fool trying to convince my heart that u still do love me. All my sacrifices and compromises has gone to waste. U werent worthwhile in the first place. And i've always realised that yet i just couldnt get away. I know what is going on but i still couldnt walk away. Tell me,why are u being so mean to me? Why do u have to go around and broke my heart once again. I do admit that i love u but u have no right to break it.

I've been such a naive fool. Such a bloody fool. And its all because i love u. I rather break any bonds that i have but urs. Eventhough im so used to live without u but im still alive only because u are constantly on my mind. Only because God has given me strength to hold on for another moment with u. Our memories together gives me strength to hold on too. All the times we had,did u forget?

Im sure u did. All the more,it shows i am nothing to u. Simply nothing. I've regarded u like my husband,i respect u and love u very much. Yet u make me this way. Do u wanna know why i still have crushes when im in love with u?

Its because u could never give me the happiness that they gave me. U could never make me laugh like Yan could. U could never make me comfortable like Ayi could. But they're only treating me like a sister,and here i thought i could assume that they're u. And fake it my whole life.

But i just couldnt. Thats the reason why,i've distanced myself from the both of them. I dont want my infatuations to take over me once again. Because i know i love Nury and only him even when he treats me this way. It hurts so badly till i cant help myself but to cry the tears that i held in. But yet i still stayed. Tell me why Nury. Why do u have to go and break my heart?

Each time i asked u to make a choice,u buat dek. All the more i felt,u wanted to be a winner. Dua-dua u nak kan. Heck,maybe there's more than 2. I dont know,cume tuhan jek tahu. I really wish u would love me.
I really wish that u wouldnt play me and that all the words that they say are lies. I really wish that u could prove ur love to me. I really wish that u didnt broke my heart.

But the truth is,u did break my heart. U did toy with my feelings. U did took advantage of the fact that i love u way more than my life. I cant even think straight right now. How am i gonna work? Im deprived of sleep. I kept waking up,having illogical nonsensical nightmares. And its really draining me out. I could barely have a good night sleep,kau maner tahu aku nye susah!

My eyebags and dark circles are worsening. I have crease lines at my forehead like someone who is in their 40s. I have frown lines. Honestly,nowadays..its easier to frown than smile. Sighs! That doesnt affect him in any way. Cause im just nothing to him. Even if he saw me cutting myself once more,it wouldnt affect him in any way. Even if i did end up dead,it doesnt affect him in any way. Because i am nothing to him.

All that matters to him is that Acah lah kan. Enough lah! I've had enough! Sia-sia jek i cintakan u. All that u ever gave me was happiness and heartaches and sadness. Look,u gave me more negativity and the positivity. Dont u get it? Why the hell do u still kiss my lips when u know im just nothing to u? Because im just a $10 skank to u lah kan.

Huh?! Im just a skank to u kan. U dont love me so why dont u just say it straight to my face so that i could move on and probably die. Dying is a whole lot better than being with someone who says that he love u but in truth,it just doesnt seem that way.

Its like ur mouth said the words but ur heart clearly never meant it. I dont want to be the skank in ur life baby. Cant u atleast tell me whats ur take in this? But no,u simply tried to evade this topic. U thought i wouldnt mind. Why? Am i not a human being to u? I guess u're just like everyone else who thought that i have wires and circuits in my system instead of blood and veins. Huh!? I guess u're just like everyone else who thought that im a humanoid. A cyborg with no fucking feelings. Oh,she doesnt mind. She doesnt have any feelings u see. I see,so thats what i am in ur eyes lah kan. :(

Met him. X)

2010-05-13T20:16:00.003+08:00

Met Nury today,yes aku happy! I still got the smell of his deodorant on my clothes. The smoky scent that i used to hate but i tegur pun,only cause i love u pe! Finally got a picture of him and me together. Actually dia tanak,den biler aku dah merajuk and say,"Abeh Nurul boleh,asal i tak boleh?" Trus dia surrender. Hahahaha! But in that picture,my hair is messy. He was still playing that game. lols! But today was fun eventhough he actually tried to sleep again. hahahahaha!

Okay,now i know what to do when he tries to sleep again. hehehehehe! I just love the way he laughs. Somehow,it could just make me laugh too. Or when he tries to imitate me when i kembangkan my nostrils. lols! I terikut Hazim's habit. All because of u lah! hahahaha! Idiot Hazim..lols! He looks cute when he tries to imitate my pout. If u've went out with me a few times,u'll realise that i pout alot. No matter what the hell im feeling inside.

lols! Well its cause,its a childhood problem. A bad habit which i cant seem to kick out of. But,i look cute when i pout kan! Hahahaha! Wow! Like Nury would always say,"Naik bakul,angkat sendiri." hahaha! I miss him. I dont know why,i miss him more when i've just seen him. And the miss would get worse sooner or later. Its so sedih lah kan.

But then its only because nak katekan,i rarely see him. Kay,next time see him..nak pakai baju ape? lols! He says..maybe he will celebrate it with me. And well,if he does make it,im sorry..karaoke cancel tau Benji. Dia tanak ramai-ramai ar. He's pretty shy. Thats what i love most about him. hahaha! And he's beginning to bully me just like Benji. Aiseyman! He's still so ganas with me. And said she looks prettier than me. What the hell! Does she really look prettier than me? I feel so inferior. When he said that,i tried to put the pain away. But then when he gave me those withdrawal symptoms. Trus aku macam nak nangis.

I scoot to the other side of the bus and look out,trying to stay calm. Sighs! Doesnt he realise all the sacrifices i've made for him? Sighs! But then he totally brought me back to laughter in a simple few minutes. He could have just buat dek,and play his stupid game like he always does. But then,he called me back. Trus,i said to myself..okay Yana,u rarely see him..dont make this a regret. U have only a few minutes left till he's gone and will see u maybe,never.

What makes me sad was that..he totally said Insya-allah when i said,"Mane tahu,when i kurus,nanti u balek kat i." And then he talked nonsense about death. What the hell! I wont let u go. Death wouldnt be a barrier for me. No matter where u go,im gonna be there too. I dont care what they say. U are priceless to me. Its so easy for me to love and let go back then. But our love story has turned out to be like this. Too complex to be undone.

I couldnt let u go,no matter how hard i've tried. I did try Nury. I really did my best. But i couldnt. I really couldnt. Cause in order to forget u,i had to think about u. Its been 3 times that i've deleted your number but now i aint gonna delete it no more. Cause right now it just felt like we belong together. X)

Maybe forever. X)

Let go,Yana!

2010-05-10T19:41:00.002+08:00

Its been always hard for me to let go of my past. I still remember my first boyfie broke me up on the phone. I still remember I lost my close 3 friends because of a boy. I still remember the helplessness I felt. Just felt that u’re alone when there’s so many people around u. U just feel that they’re just there to ridicule u even more and not give u a hand. It just felt hurtful to me when my mum couldn’t trust me.

It hurts when she too calls me a boyfie stealer. It really hurts when she’s hurling insults at me without knowing the truth. I wasn’t the mastermind for all this. They just don’t understand what the hell im going through when im there. Im just not strong enough. It really hurts when a part of u stabs u in the back. It really hurts when they’re all that u know and u’re left alone aimlessly. I have no one to motivate me to be strong. To just hold on back then. I had no one.

All they kept asking was questions. More and more questions till I cant even breathe. Till I cant even think properly. I was a good girl. Eventhough im not a straight A’s student but im like those quiet girls. What I did,simply disappoints everyone around me. But they don’t understand the hurt that I felt. Its like a shard of glass,slicing through my heart each time I see them. I cant help but cry when I think of that one mistake that I did.

The one thing that made me lost everything. The respect,the trust. After all that,everyone just looked at me in another perspective. I didn’t have any strength to do it on my own. I was fighting the war on my own. Its just me. Only me. I had no one to back me up. I had no one. Do u know how that feels?

It was a social problem. It was my fault for being too weak. I thought I could handle it if I kept my mouth shut but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. When I got to know Tobi,I went into depress mode each time he snaps at me. All the more I felt like no one likes me. Im just so wretched till no one wants to be my friend.

The negativity gets to me all the time. Till I inflict hurt on me. When I got to know Ernie,it seems that she’s giving me strength to hold on each time we chat. The more I get to know her,the more I wanna do something for her. To prove my worth. But then one day,we simply kinda drift apart. It just wasn’t the same.

It simply felt that she wasn’t the mrs bear that I thought I knew,and I went into depress mode yet again. Lies after lies,I got tangled in a web of lies. It just felt,why am I doing this? Why do I make an excuse each time? Why do I have to be so weak?
I used to have a GodBrother,Firdaus. I loved him very much,he was my pillar of strength before Ernie.

But one mistake,caused me to lose him. No matter how hard I try to bring him back,he just wouldn’t. Bit by bit,my soul is breaking. And there’s no one I could cry to. There’s simply isn’t anyone to hear my plea. I try my best to forget the past and move on. But I couldn’t when almost everyone is making me remember.

It hurts me so badly till I really wanna take my own life. All the finger pointing and shifting the blame on me is really taking a toll on me. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Please let me go!! Please let me live my life. Please..im begging u! Please don’t bother me no more. Im not proud of my past,don’t u understand?

It doesn’t make me feel better when u want to talk about it on the train. I may not have said this before to you,Soffian. But I really wish I could tell u everything about me. On that day,when u asked me. How I wish I could tell u! But u chose the wrong location. I don’t want everyone to know that im such a loser,that im a drop out. That im such an “indecent” girl. I don’t want the public to know about my life.

Do u understand? I trust u. But never did I thought u would want to talk about my past in the train. In public,Yan! I really don’t like to put out my dirty laundry. Im not like that. Im just not strong enough to go through a period of he said she said. Im really not that strong.

Sighs! How I wish I could let u see the path I once walked in. How I wish u could know how is my family like. How I wish u could see that my family isn’t like yours. We aint that close no matter how. How I wish u could understand. But I guess u couldn’t. Cause no one does. No one understands me,Yan. No one does.

Im always masquerading. That’s just what Geminis are good at. Im always trying to be the one that guys love. Im always trying to be the good understanding girl. I’ve never tried to be me. Because I don’t know how’s it like to be me. I don’t know how im truly like. When I see myself in the mirror,I see someone else. Like that girl in the mirror isn’t me. I don’t know why,there were times its just crazy talk. Sighs.

Anyway,whats done is done. I don’t get it why people just don’t wanna let me move on. I just don’t get it why they have to go around and hurt me even more. I just don’t get it why they’re trying so hard to see me flare my temper at them and maybe end up killing someone. I may be weak in handling my life,but I’ve been doing a great job at handling my temper. So if u think that im gonna let u mess it up,u’re wrong man!

I must be patient and redha. And tabahkan hatiku ini. Because when u refuse to let go,u’re just hurting urself. I have let go of the past eventhough I could never forget about it. I could never forget the hurt,the disappointment,the betrayal,the sadness,the tears that I’ve cried. The helplessness. I was literally drowning but no one knows how to approach me and said it’ll be fine. No one knows how to reassure me that its gonna be alright.

They just don’t know how to motivate me to be strong. All they ever know is put the blame on me and point fingers at me. All they ever know is hear those he said she said rumours. But they never did understood me. All they ever tried is to pull me down each time I tried to stand up on my own two feet. It really hurts to do all that alone,with no one to ever gave me a hand and walk along with me.

No one understands my life. And u’re just gonna be like im such a exaggerator. Such a drama queen,such a blahh..U could say whatever u like because the truth is,u’ve never led my life. U don’t know how’s my family like. And most importantly,u merely know my name,but u don’t know who the hell I am. No one does anyway. X)

Why bother crying over spilt milk huh? Well im done crying. I am grateful to God for giving me a blessing in disguise. Throughout all that,I’ve changed,maybe for the better. And I got to know a lot of people who has been so dear to me. I thank God for giving me such a wonderful second family that I would forever be thankful for.

Thank You for showing me the love that I’ve never had in my life. Thank You for doting on me when im not even ur own. Thank You for looking out for me like im a daughter,or a sister. Thank You..for no words could ever express my gratitude to all of u. Thank You! X)

Btw,its weird lah sey. I have a crush on a guy who is younger and shorter than me. Aiseybedah! Gahhh..the weird thing is. Even when I just got to know him,im so bloody comfortable with him even when I’ve never met him before. We talked from 12plus till 7plus in the morning yesterday! Gahh..at first,sememangnye malas nak layan. Because of some bias thought. But then,somehow his voice starts to become a habit to me. Like I’ve heard him before. And then I actually dreamt of him. Like his face and all eventhough,I’ve never met him before.

And the weird thing is..i got it right. The face that I saw was really his face,in real life. The shoulders,the abs. The hot scene hair he has. I told u,I just got this fetish about hair. Only on the head and nowhere else. Hahaha!

Its weird u know. Aiseybedah! He’s my Justin Bieber. Hahahaha! Oh wells,nothing is official yet. Gosh! I feel a whole lot like a cougar! And im just 17+! Hahahaha! X)
But well u know,im super insecure with him. Especially when he kept talking about other girls. Especially when he kept talking about the things that he had done before with those girls. It really hurts and im like action dengar lah. Padehal,I honestly don’t want to,man. Sighs!

Why is he doing this to me? U bloody 16+ boy..lols! Yeah he’s younger than me by like a year and a few months. Hmm..he’s the first somehow. Selalunye I malas nak layan but somehow Idk. Weird lah sak! Sighs! X)

And I kinda think he like my sister. And she likes him too. So where the hell do I fit in this love story. There were times,my heart kept telling me that he doesn’t love u,Yana. Why are u doing this to urself again? Why are u believing that he isn’t the same? Why are u being such a simple-minded girl again? Why cant u see the truth that has been displayed right in front of your eyes,Yana! Why the hell are u letting urself down yet again? Sighs!

But I really do love him. Somehow. Weird..i know! Sighs! I don’t know whether I should feel sad or happy when he asked me to be his ttm(teman tapi mesra). Its like the dating process. Just that I don’t think I will be happy if I were to agree. Its like Nury and me. He’s my ttm. And im not happy with him.

I really tried hard to be but I couldn’t. Because he never assured me that he loves me. His mouth said the words but his heart never meant it. Im not stupid to figure it out. Im not like her. U could lie to her but u could never lie to me. Im not dumb. I tried to play along,but right now..its simply went over the line.

Because the truth is,u’re just playing me. The truth is,u never did love me. The truth is,the only reason why u’re still with me is because she is busy working and unable to fulfil ur needs. The truth is,im just a play thing to u,and that’s all I ever was.

I don’t want that to happen to me again,Ayi. I really don’t want that to happen to me again. I really don’t want anyone to play me no more. Im sick of it. Am I really that wretched till I don’t even deserved to be loved? Till I don’t even deserved to be appreciated. Am I really that wretched?

Each time someone disappoints me,I said its okay,its alright. And they’ll took advantage of it. They’ll keep doing it. Because they thought I wouldn’t mind. Im just human. A human with feelings and a mind of her own. I do feel sad. Im not a humanoid! Damn it! Im not a cyborg! I am a person. An individual like all of u.

I don’t have circuits or wires inside my system. I have feelings too. Im not a mannequin. Im not something who could erase her memories like a hard disk. I just wish someone could understand me. Is it really that hard? 

Im not that weak..

2010-05-03T17:34:00.001+08:00

Yan once said that life is wonderful,just that i take things for granted. Sighs! Do i really take things for granted? Seriously,somehow i dont think so. I just think that its cause i dont know i tend to think about the stuff that i know is gonna hurt me somehow. The thing about me is that,i love knowing the truth,no matter how ugly it is.

But then when i got to know alot. Things that i wasnt suppose to know,it hurts. It swallow me whole and i just dunno how to overcome it. How to forget about it. There were times,i just wish that i would hit my head hard and lose all the bad memories i had. Lose all the sadness. Even if im living a lie,i dont mind. Sighs! Watched too much tv huh? lols! Well there was a time,there's this drama serial. The lead actress hit her head hard at the curb because of an accident. She couldnt remember anything,except for the memories of her boyfie,how he looks like,his voice and all that.

Honestly,if i were to have amnesia,i just want to remember the good times i had with Yan and Nury. Just that. Give me only that,i'll put on a smile even when im dead. X) lols! Well,i dont think im having amnesia,but short term memory loss. Yeah,my memory aint that good anymore. lols! Like i could forget what i did after 5 minutes. Okay so far not that serious. lols! Choyyyy! hahahaha! But i do remember every little thing that people say. I remember all the faces that i've once seen. Eventhough,i'll be like hmm..orang ni macam aku pernah nampak. hahahaha! But well u have to give me time to think it through what!

Throughout my 18 years,i've met and known thousands of people. How could u expect me to remember all of them huh? Too many memories in my brain till it just felt i need a new hard disk. lols! This PC is gonna break down soon. Nyahahaha! Been using it for 18 years,what do u expect. lols! What the hell! Gosh! I still couldnt sleep. Sedih lah kan. There were times,i could visualise what the people are doing when they reply my text lambat.

And sememangnye what i saw when i text Yan is super true. lols! I actually saw him checking his phone and press on the exit button and say nanti aku reply. But then he forgot. hahahaha! There were times,i dont know i could see Nury sleeping and his cell was buzzing. Weird huh? And i'll be like kayy,he's sleeping and he's not texting other chicks. lols! Or rather i think that its true. lols!

And then there were times when he ignored my texts,i would see him beside a girl. Whether Acah or Nurul or some random girl whom i dont know. And i'll be pissed. Thats for sure. When im pissed,dont reply cause i'll be mean and shut u down. If u think that im upset or pissed off,u either make me happy or dont reply. But by not replying will make me more piss somehow. hahahaha!

Its like i dont know why people just trying so hard to diss me. There were times i do feel like giving them a chokehold and then an STF. Okay,i've not mastered the STF yet. lols! I still cant get a good grip on the leg,somehow. I've actually been practising that on my sister. Nyahaha! But now that she's not here,im out of practice. X)

Yeah,im dangerous. U dunno what im able to do. U cant handle me no matter how big u are. I'll cut u. Thats for sure. Anyway! I've lost 3 kg in 2 weeks..yay! And guess what..i've shrunk! As in aku dah pendek! Sedihnye! Im now 1.63CM! Sedihnye! Dah katek! That is so not fair! Oh wells,i suppose im fated to be short and petite. hahahahaha! Needless to say,yes i've been starving myself. Yes i've not been taking care of myself. And yes,im planning to be sick. Nearly there.

There were times,my body would be warm. But i dont even want to think about it. Especially with the sucky sucky period like this. As in my love life is sucky sucky. Even benji now has a girl and i've been single for like a year plus now. ahahahaha! Sedihnye. Well there's guys who nak kenal2 with me,tibe2. But aku bo layan. Its just something that i dont need right now. I know who i want to be with. And nothing is gonna change my mind. Even if lightning were to strike me or even if either one of us is dead,i'll still want him. I'll still want to be with him. With no questions asked. X)

I just think the way i dress makes sicko guys to be attracted to me. Sighs! Mother would always tease me,"Dah balek keje,anak ayam?" hahahaha! And im like ape anak ayam. Cheese berdebar! And i just love the way i walk. Eventhough i do realise macam pompan gedik giler gitu. But thats just how i walk since i was a kid. Yeah..terkedek2 macam itik. Like one supermodel. hahahaha!

There were times guys at my "used to" school will tease me about the way i walk. They'll say."Nice catwalk!" hahahaha! But i just love the way i walk and im not gonna change it. I actually tried to change it,and i walk like someone who has sand in their butt. Like a penguin. There were times i would imitate this cute guy's walk. He jalan kengkang. hahahaha! But he's so hot! Nyahahaha! He looks like chinese/caucasian/malay. But his name is Praveen. How come name india pulak? lols!

But yeah,he's so hot! Cume pantat flat. Sedihnye. But he has nice abs. I dunno why,i just love guys with broad shoulders. I just love guys who is bigger than me or bulky. As in like those bodybuilder kind of body. Nyahahaha! Now its no wonder i LOVE batista! nyahaha! He's just so hot,no matter how big those muscles are. hmmm..But athletes are always the unfaithful ones. Once bitten,twice shy.

I got myself burned when i pandai2 got myself to be with this Player. Rupenye he ader pompan laen. And i was the 3rd party. Aiseybedah. Honestly,i just think that Nury is like him toos. Sighs! Can u imagine i got 2timed twice last year. Sedihnye. But then somehow aku pun tak tahu kenape,im still with one of them. Sedih lah kan. Sighs!

Each time i remember what u did to me,i sure felt like doing the same thing to u. I sure felt like breaking u. But i cant. there were times,i hear the song Hate that i love u and i cry. I do hate u treating me like this. I do hate myself for loving u that much. There were times it just felt like a curse. There were times i just wish that this spell is broken and that im free. There were times,i just wish that u're the knight that i've been waiting for my whole life. I just wish that u're the one who could reassure me and that everythings gonna be fine.

But each time i wanna talk,u push me away. U say that im ruining everything. I guess u've never thought about how i felt. Im the one who has been compromising. Till when do i have to wait? Till u're engaged? Till u're married? Till u have kids? Till u have grandchildren? Till u're on ur dying bed? Till when. I could wait for a year or two but if u think that im gonna wait for a decade or even more,u're wrong. Because im not that stupid.

I wouldnt want to be with a wishy washy kind of a guy if that were to happen. I wouldnt want an indecisive guy as my man. Sighs! Besides nothing that's mine ever last more than a year. The oldest thing that i have is my cell. hahaha! Itu pun,im gonna buy a new one soon! lols! I wanna buy a model that no one has seen before. I just dont like those common models,i just dont like to have the same thing as others. I just love to be unique in a way. hahaha!

Sighs! Even my lappie is pretty new. Not even a year old,but dah dusty giler. Nyahaha! Even my MP4 player is only a few months old,yang tu is still waiting for its time to die. hahaha! Im sure one day,it'll either pecah atau rosak atau hilang. hahaha! X) Okayy i do sound like i duno how to take care of my stuff and u're right! hahaha! Except for my money,i take EXTRA GOOD care of it. lols! I might lost my keys or my cds before but i've never lost my money before. lols!

Because before its lost,im the one who will use it. hahaha! X) I've lost Taufik's Cds. lols! Honestly,if i were to make it big. I'll drag him with me to the top. Thats for sure! I love u Taufik Batisah! hehehehe! Well i know those top acclaimed american producers would usually like those chinese or philippines singers or even japanese and not malays or indians. But since well i once had a caucasian boyfie..fake one at that. hahaha! I suppose i kinda look like a philippine or a chinese huh?

But my voice is like Britney Spears..kinda like Hilary Duff. Miranda Cosgrove. I dont have a huge range like Beyonce' or Christina Aguilera or Hayley Williams. Heck i cant sing any of Paramore's songs except for "Thats what u get". lols! I tried to sing "decode" but hancur. hahahaha! I cant sing Avril's especially when u tried to hit the high note. lols! Like "When u're gone" "I will be" "Alice". But i love her..dont u? lols! She has beautiful eyes. X)

Yeah i know..angan-angan mat jenin sey. Sighs! I know its hard to soar ur wings here,since its a small platform. But who needs that when u can get famous on Myspace,Youtube? All u gotta do is promote ur music. Even at imeem,facebook. If u are lucky enough,top label owners like Usher or even Justin Timberlake could hook u up with them. But honestly,if that were to happen,i wanna hook up with Tokio Hotel! Thats for sure. Even at a young age,they are so talented. Imagine what they could do when they're 30.

And even when they are so famous at such a young age,they're still so humble. They're still so fun to be with. Honestly i do know it'd be fun to go on tour with them. Just that like Bill says,"Tom and Georg is too vulgar at times." hahahaha! Gustav is always the quiet one. The loner. I kinda see that Tom is the social butterfly. lols! He just loves making friends..always so talkative. Like he got too much nonsense to say each time he opens his mouth.

He just loves to make people laugh by being super nonsensical. But he does has a temper,u have to look out for. Eventhough they're twins,they're complete opposites. Tom is loud while Bill is quiet at times. lols! Tom is more of the daredevil while Bill isnt really. hahaha! Tom just seemed like an ego maniac,he just loves to win and Bill will always try to give in to him.

Like when Bill won the race and he'll make up excuses like his kart is faulty and tryna make Bill guilty. Bill didnt even tried to argue,he just went up to his brother and hugged him. To me,i just felt like Bill is willing to lose anything except the relationship he has with his brother. They're that close. X) And i do envy them.

How i wish i could meet them but well,they've gone back home by now. Or touring somemore maybe. Sighs! Im actually waiting for Bill to change his hairstyle. I just dont like his current hairstyle. hahaha! Same like i didnt like the dreadlocks but then somehow i loved it when i saw the Automatic MV. X) Tom and Bill are animal lovers. I remember Bill says,"I wouldnt want to kill any animals to wear this. This is fake fur btw." lols!

Or when Tom says,"Parents shouldnt take their children to the zoo,its just wrong." Im a huge fan of them since 2008 i think? lols! I may be the oldest fan of TH here. lols! I got to know them on Myspace Music. The same place where i got to know We the Kings. I hated Monsoon. But i loved Durch Den Monsun. I loved Schrei. I loved Spring Nicht. Hilf Mir Fligen. Because their slang is pretty weak,it just sounded weird. Bill sounds a whole lot nicer in German. lols!

So yeah,from there. I've checked out their interviews and they've never tried to be fake. Who they are on the screen is who they are in real life. Just a group of guys who loves to be on stage and having fun and prolly the most nervous band ever. hahaha! Its like so funny,they've performed so many times yet still feel nervous to be on stage,thats just hilarious. But then that just shows that they know how to keep it real. That they're not just rockstars but also human beings that has feelings like u and me. X)

But well i've heard that Bill's english is improving. X) Good good good. Well my german is still pretty weak. hahaha! I just know the basic ones. Sedih lah kan. But well,soon i'll know how to speak german like how i know how to speak chinese. Nyahahah! Mother says it good that u know multiple languages. So that u could impress ur boss one day. lols!

I only know, Ich Liebe Dich. Fick dich..hahaha! That one i learn from Tom! nyahahha! Err..Schaisse..Tom kept saying that..it means Shit,btw. Toilette. Automatisch. Komm und Rette Mich. Okay most words i know,i learnt from their songs or from their interviews. hahaha! X) Blueks! There were times they would say..Danke,and then at time Danshun. It kinda means the same..Thank You.

I know Nein is no. Yes is Yah. hahaha! Scream is Schrei. Sesungguhnye aku masih tgh merangkak in learning this. Its not easy as i thought it'd be. Heck,french is a whole lot harder. Or even spanish,i know Si..and Scusi. hahaha! Okay its pretty weak. nyahaha! I love their song,1000 meere. Their MV is so cool. heehee. Yeah,still talking about TH. I havent seen their new MV. Or even watched TH tv. Sighs! I've missed out alot u know! I've havent even heard the song Strange. Sighs! I havent even watch Arthur Und De Minimoys 2. Its the German Dub. Bill provides the voice of Arthur. If not,i dont even wanna watch it. hahaha!

I really wanna see Bill acting someday like in the big screen. Im sure i'll be the first to buy them. hahaha! Even if it has an obvious storyline,i dont mind watching it again,just to see Bill. X) They say R patts is hot. But thats just cause he plays Edward. When he plays Cedric Diggory,does anyone says he's hot? Huh? Tell me. Im sorry i didnt mean to be bias but im just stating that im still on TayTay's team. lols! Jakey all the way! hahaha! X)

Besides i just think that they should pick Bill. To be Edward. Even if he has a German accent. lols! But then Bill might end up with Kristen and that will cause me nightmares. She's been acting for idk how many years and i just think Dakota is way better of an actress than her. Heck even Miley Cyrus is a better actress than her. I've seen her other films and the thing that got to me is that,how the hell did she passed the auditions anyway? Must be an inside job,thats for sure.

I just think that they should get the girl who plays Zac Efron's daughter in 17 again. She just seems like a Natural. Gosh! This is hard because the only talented actresses are already in their 20s going to 30s. The teen actresses is like yucky yucky. Too kaku. Its like they duno how to make the character like its them. Like its pretty hard for them to lose themselves to get into the character. Its a risky job but if u wanna be an actress,thats what u got to do. Risking losing urselves for ur job.

People do change after a few projects and become like their character somehow,one way or another. Thats just how life is. If u are strong enough,u could fight it. But if u're not,why are u being an actress anyway? And when u try to restrain urself from being one with ur character,u just seem to be stiff. Like u're just saying the words,there's no emotions to it. Like they're just words and that those words doesnt even mean a thing.

I dont waste my time on amateur actresses. Thats why when Camp Rock is on,i switched it off. Wasted my time once,is horrible enough. I really thought Demi would be pretty good. But she's just a teen with a big mouth and her acting is just stiff. Even newbie,Joe Jonas is a whole lot better than her. Its like Shane is really him. hahaha!

Or even High School Musical. Vanessa's acting was Yucks! But then again its cause she's just blown away by Zac. And then i thought HSM2 will be a whole lot better. But Ashley's character got pretty irritating. Zac kept putting on a face that he's forgotten the lines. lols! And Vanessa just made me thinking that her mind is somewhere else. HSM3 was a whole lot better.

I guess its for the cinemas so expectations were pretty high. Lindsay Lohan is a good actress. I just love watching her getting into those characters like The confessions of a drama Queen. Or Freaky friday. Or the parent trap. But she was sucky in Herbie. Its like she doesnt want to talk to that car. So its just stiff. If it was me,i wouldnt want too. hahaha! People will be like,are u crazy? hahaha! X)

Taylor Lautner is a great actor. He was abit amateur in Cheaper by the Dozen 2. But i love the adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl. If only there was a sequel to it. hehhs. And of course,i love New Moon! Twilight was an injustice to him. He only appears for a few scenes jek. And i hate that wig! lols! Well his hair will be shaggy in Eclipse. hehehe! Im sure it'd be ugly. hahaha!. The twilight saga is coming to an end soon. Sedihnye.

I've read the books. And Im still waiting for the Edward's version. Because even after reading it,i still dont understand it that much. Bella is a Gemini isnt it. She just sounds a whole lot like me. Sighs! X) We love to spend time with the one we love but we hate it when they treat us like we're that weak. I just hate being overprotected. It just felt like dont u ever underestimate me okay. lols!

If my love story were a bit like hers,itd be crazy. It kinda is. Just that my Jacob doesnt like me. And my edward has another vampire. And my dad isnt like Charlie. Nor is my mum as stupid like Renee. And erm,i dont have lots of people crushing on me. lols! But wont it be fun,to be in a life and death situation with the one u love. As in,it'll be a test of his love for me. To know a guy who is willing to do anything to keep u safe and warm,is such a great feeling. Isnt it. To know a guy who risks his life and speed just to see u,just makes u think he loves u that much till he is foolish to enough to do that.

I wouldnt let go of a guy like that. Sure it does seems that he's needy. A desperado but im sure he'll make my life super exciting. lols! If only i know that kind of guy. hahaha! Aiseybedah. Well guys whom once were with me,would usually love me and then leave me and then crawl back to me. So lame-kelamaan,i pun terikut. Its like idk they treat me like im one stupid fool who will never figure things out. Well the joke's on u now lah kan! blueks!

I've grown a whole lot smarter and i do know alot about guys. True not all guys are the same but every single guy is a filthy heartbreaker. One way or another,they must have broke a girl's heart. Its just life. Because there's no way a guy could like every girl that liked them. Guys would always want a trophy girl. Someone whom they could flaunt to their friends. Guys loves to brag. They are so sweet infront of u but when u hang out with his friends and him,he becomes this jerk u've never thought he'd be.

Guys just loves to take,its us girls who has to compromise on the things that we thought we should just to salvage whats left of the relationship. Guys will always be too insecure to treat u as an equal infront of his friends. Great guys would often end up with bitches. Well thats because he will make up for her flaws and if he is strong enough,he will transform her into a good girl.

And the same reason goes for good girls would always end up with bastards. But honestly all the guys that i once with were indeed great just that they're super annoying,bacinnye orang. lols! Okay the truth is,dorang pandai bermuke2. All of them. Sighs! But in a way im glad,because God actually thought im a good girl. hahahahaha! X) Im glad im not in the bitch category. hehehehe! And just cause u think that ur man is great,that aint mean u're a bitch honey!

So that means Acah is a good girl lah..hmmm..I wonder. lols! I've never talked to her before. From the day Nury says dont disturb her,my suspicion got aroused. When we're together back then,i actually thought she was just his ex..alangkah sedihnye biler pecah lobang rahsia,rupenye she's still his girl when we're together. But i've found that out after we so called broke up. hmmm...

If i were to find out when we're still together. I think i will pecah his muke using a metal crowbar. Really! We wouldnt be like this,he would still have to wear bandages to cover his scars if i were to find out. Kinda think of it,i should look Naz up and beat the crap out of him. Nyahahaha! Oh wells,he buah kecut,what to do..fag! hahahah! Blueks!

One day,im sure God will punish u. But if i were to see u again,i will most definately tie u up,upside down then hit u like a pinata. Till ur guts spill out. But then again,boy u have no guts. Blueks! Yeah man,i still tak puas hati even if its dah cite lamer. Sedih kan. There were times,i dreamt that i dissect him,took out all his intestines,broke his ribcage,causing him to die because of all the pain. Yeah,i actually tied him down to an operation table and dissect him while he was still awake. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

And then i kasik the dogs eat it..the bones and all. x) I do sound evil huh? Well thats what u get for doing what u did to me,U filthy bus number 3 u! lols! Musibots..blueks! I just think i watched too much Chucky. All because of u lah! lols! U serial killer. lols! There were times i wanna do what he does,Take a metal wire and strangle the person till it slits the throat. Fantastic. hahahha! Okay,abit sick lah kan.

I dont know why,i just think i watched too much psychological thrillers when i was a kid. Those sick serial killer kind. Till there were times,i do feel like rupturing his testes. Seriously,i do feel like making him an eunuch. I just feel so biased towards guys till its consuming me slowly to be the demon that i once see in my nightmare. I still could remember those frightening eyes. That sneer,that evil laugh. With no remorse. Her eyes were glowing green. Glaring at me.

Everyone has their own demon. And mine is about to overthrow me. I try my hardest to subdue it but the more i try to be nice,people will melebih. All the more she wants to come out and kill u. The only thing i ever let her kill is pests. Not more than that. Please dont make me lose my humanity. She's trying so hard to be me and kill. I cant let her succeed. So why the hell do u have to go and piss me? Sighs!

I just dont get it,do u want me to be a nasty little girl and kill u with my words or beat u up or do u want me to be the nice understanding girl that i am and listen to what i have to say. Do u want the hard way or the easy way? The day that i lost myself will be the day that i dont even care whether i lose u as a friend or what. And when that day comes,dont blame me. I've been lenient to u and what have u done? U simply go around and piss me more. Fantastic. I'll be waiting for the day that i break u but for now im just gonna be calm and be patient. lols!

Nightmares go away!

2010-05-02T18:08:00.001+08:00

I keep having nightmares nowadays. Just yesterday,i dreamt about Ernie putting on protective gear just cause my temper got the best of me and i was like the incredible hulk. lols! Weird weird nightmares recently like mother,sis and me was going out in a hurry. And i forgot to pack some stuff. And they actually left me behind. Because in that dream,S'pore was infested with zombies,ghouls and spirits. Weird,i know!

And i was left behind for every day at 7pm,there'll be an autolock to protect people from them. And so i was locked in. The irony was,that day was the last shipment. As in after that day,no more airplanes,no more ships going to Malaysia. And they're gonna send in experts from Tibet,India,Arab and even America to vanquish those demons.

Somehow,they've failed..countless times. One day,Nury came knocking at my doorstep. But i didnt know that they've already bit him,and he was infected by their venom and that he's slowly dying. Being a stupid lover that i am,i let him in. I try to treat his wounds,and cooked for him. His temperature kept rising till the next morning,he was gone. As in dead. I thought he was sleeping. I was hanging out the clothes. Its alright to be out as long as its before 7pm and after 7am.

Suddenly he was behind me. Made me startled. He smiled and bit my neck. The strange thing was,his eyes was no longer black. His lips were dry. I pushed him away,realising whats wrong and stood under the sun. He was scared of the sun. I ran to the nearest hospital,making sure that he doesnt follow me. He doesnt,when i reached there,i searched frantically for a morphine injection,i have no idea why. lols! I gave myself 2 shots,and slid my back against the wall,simply out of breath.

The worse thing that could happen is,im gonna be one of them. When night came,i woke up..to find my heart stopped beating. My eyes were glowing green. My skin was porcelain white. Darn,have i turned into a vampire? lols! Ape kene mengene? hahaha! I have an ability,weird..beginning to be a twilight saga kind of nightmare. lols!

My ability is manipulating things,abit like Jasper's but i could control the elements and emotions toos and influence people to do what i want. Like eventhough i cant produce the elements like earth,water,fire and wind but i can control it. Like i can control how strong the wind is,the temperature of the fire or the water,create sandstorms,whirlpools,tsunamis. lols! And i can manipulate the ghouls to betray each other. So each night,i'll be going to their den,and hid in the dark,but i'll make them kill each other.

As days passed,i realised that their venom is the only thing that is strong enough to kill them. One day,one of the things tried to attack Nury. Somehow i stepped in and let the flame that is on my lighter devour it. Nury looked at me with his beautiful eyes. I smiled and bit him back. Hoping that my venom could reverse him. But he tried to kill me,my emotions got the best of me and i killed him.

I burned him. With tears in my eyes,i mouthed sorry. The rest of the ghouls stared at me,some were crouching,ready to attack. But i glared at them back. Some were even on their knees,begging for mercy. But i killed them all. In the end,i see myself doing an evil laugh,and i changed into something else. A demon queen. With a shadow army.

I woke up in fear to see my horrifying face. U should have seen it,i looked just like a demon. With catlike eyes,such intimidating eyes. Such an evil laugh. Sure gives me chills. If such things does happens,dont leave me! lols!

The other nightmare that i got,i think it was last 3 days was the WORST nightmare,i've ever had,in the most annoying way. Kept having new nightmares everyday. Sighs! Anyway i actually dreamt that Nury and i got married. The dream is pretty long. Its a nightmare because sesungguhnye he is so the cekik darah,everyday come home shake leg jek.

Everday is like the same routine. When he wakes up,he'll shout.."B! Tuala i maner?" "B! SuratKhabar u dah beli?" "B! Nanti breakfast makan ape?" "B! B! B! B!" Pfft..what the hell sey! hahaha! He'll ask the most annoying stuff and i'll be like one dumb dumb listening to his chatterings. There were times,aku pekakkan telinge jek. haha! As i feel that he's a lot like my dad.

I avoided doing the same mistakes that my mum did. I actually press him to get a home of our own. And i actually applied for joint account but secretly i list down,how much he withdraws,how much i withdraw. Seriously,i was like a shrew. lols! Its just i dont want the same thing that has happen to my mum,to happen to me.

Being Nury,he hates being suffocated. Dont ever try to control him,he hates it. So i would always do stuff behind him,like i would always check up on him,without him knowing. Thats not that hard. lols! Each day is such a chore. But through annoying stuff,we became more closer somehow. We would always try to eat breakfast,lunch and dinner together. Wasnt that hard for me. Unlike him.

We would argue over stupid stuff,but when we got home,we make up pretty fast. One day,he got me so pissed till i actually fainted when i was about to scold vulgarities at him. lols! I got admitted to the hospital for 2 days,nice! lols! Weird enough,i got pregnant. And i actually had cravings,throughout the 9 months,he was so sweet to me.

It just made me felt like i should do this often. hahaha! Whenever i call him to ask him to buy stuff cause of the cravings,he'll buy it but then when i say,"Baby dah tanak lah." He wont complain but he'll eat it on his own. hahaha! No wonder naik..nyahaha!

5 months passed,our gynae determined the gender of our babies. Yeah,not one..not two but 3 siuul! Power uh! hahahah! The nightmare began after they're born..anyway,we got 2 daughter,1 son. X) So cute! As the time comes,Nury actually wanted to go NUH,and im like.."U nak i mati kat saner? I tak kesah,i nak SGH jugak!" lols!

The place to give birth pun boleh jadi issue. Aiseybedah. hahaha! I was having bloody contractions,way worse that gastric,wayy wayy worse than menstrual cramps. I saw the news about a woman actually enjoying her labour cause she was actually having orgasms throughout the labour and im like..pfft! Should have asked for a waterbirth..nyahaha!

In the tv,usually the guys would vomit or faint during labour kan. hahaha! Well,he sure was shaky alright. hahaha! He's the one who should ask me,"U ok?"..not the other way around. hahaha! He looked at me then looked at the blood and then said,"I kluar skejap..fuu!" hahaha! Kluar skejap,tak balek-balek. Aiseyman. Cekik ke darahs.

The nurses had to look for him,even announced it over the PA system,just cause our first daughter was about to be born. Her cries filled the room and i know she's healthy by the way she's crying her heart out. lols! After 5 minutes,our first son came..he was rather blue,they had to take out the liquid thing and put him under observation. The third one came after 10 minutes.

She had small eyes. Cute button nose,such small lips. She's the apple of my eye. hehhs! Nury named her Nur Emilia Qistina. Love it! hehhs! In a way,she reminds me alot of me. She has fair skin,looks a lot like me when i was a baby. The first one,he named her..Nur Amisha Camilla. I still hate that name..Amisha. hahaha! X) blueks!

The second one,i named him Md Dani Haikal. X) When i reached home,rumah like one pig sty. lols! I glared at him and he put on an innocent face and say,"peace." Alahai. I letak Qis at the crib. He letak Sha at the crib. And helped me clean up. Guilty lah tu. hahah!
The first week of parenthood was like ZOMG! He buat dek when the kids are crying in the middle of the night. I have to attend to the 3 of them. With dark eye circles forming. I just felt so overwhelmed,now i get it. If i tak kill them pun dah cukup bagus. lols! Kidding!

My maternity leave comes to an end,and i had to go back to work. Had to hire a babysitter that i trust with. My neighbour. hahaha! I work as a secretary for a bitch. Yeah! She treat me like im her lackey. I have to make her coffee,have to find out what her likes and dislikes. And the most hardest thing is that she's a cold hearted woman,no wonder anak dartulsia. haha! I have to make appointments for her,arrange her schedules. Follow her around. Make sure she has the right reports. This,that. Sighs!

But the pay is good,so im just waiting for someone to get promoted and kick her out of the seat,man. She's a nightmare! Just like that Devil wears Prada kind of boss. ZOMG! lols! Everyday is like being in a losing war. Work is a nightmare,home is like a zoo. Ader laki,macam tak de laki gitu. My kids bersepah with no one to actually teach them. I just felt so exhausted.

He would come back home late,lepak with i dont know who and kept wanting it. And i have to give pe. But well,i'd make sure that its protected sex. lols! No way am i gonna have another kid. 3 is enough! More than enough. lols! To come home tired,and then ur kids comes to u and give u a hug is such a nice feeling. Its like the exhaustion is gone and that i feel recharged.

When ur kids call out for u,slowly saying their first word,u just felt proud. Just kept taking pictures of memories and videos. Cause kids just grow up so fast somehow. lols! Eventhough there were times,i felt like kicking him in the ass,but atleast he made me happy. Atleast he gave me a happy family. Well its just a dream anyway. X)

If it were to happen in reality. I'll gladly accept it even if i know i'll have such an annoying hubby. hahaha! He is annoying even now. lols! To tell u about my dreams of having kids with u,simply feels great. I dont know why,u're the first guy i've talked about kids with. lols! Its like idk why,i've already regarded him like my hubby somehow. But well,only he could make my fantasies comes real. X)

And my sister got married with Yan! I just went ZOMG! And fainted on their wedding day. lols! Luckily its a dream..hahaha! X)

I do felt scared.

2010-05-02T18:05:00.001+08:00

Im sure every girl dreams to find a guy who is just like their dad. But im not like one of those girls. I dont want to find a guy who is a whole lot like my dad. I guess everyone knows about this,and i guess thats why they never tried to ask me about him. Even when he isnt there for the meet the parents thing. I just dont like talking about him.

I once said im terrified,petrified,mortified and even afraid when Berd is becoming more like my dad. Im really scared of the day he becomes like him. True enough i do have dreams of being Berd's wife. But i dont want to when every little thing that he does,reminds me of my dad.

Even when he talks in slumber mode,it sounds like my dad. lols! He kuat tidur,like my dad. Loves to smoke,like my dad. Mandi pun malas..sebiji macam my dad. Snores pretty loud. He wears the coloured bands yang macam like those chinese people wear,just like my dad.

This im not so sure,but i kinda have the feeling Berd pandai bermuke2 just like my dad. Like one thing he says this,then he says that. Yeah,sighs! X) I dont know why is Fate doing this to me. Its like its trying to push me to Yan but Yan's pushing me to another. Aku ni bende ke? Main tolak-tolak like as if im some burden.

Aku masih ingat sey Benji kate,"Asal nak tolak balak kat aku?" Sedih sak. Kirekan,aku ni orang yang tak gune,just a burden la ni. Kan kan kan. Sighs! Im thankful that my mum hasnt start her usual whatevers,because i guess she knows im not doing so well. With every other side of my life. And if she too were to pile the problems up,im sure i will go suicidal.

Im that close to jump down a building. My mum says at night i would laugh to myself. At times,shriek. I have no idea. Im really not doing so well. I would appreciate it if everyone just take a step back and let me breathe. And not say stuff that would piss me off. Because i will say mean stuff with u,thats for sure. And then well,goodbye friendship. Sighs! Not what i needed right now,u know!

My mum says if nak cari lelaki,find one who can cook. Hmm,isnt it good? I've never had my boyfie cook for me. Even when aku sakit,dorang buat dek. Seriously! Most of my ex boyfies,confirm tahu masak,but do they care enough to cook porridge for me? Cheese berdebar. lols!

I do envy those who have such a caring boyfie. And if u were to let him go for stupid reasons,u're just plain stupid. Sighs! Girls just dont know what they're missing till they're gone. Im not like that really. lols! If he's truly a gem,i'll keep him till he has plans to marry me,then i dont want. hahaha!

My mum says i got commitment issues and i think she's right. Im really afraid of marriage. Marriage is a huge thing for me. If i wanna get married,i dont want to get a divorce. I dont want the flames of our love to die down because of our hectic schedule. For marriage isnt like courtship. Its a whole lot more than that. Its full of responsibilities which im sure im not able to cope alone.

I believe in u fall in love once,u live once,u die once,u marry once. For its a once in a lifetime kind of thing. Im not like those teens who got married so hastily and then put the blame on God by saying Dah tak de jodoh,ape nak buat. And putting a stupid innocent face. I hate people like that. They treat it like its a game.

I would always lecture my mum on how hasty she was in getting married. And she'll be like u dont know what i feel. Yeah,same like u dont know how i felt when i was helpless back then. But atleast im glad that i didnt get my tummy bloated. Im glad im not a mother yet. Im glad that i didnt have to go to some quack for an abortion. Im glad that i had a boyfie who didnt force it on me. Im glad that i didnt have to go through a shotgun marriage.

And to have u comparing me with those other minahs out there,that is really hurtful. Its like so thats who i am in ur eyes then. Im just a stupid teen that might get myself into drugs and sex and alcohol. Fantastic lah eh. Im a big girl and i know whom i should be friends with. All my friends are pretty much the nicest people i've ever known. I take pride in choosing my friends,and u can say anything about me but i wont hear of it when u say such things about Ernie.

Seriously,i snapped at my mum when she says things about Ernie. Or about Yan. I raised my voice and says they're not like that and i trust them. lols! Yeah,U could say stuff about me but dont u ever dare say stuff about my close friends. I will cut u,no matter who u are.

There are one or two friends of mine who is now an acquaintance,for we didnt keep in touch,oh wells! Anyway,they've entered motherhood. And when i got to know about it,i was shocked. Deep inside,sure i wanna be a mother toos. I love babies,i love kids. But i hate my neighbour's kids. I dont know why,or even those little kids that terrorise my toys when i was a promoter. lols!

I will be freakingly irritated by them,but no matter what my little cousin does,he would put a smile on my face. Especially when i remember i have to feed him. And hold his hand,everyone looked at me like as if im a young mother,padehal thats my cousin siuul! Its just that i care for him like a mother would. I would brush off the dirt at his hands and clothes when he tripped.

Back then,it really felt like i was a part-time mother. And i was treating him like he's my son,eventhough i was just 12..going 13. lols! And now that im going 18,i dont know why i want to set up my own family. Yeah,cari maut..alahai! I know its a Ginormous kind of responsibility. And i do have dreams about Berd and me having a little baby,causing our life to be so chaotic.

Its so funny how he would moan and put the pillow over his head whenever the baby cries. hahaha! I do know,its just fantasies of mine. To have a little tot with him. Sighs! X) Anyway,my mum nak pindah! Actually belum confirm yet,she's eyeing sembawang or marsiling..the woodlands area. Hmm..then can see Yan eh? hahaha! But well,far from Berd..sedih nye!

I kept saying to my mum that i want a cat. And she'll be making up all sorts of excuses,padehal she loves cats toos. Just that after Anis died,i guess she hasnt gotten over it. My mum would always tell stories about Anis. About how beautiful she is. About how she could eat durian. Yah,keje giler. Give cat durian for what? lols! She says Anis jumps down a window cause she was chasing a bird. I hate birds,they're noisy and irritating. bleaah!

Luckily no one near my house keeps a pet bird,if not,i swear i'll shoot it down. Seriously! And then bbq it kasik kucing makan. hahaha! Hopefully we'll move out here. I wanna move to Ghim Moh,so that can see him more. hahaha! Building castles in the air nampak..pfft! But then thats where my "used-to-be" friend's stepdad tinggal. Skali jumpe them how? Trus darah naik..hahaha!

But wouldnt it be wonderful. But then confirm,aku akan slalu jumpe Acah if like that. Haiz..nanti darah naik lagi. Sighs! Itu yang i dont like. Whats so good about her anyway? Huh huh huh! U know what,in front of Berd i have to pretend that im okay with it,im just closing one eye. I've buried the truth wayy deep in my heart so that i wont even think about it. For i want him to fall in love with me more. For that to happen,i have to be like this good understanding girl. lols! I am good and understanding anyway. So it aint that hard. Just dont ever talk about that girl or that other girl.

But ofcourse whatever shit that i feel when im with him,i have to type it down here. Bukannye dia bace pun. Kan kan kan! So selamat. If not,asyik simpan kat dalam,sooner or later,makan diri sendiri. I hate that part,when ur heart is aching so badly and tears just kept streaming down like paip bocor. Sighs!

Even if he reads it,i hope he understands. Im trying my best u know. lols! But if u ever dare to even think about lying to me again,i will sumbat my tumit inside ur lobang hidong. Jangan cabar i. U dont know i nye taring. My mum always says i got dracula teeth. But i love my short fangs.

These fangs are the ones who has kept me alive. My bite is worse than my bark. I once bit someone sampai berdarah,and im like hah! Padan muke! Nabeh Cibai! lols! But then i have to brush my mouth and teeth for idk how many times. Kulit dia banyak garam gitu. hahaha! X)
Masin giler! Bleaagh!

Anyway,my dreams of having a dog had to be terminated. Sedih lah kan,unless i have a huge house then yah. But then even i have a huge house,i find it wrong to keep it outside the house. What if it gets cold? Sighs! Oh wells,im gonna drop by SPCA soon and adopt a kitty or take a kitten home. Soon! lols! I dont care what my mum said anymore. Despite her saying she doesnt want any animals,i know she wants another cat.

Especially when she kept buying cat food for titimok. lols! Its a stray cat at her workplace. I asked her to bring it home but she dont want. I will take care of her what,pfft! Oh wells,when we move,that is if we move,i want to have a kitten. My Atok got Chitong and Kenny at Sembawang Park,so why not,lets go there and search for kittens. lols!

But must be 2. If not my kitty will be lonely. I've not thought of a name for my future kitties. But i want both males. Female,abit hard. What if she fought with my other kitty how? The female kitties that my nenek once had,some of them are pretty feisty. Only the males,abit quiet. lols!

So yeah,i dont know maybe i'll name one,Prince..hahaha! And the other one will be called,Duke. Im sure my kitties will be super active. Panjat saner,panjat sini. My mum says,if u want to have a cat,must put the litter box outside the house. lols! Or in my room. Aiseyman!

I aint gonna let them eat those liver snap whatever whisky,my Busu's cat ate i dont know what,and the kitty litter smells awesome! In a really bad way. U take a whiff of it and u feel like dying. Like literally ur heart stops a beat because the stench is pretty much overbearing.

Roza kept eating like one fat kitty. She has the life man. Eat,then sleep,then eat again. hahaha! I will prepare the same diet that my nenek did for the 2 kitties at her home,tuna and rice,mixed together. Smells atrocious,it made me wanna puke out everything that is in my stomach but they loved it. And then when they were a bit older,like now they're about 2 plus,they only eat biscuits and catweed. They're pretty picky with their food.

My nenek will always say,makan ikan tanak,makan daging tanak,biskut jugak dorang nak makan. hahaha! But well Chitong,is pretty puffed up. Eventhough his thigh is pretty small but his stomach is huge. Kenny is more like a model. He's a hot kitty thats for sure. lols!

Luckily we keep him at home or else,im sure every night he'll bring some stray home and have a one night stand with her cause he's that hot. lols! Who doesnt love green eyes? lols! But well Chitong has blue eyes. lols! Nope,they've not sterilised yet. Its so bloody expensive sey!

They actually eat pandan leaves. My nenek yang kasik them,and stupidly they chew them and then chitong actually vomitted. Who gives pandan leaves to cats? Abuse jek sey.

And u know,its good to take ur cats for a walk. But be careful of huge dogs. And please be responsible to pick up after ur pet,thank you! Some owners are so irresponsible. Like they think someone is gonna pick up after them. Eeew! Or even worse,they get their pet to do it on the grass. How gross! Thats why people there's signs like,please do not walk on the grass. For they know,there'll be loads of faeces. lols!

Bathe ur cats with warm water and anti-flea shampoo atleast once a month. I know cats hate water,thats why u have to train it since young. I know of some cats that loves the water. Its all habits really.

And of course u must go for the health injections like ringworms,tapeworms,what other worms is there? But of course,its uber pricey. Yikes! Im pretty much an animal lover. I treat the kitties that are close to me like they're my children. lols! Abit weird lah kan. U might say that its just a cat but even so,it has feelings too right. It has a mind of its own too right. Its a living thing too isnt it? So why doesnt it deserve to have the same amount of respect that humans should deserve? Is it because we call it..a it? Is that it?

Non animal lovers wont prolly understand what im feeling or other people who are animal lovers. Because they just see them as an animal. And nothing else. Thats just wrong. They have the right to have their head held high too. They have the right to walk on this earth as much as we do. Just because u cant understand them,that aint mean they're dumb animals. They're a whole lot intelligent than u'll ever be. Thats for sure. X)

I do have some issues huh? lols! Whether about child abuse or smoking or even pre-marital sex. I will most definately has something to say. lols! Or even about love,marriage,relationships. pfft! lols! Well,i could not deny that all of us has our own mindset,our own way of thinking. Our own way of solving the problems but we all have one thing in common,and that is,we dont know what we have until its gone. We kept craving for more yet we crash and burn when we got none in the end.

Being humans,we tend to err. But to err is it a reason,or is it an excuse? I do make mistakes and i do try to learn from them. But what im doing now,is a risk. Im diving in with no protection and i dont even wanna think about whether im gonna get my fingers burned in this gamble. Im just taking a chance,making a change.

Im no longer a child. I know that. I could no longer depend on people. I know that. But please do guide me along as maybe an older individual. For im still finding my way. Im still trying to reach there. I might take a few shortcuts here and there but i know thats not what i want. The horoscope page says u could never ask a gemini what she wants for she doesnt even know what she wants. All she kept craving for is more.

And its true. I always want the best of the best. All my boyfies were great,no doubt about that. But one thing is that,i never realised that i was just being too unreasonable. I never realised it till Nury's gone. Even when my other boyfies are gone i failed to see it and kept making the same mistake. But somehow,Nury kinda knocked sense into me. He's the first guy i would ask for a patch up thrice. Not once,not twice but thrice.

And he said no,each time. Because i was just being a kid. I treated it like it was that easy. To me it was. I've never prolly said this to anyone before. I actually wanted to change because,i want Nury back. But i didnt know how to. Firstly he says,no change..no patching up. Why do u want to make the same mistake. Secondly,he says..he got no time. Thirdly he says,he's changed and he doesnt want to do that anymore.

But yet he's still with me somehow. Weird lah kan. Our love story is getting a whole lot weirder everyday. Its like we're stuck together somehow,defying the odds of gravity. lols! And honestly i still remember he says she is a whole lot prettier than me. Sighs! Mangkuk tingkat. And he has never complimented me before. Not when i wear contacts or i dress up or what. Sedih lah kan.

Sighs! He wont read this anyway..pfft! hahaha! Well i hope not,cause i dont want insincere compliments. If u dont mean it,i dont want it. Sighs! But then well,guys are often like that. The only guy who would ever notice what i wear is Yan. Yeah,almost every time we met,he would compliment on what i wear and all that. And he says i look a whole lot prettier when i wear contacts. And that i dont have to worry about not finding a guy because im actually pretty. Aww..i've never met a sweet guy like him before seriously! lols! X)

But then when i got home,i just went why pretty and not beautiful? pfft! lols! Only one person has called me beautiful before. hmmm..sedih lah kan. lols! Oh wells! Besides honestly i just think Syai's a whole lot prettier than Acah. Im not being bias just cause she is Nury's whatever. blueks! But well im just saying,and i think Eileen is way prettier than her. Even Ernie. Even Megan Fox. Even Lady Gaga. Heck,even Amy Winehouse. lols! Itu dah melampau tuu..hahahaha! Oh well,she aint reading this anyway. I dont know her friends and they dont know me anyway.

I wonder how must it be to be the last one to know? It must be so sickening lah kan. Oh wells,get over it..because i did when i got to know about u. Everything is fair in love and war. And babe,i do think im on the way to winning this battle. As long as u get fatter and i get a whole lot thinner..hehhs! I dont wish bad stuff,i just dont want to wish u well. Blueks!

Doubts,please fade away.

2010-05-02T18:02:00.001+08:00

As days passed,im beginning to think that his words are just lies. And im about to raise the white flag..giving up once more. Sighs! Each time,i try to make it seem like its okay,he will take advantage of the situation. Seriously,if she were to know about this,will she be a fool to stay like me? I dont think so. Will she still love u after all this? I dont think so. Will she be able to accept u after she found out? I dont think so. Whats so good about her anyway?

U wanna know why i cant sleep at night?..Well,its because of u. Because im still doubting ur words. Because a part of me still couldnt trust u. My heart hates u. And u sedap2 tidur when im having insomnia everyday. I cant eat nor sleep,and u still have the nerve to do this to me. What the hell sak?! I could never say this to u,because if i did,u'll be a step farther from me. Like now.

Even if i did say it,u wouldnt do anything. U say u'll pick one at ur own time. But u're just saying it. I dont think u even mean it. Im the one who has been sacrificing. Im the one who has been the stupid fool believing that u're gonna come through. Im the one who cast aside every doubt in my head just so that i could be with u.

But what do u do? U merely made smart moves to save ur ass. U did nothing. Would it please u if i were to end up in the hospital? Or even die cause of cardiac arrest? Would a tragedy towards me makes u change ur mind? I really tried my best to think of only the good things. I really tried to forget the truth. And i did all this for us. I didnt even had thoughts to tell her,cause i dont want to lose u. But u took advantage of my weakness each time. U make it seem that u care but do u?

With every second that passes by,u're breaking me my dear. U're breaking every speck of my soul. U're making me to lose my humanity. I guess i must be crazy for thinking that u will change things when u kept on crossing the line. I must be crazy for saying its okay,i understand. I must be such a bloody fool for being like my mum. We're patient towards the ones we love and what do we get in the end? Nothing.

Right now,i dont know what to do. For he's just using me. He's a whole lot like my dad. He thinks i have not got him figured out but each time u ignored me,i know whats going on. U wanna be the winner and get both,and u wouldnt care less if i were to back out. Isnt it?

Because she knows nothing about what u do behind her back. She's that stupid while i know almost everything that u do. There were times,he accidentally slip in stuff that he thought i wouldnt remember,and in my heart,i'll be like tipu lagi orang tua ni,nabeh! lols!

There were times,it feels that he thinks even if we were to be together,i will still be doubting him. Well,i wont. Im being a monster here,its all because u're spending more time with her than me. U meet her like almost everyday,and we only meet each other like once a month. And each time we meet,u have the nerve to sleep. Laen hari tanak tidor lambat,asal tanak tidur when she's around. Fed ups sak.

Asal aku masih kat sini pun aku tak tahu lah! Why dont u just kill me? Sighs! Well im killing myself slowly. Even mother dah takot nak beli panadol pills,and im like bukannye boleh buat mati,ape jek. Mother hid all the penknifes,could only do it with scissors. Mother would always say,kalau nak mati,mati kat luar,jangan mati kat dalam rumah. Well there were times,im starving myself. Slowly im torturing myself for being so stupid. Im deprived of sleep,and my patience is running thin.

Even my sister dah lari pergi my uma neks. Cause she dah malas nak layan my karena. Sighs! My sis dah sombong giler sey nowadays. There were times,i feel like doing a neckbreaker on her. hehhs! Its like macam lah kau banyak pandai. Jangan step besar lah eh minah. Stakat setengah masak nye orang,doinks nye orang,nak megahkan diri. I hate people who thinks like they're the best padehal,its not the truth.

Entah minah maner dia jumpe,nak step dengan aku pulak. Buat tangan ringan jek. Honestly,if i were to slap someone,the impact will be pretty strong. lols! Because my palms are pretty wide. And dah lamer sepak orang. hahaha! So yeah,the more experience u are,the more wonderful the slap is. But i would always aim at the jaw. Rather than the cheek.
lols! Kalau tak senget jaw tu,pun dah nasib lah eh. hahaha!

I nearly slapped him. He was such a pain in the ass. Buat orang fed up. I gave a gentle tap at his cheek and he did the same cume lelaki kan more impact but still gentle. Somehow i got pissed and raised my hand,getting ready to give him a taste of my slap. But then i stopped,and walked away.
Somehow,it just felt damn! i love him that much till i couldnt bear to give him a slap when he pisses me off. Nabeh! pfft!

But my legs are way stronger than my fists. And im just saying. lols! Well eversince i've been a good girl,i kinda forget how to fight. Sighs! Dulu yah,i had no control over my temper. Each time someone piss me off,abes..i chase him even till the boys toilet and bantai him there. hahaha! But now,when i grow older and more mature,i had to control my temper. If not,i couldnt achieve anything.

But there were times,it just felt like it was a mistake. Cause each time i kasik dorang muke,dorang naik lemak. Each time i tell myself to be patient,karma will bite them in their ass,it was a mistake. I should have squeezed their guts out like toothpaste oozing out a tube. I should have shown them who's the boss. I should have shown them that they're messing with the wrong girl.

But i held it in,each time. Each time i remind myself of the countless sins that i've done,i had to held back. There were times i regretted it. As in,i regretted not beating him up. If i did,im sure things wouldnt be like this. I could easily beat him but i had to be good. Its just not what good girls do. I had to pretend that im a defenceless kitten and breathe in. I had to maintain my composure. Each time,i feel like breaking their bones just like how i break a toothpick.

Its so hard for me in the beginning. I've always tried to be good in everyone's presence. But what did i get in the end? They stabbed me in the back. They took advantage of me. They treated that its okay just cause i say its okay. Well there were times,i dont wanna be the good girl no more. Because it just doesnt seems like its worth it.

I tried to be innocent. I really tried to be pure and clean. But what did i get in the end? Betrayal. Lies. Like as if im such a stupid fool. I know how a person lies. I used to lie without batting an eyelid. But now,im slowly trying to be the person i used to be. Im not gonna put my heart on my sleeve no more. It just isnt worth it.

U could only blame urselves if i were to be mean. I tried to be nice but u simply took advantage of my silence,thinking that its my weakness. Well this young lady aint gonna be patient no more. Her temper is about to erupt like a volcano and u can only blame yourself. Idiot! Blueks!

I'll be nice.

2010-05-02T18:01:00.001+08:00

Mother is getting pretty worried with my crazy dieting. Honestly,my mother does loves me just that she doesnt show it. She shows her cares by saying stuff just to piss me off. She loves
saying stuff just to bring me down and i go whatever. But throughout all that,she's okay. Just that u know,she doesnt exactly knows how to be a mother. Besides,i dont really quite care for i have
lots of people who constantly dotes on me somehow. lols! I dont know why. They're so nice to me even when i know them just for a day. Thank You so much for showering me love that i never
dreamt of. Thank You Thank You! X)

Mother would always says im a master manipulator whenever people says such nice things about me. lols! Because im not that nice when im at home. I do have my flaws,no doubt about that,
but that didnt stop people from loving me for who i am,and i thank u for that. But then again,its also because they dont know my bad side. hahaha! I dont know why,when im with the ones i
care the most like Ernie,i would always try to be a defenceless kitten. But then behind her,im like a tigress,kept biting people's head off. lols! I dont know why,its like inside im scared that i wont
be in her good books no more,once she sees how terrible her baby bear could be. And i do mean i could be super horrifically horrible.

Yan's keeping a distance. I dont blame him. A person like me just means trouble. Like my "used-to friend" says im a problem child. Sighs! Dont wanna think about anything right now. People
comes and goes just like cars on the crossroads anyway. If i were to lose Yan as a friend,i dont know what to do. Right now im confused. My heart kept telling me,why are u even thinking about
this? Isnt the answer bloody clear in ur head? U know Yan is a million times better than him. Why are u even hesitating? Why do u still wanna be with him? U know Yan is the one. U could
feel it,dont u? So why are u still trying to go back to him? Why yana..why! Pfft!

I dont know heart. Seriously this time,i have no clue. I have no reason nor excuse. All the shit talk about finding the answers in yourself isnt helping my dilemma. It just feels like im at a dead
end of a maze. And i dont know how to get back. I've forgotten how i've got there in the first place. Its like im pushing aside every reason that i've had in my mind just to be with an uncertainty.
I've erased every doubts that is in my head eventhough i know this isnt right. I dont know why for all that is in my mind is questions. Endless flood of questions with no aswers to it. There's no
fullstops,there's only commas and question marks and exclaimation marks. Sighs!

This problem has been affecting me so badly till i cant sleep. I kept waking up,just hoping i would be back in his arms. I dont know why. It just felt good to be in his arms. And i liked it. I really
do. I love the way he smile. I love his small twinky eyes. I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he's kissing me. I just love it. With no reason why. The feelings i had,isnt in past tense no
more. Eventhough i know i should just walk away. But it aint easy to do it. It aint easy to decide something that im not sure of. Because eventhough it is wrong,it just felt
right. It just felt perfect. It just felt that he's mine like im his. They says when one kisses u on the forehead,it means he wants to make u his. Isnt it? Well,i love it when he kisses me on my
forehead.

Please dont reprimand me or chide me that there's gonna be an "i told u so" moment in the near future. Even my heart tells me that there might be. Sighs! But im just on my way to believing,
that his love for me is true. That he is sincere in being with me. I dont wanna think anymore. Even when im beginning to see Yan's bad side,i aint gonna think about it. The question that i once
asked Tobi,i wanna ask it to him. Why are u so nice to others but not me nowadays!? He's proven to me that he could be mean like Tobi toos. Sedih sak! Pfft!

Dahlah orang tengah fed ups and then he wanted to snap at me,just cause i asked him is it that hard to reply a message. If once or twice is okay,ini always tau! Sape tak hot,u tell me? Orang
lain boleh reply,abeh aku? Susah pulak. Dah sah kes tipu sey. Nak tipu pun,pandai2 tipu ar. Takkan u busy 24hours kan,tak make sense kan. U say u kept forgetting to reply,then that just
got me thinking that im nothing to u. Not a friend,not a sister,not even ex colleagues,just plain nothing. Pfft! Fed ups sey..!

I hate it when people tries to lie like as if they think im so stupid. I hate it,my intuition is pretty sharp. If i feel that u're lying,i wont rest till i find out the truth. Nak katekan,im paranoid about
everything. Dont lie,especially to me. Because i know all the tricks in the book. Been using it since i was a kid. U could lie to some idiotic fool but not me. I wasnt born yesterday. I know the
kind of lies that i should look out for. I always say this,i may be 18 but i know alot. And if u think u could use the caller id lie on me,that is simply bull.

Tak masok akal lah kan. U are free enough to go out with ur friends yet not free to reply me? Abeh aku kirekan bukan kawan kau jugak pe? Bingit sak orang macam gini. U may be going 21
but dont think that this 18year old is dumb,oh she'll never figure out whats going on. Please eh! I've always been patient with u. Always have been. But right now,im about to blow my rage.
This temper is at the peak point now. And u're that close in getting ur butt kicked by me. U know why i've been patient with u? Even when u're late. Even when u annoy me. Even when
u hurt me. Its only because i dont wanna lose u as a friend. But it seems that u treat my patience as my weakness.

Just because i aint doing anything about it,that aint mean its okay. Its not okay,Yan! Im not okay. I dont know whats wrong with u now. Im confused. I thought u A-R-E my friend. But it seems
that now, u W-E-R-E my friend. Notice the past tense,y'all. What up with that? Sighs! One thing after another. Once again,my sleep is ruined. Mother notices my swollen eyes. Yet she says
nothing. No,i didnt cry. I just had a bad night's sleep for i dont know how many nights now. I kept waking up,having nightmares. Dont treat me like this please. Im begging u. Im about to
collapse right now. Especially when i could hardly consume anything. Dont drive me to my grave. Not now. Please..

Sighs! Im at such a pathetic state right now. Yeah,i know people would be like gosh,she's indulging in self pity again. lols! Nah,not this time. Im just saying,im sleepy and tired,drained out so
dont piss me off. Because i swear im gonna bite ur head off and it aint gonna be good. Im gonna suck ur blood dry till u feel like crying. Till u're a shrivelled fag that u are. blueks! U really think
that im a defenceless kitten aint it right,well watch this kitten grow into a tigress. U'll be shocked to see how this kitty could kill u. Blueks! I didnt wanna do this anymore. I really tried to be
good. I really did,why is everybody trying so hard to see my bad side? Why cant everybody just forget about it? But no,they kept pissing me off when im quiet. They kept taking advantage of me,
just cause they know i wont fight back.

And when i did,they ran away. What the hell is this huh? Why are u doing this to me? Do u really think i want to be with this temper. Im trying my best to be patient with everything so why the
hell do u have to piss me off huh? Tell me,whats ur motive huh? Do u really want to see me cutting u with my words? Do u really want to lose this friendship huh? Do u? Im exhausted my dear,
i have my own sets of problems and to have u piling it up is really hurting me. I dont even quite care what people does but u. Every little thing that u do,does matters to me. I dont want it like
this,if i could..i want to go back to those days where we used to laugh about nothing. But now u're just plain boring.

The guy that i thought i once knew isnt him no more. The guy that i loved before whether as a friend or a brother isnt there no more. What is left is a guy who is about similar as Tobi. A guy
who is nice to everyone but me,like as if i've done such a huge blunder towards them. I may forgive but i never forget. Thats just who i am. The things that u do to me,mark my words i will do
it to u toos. One day. But then,karma will bite u in the end. So good begets good and i have to be good. Gosh,being good is so hard. lols! But i have to. Because when u're good,people will
love u. X)

Aint that right? hehhs. Be patient girl,one day they'll realise what they're missing. Patience is key. U still have a long way to go,so just be patient. Dont take in too much about what they say.
Dont think much about how they're treating u. All u have to do is to concentrate ur energy on the positiveness. Yes! Woots! Yeah,blindly hypnotising urself to be optimistic is a good thing.
Im only gonna see white and no black. Yes! Not gonna think about it. Just gonna be happy,and positive! Yay! lols! X)

hidAyaNa's day Out

Its not the end yet.

3 more days

Am I really happy?

Never Again

3 days in Malaysia

Dug a grave

Hello to Goodbye

Missed it!

Missing Him.

Fucking PMS effect.

Weird dream.

Aku sedih!

The end.

What a mess!

Alamak! *Smack Head*

Camp Out

im back.

I mish u bby..!

whatever lahs..

Ooi!

Paranoia

helpless victim role?

Clueless

mendak sioots!

Kesunyian tanpe teman

i miss u,DANI!

unexpected weekend

change.

get a grip,girl!

love!

hello! i have a life,u know!

I LOVE DANI!

30 random things about me. :D

Dear N,

Pergi Mampus.

i did nothing.

no comment!

oh my Gucci!

Not expected.

!! bIngIt u knOw !!

Re-Cap-Ture. (:

shouldnt have.

SoOoOoO.

Spooky!

Today was fun.

Lets Lepak Lahs!

Baby Kush!

Im sorry.

Somehow i still miss you.

Must be a dream.

Love.

Whats going on?

I love you

The resistance.

Daydreaming.

tiring day

rimas! :(

aku is penat

New nightmares everyday

Mendak Sioots!

women..

weird.

Bloody riot!

Grumbles..

~ idiot..

Irwan! X)

Our Pink Affair

Im 18!

Aku takut!

Baby.come back!

Nightmares..& i love him!

HeBrokeMyHeart

Met him. X)

Let go,Yana!

Im not that weak..

Nightmares go away!

I do felt scared.

Doubts,please fade away.

I'll be nice.

Alamak! Smack Head